if coconuts give us coconut milk AND coconut water then why do we only have cow milk. where is the cow water
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I HAVE FINALLY MET MY DREAM MAN
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The 6th day of xmas was the worst day of xmas bc after getting 5 golden rings she thought he moved on to jewelry & did not expect more birds
Apparently people will pay to be subjected to medieval torture devices if you call the place a “gym.”
Boomerangs can be quite dangerous if you’ve got alzheimers.
I was helping my son with his homework and I told him that the language attorneys use with all that legal jargon was called ‘Courtugese’ and now I have another meeting with his teacher.
“Dad, these glasses make everything look much bigger!”
*Snatches glass and hands to my wife
Me: dance like no one’s watching!
Them: but not naked in the freezer aisle with a frozen turkey to ‘do they know it’s Christmas’!
4 AM
BLADDER: Get up. You need to go
STOMACH: And you’re hungry
BRAIN: Imagine if Hammer Time was a real time zone. We’d have to move there
Give your Mom what she really wants today. Accept her Facebook friend request.
One of my stuffed animals just told me I should get back on my meds, I guess someone doesn’t want to be part of tea party club anymore.
Men think us women dream of finding the perfect man when really, all we want is to eat anything without getting fat.
[in ambulance after being shot]
can we [coughs blood] stop at Taco Bell?
“Don’t be stupid! [turns around while driving] of course we can”
[restaurant owners meeting]
“we should start asking customers if they’ve been here before”
why though?
“absolutely no reason at all”
ok deal
Me: *Eating Swedish Fish*
Alexander Skarsgård: OH NO, MY KOI POND!
Keep a pencil behind your ear so you always look busy.
[wearing a ‘World’s Greatest Dad’ t-shirt while talking to the bartender]
“The younger one is about 8 and the older one is older than 8.”
*first day as getaway driver
“I’m gonna make a Starbucks run while you’re in the bank. Who wants what?”
i’m gonna make some couscous with garlic and olive oil. that’s right. couscous. the food so nice they named it twice
age 16: if i dont start saying yes to things im going to be miserable
age 26: if i dont start saying no to things im going to be miserable
if you’re reading my tweets and judging me by my typos I just want you to know, yes, english is my first language
Employee: Sir you’ve been in that changing room for half an hour, what are you doing?
Me: *Crying* WAITING FOR IT TO WORK
Women aren’t hard to read
For example: When she looks you in the eyes, puts her hair in a ponytail, then starts throwing all your shit out
You’re done bro
“conference” comes from the Latin “con” meaning “together with” and “ference” meaning “the worst people on earth”
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are sitting in a doctor’s waiting room, when a man in an obviously worried state enters and cries out, “I fear I’ve become invisible… Can you see me?”
And they respond; “Yes.” “Oui.” “Sí.” “Ja.”
Pre-diction: Baby’s first words will be garbled.
December 1st:
Smoked a cigarDecember 8th:
Finally got the taste out of my mouth
Roommate gets sinus infection: treats it with chai tea and three different medications.
I get the same thing: GIVE ME ALL THE WASABI. CLEAR OUT MY SINUSES WITH CLEANSING FIRE. MAKE THEM AN INHOSPITABLE DESERT TO MAN, BEAST, AND VIRUS ALIKE.
I think my first day working for Microsoft is going really well.
“Do you want to hear a really good Batman impression?”
“Go on then”
“NOT THE KRYPTONITE!”
“That’s Superman”
“Thanks, I’ve been practicing.”