if coconuts give us coconut milk AND coconut water then why do we only have cow milk. where is the cow water
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*gets followed*
Me: thanks for following me! Now I’m going to like 467 of your tweets
[Stonehenge]
*Synth bass line*
*hooded figure pops out*
“Thiiiiis is hooww we Druuuiiid”
*other hooded figures pop out*
“It’s Friday night”
Date: describe yourself to me in three words
Me:
[ Dad having “the talk” with his daughter]
Dad- The best way to protect yourself is to use a condor.
Girl- You mean a condom?
Dad- * Hands her a gauntlet * Nope.
The way I gotta put my hands up after eating a sandwich to prove to my dog I don’t have any left… the trust issues
Welcome to Twitter. It’s like cooking spaghetti: Throw your noodle at the wall to see if something sticks.
Always practice yodeling, suddenly, in a packed elevator.
I’m sorry, but nothing is topping this 😭
Guys, if you forget your girl’s birthday, just look into her eyes and say, “I love you.” Then run, because that is not going to help.
The casinos are closed, so get your gambling fix by ordering groceries online.
“I’d tap that.”
– Morse code operatives flirting.
my daughter has been thrusting her stuffed animals in my face for me to kiss, but I’m being very selective so she learns to have standards
Wild-eyed guy passed me in the grocery store hissing “applesauce” but I can’t tell if he was looking for it or running away
ME: (to my heist crew) let’s ditch our getaway car in this pond
(puts rock on gas pedal, car revs into pond, disappears underwater)
ME: ok now….wait what’s that splashing
(Car emerges from the water on the far shore and just keeps going)
NARRATOR: The all new Chevy Malibu
My girlfriend’s car got stolen today, so if you see a man driving a dark green Honda Civic, PLEASE tell him I left some Skittles in there.
Auditioning for a commercial:
Me: Mmm. So delicious. I don’t believe it’s not butter.
Director: Cut, cut! It’s can’t. The word is can’t. Ok? And action.
Me: Mmm. So delicious. I don’t believe it’s not can’t.
I may be short but I sure as heck can dunk. Donut coffee dunks are my speciality.
I call this next one…
That’s Not How Mom Makes It
I’m really not sure how many times I’ll search for my phone with the flashlight on my phone before I realize I’m an idiot….
Accidentally ran the wash with Ecstasy still in a back pocket. Now my jeans are freaking out, and the zipper won’t stop grinding its teeth.
I’ve named my cat “Before” & my chihuahua “After.”
It works better if I introduce them wearing a lab coat and clipboard, giggling.
So my drug dealer just died. I’m thinking about going to his funeral to, you know, network.
[At party]
Wife: Don’t pretend you’re deaf again, so you don’t have to talk to people
Me [in sign language]: What?
Me: It doesn’t have a tail, so I’m pretty sure it’s a hamster.
Tech support: *sigh*
Fine. Right click on your hamster…
The real reason David beat Goliath is that when David threw a rock, Goliath threw scissors.
Yes, but you should see the other pea
~Black eyed pea probably
Washing instructions: Hand wash only.
Me: We’ll see about that.
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion texts: Please answer baby. Let me make this right.
Me: Wine isn’t on the food pyramid.
My wife: It’s the moat around it.