if coconuts give us coconut milk AND coconut water then why do we only have cow milk. where is the cow water
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The superstition where you hold your breath as you drive past a cemetery sounds like a ploy by Big Cemetery to fill more cemeteries.
“You can definitely fit thru there…just get a running start”
~ whiskey
Welcome to your forties, you’re now wondering why younger people are so dumb
me: [lays trail of petals directly to the bed] she’ll love this
midwife: she won’t
If I reply touché that means I have no clue what you meant
Amazing how fast my addiction to my phone is cured the moment I get a phone call.
[date]
HER: my last boyfriend was such a misogynist
ME: (trying to impress her) I hate massages
Im not saying your cat doesnt care about you…
Im saying that if
Lassie was a cat,
Timmy would still be in that well…
If I ever go missing, put up fliers saying I left a dog in a hot car so people will actually look for me.
look at me when i’m typing to you
I CANT HOLD THEM BACK MUCH LONGER
Surprise your boyfriend with new boyfriend this valentine
God: when they’re stressed their hair will start to fall out
Angel: nice, like the unsightly body hairs they hate?
God: lol no no no, the hair on their head
Angel: [under breath] i miss satan
Confusing my 12 year old..
12: Dad, you want to go swimming in the pool?
Me: Dude, it’s friggin pouring out!
12: So???
Me: I don’t wanna get wet…
12: Ummmmm… WHAT?!
[placing hand on my boss’s casket] who can’t think outside the box now
me, to my wife: calm down and smile more
Stockbroker: *rubbing bridge of nose* that’s not what I meant by ‘take risks’
Waiting for toast to toast takes forever unless you walk away for 10 seconds, then it burns
I was an aspiring ninja until the ankle cracks made it impossible.
[Nightclub]
Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* I NEED HOT WATER FOR MY CUP O’ NOODLES
For a tiny person unable to wipe herself after she poops, my toddler has managed to hit me dead in the eyeball with 4 things today.
(McDonald’s bathroom)
*pulls away from kissing*
You’re better than my mirror at home
water solves a lot of problems.
want to lose weight? drink more water
having a bad day? take a shower
tired of someone’s bullshit? drown them
*valentine’s night*
Me: I got you a new pair of shoes
Her: *crying* I sold my feet to buy you these earrings!
Me: *also begins to cry* I can’t hear you
*stands next to ATM and cheers every time someone wins money*
Adrenaline Junky:
*Almost falls to certain death*
WHAT A RUSH!!Me:
*Almost drops grilled cheese sandwich*
SAMESIES!!
Your call is important to us…unless this is Bob again, calling to say ‘I CAN believe it’s not butter.’ We’re sick of your shit, Bob.
I’m not really thought of as an outdoorsy guy but the truth is I have been outdoors many times and really liked it
[dinosaur heist movie]
*the expert triceratops safecracker spends 40 minutes unsuccessfully trying to put his ears up to the safe*
ME: I’d like to return this
CLERK: Ma’am, we don’t sell… VCRs from the 90s?
ME: I bought it here
CLERK: At Old Navy?
ME: *stamping foot* This used to be a Radio Shack!
CLERK:
ME: Store credit, then?
Getting money from “the Tooth Fairy” is a gateway drug to organ trafficking.