if coconuts give us coconut milk AND coconut water then why do we only have cow milk. where is the cow water
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My wife said we would save money on Halloween candy if we bought it at Aldi so I guess we’re handing out Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.
Interviewer : On your resume, you have the word “thigh” and it’s blank for 2 years. Please explain.
Me: That’s my thigh gap
Engineer: quick open up the coal gate, we need to vent the burner!
Me: *opens toothpaste* how is this supposed to help?
Engineer: The door on the coal burner you stupid fu-
[train explodes]
Alcohol: You know Kung Fu and you’re not afraid to use it
Brain: This makes sense right now
Body: We’re on board
Pavement: Come at me bro
amateur: taco tuesday
pro: taco everyday
Why do people just go caroling at Christmas time, I’d love someone to knock on my door and sing me a Weezer album from beginning to end and then leave
My mom was right. My face did stay this way.
Goose down pillows are great until a feather pokes you in the face. 🤣
Mom, look at my diarrhea.
— My 5yo holding up the diary I bought him at his school’s Scholastic book fair
[Interview]
“Describe yourself in one word.”
Me: Lethargic.
The best thing about parenting babies and toddlers is that you can dress them up as like, a croissant for Halloween, they don’t give a shit.
Wife: I’m leaving
Me: I’m not surprised, spending so much time at home has shown how much we live for superficial joys to disguise how sad we are together
Wife: I’m leaving to go to Walmart
Me: ooh get chocolate
*wakes up*
*frantically searches the bed for the donut I was eating in my dream*
[lying in front of the fire]
11: Do you think she’s asleep or dead?
9: *throws toy, 2 massive dogs pounce on me*
Me: *screams*
9: Asleep
I’m donating my body to science. I’m getting sick of it taking up space in the freezer.
4yo: mommy, can you make me popcorn when you are done sitting?
Me: {gets into a more comfortable position} sureee!
When I dropped your baby, that was traumatic for me too. Maybe think about my feelings for once.
Still kinda pissed off that Octo-mom only has 2 arms
Carpenter Ants: Very industrious
Army Ants: Extra militant
Fire Ants: Drop dope AF mixtapes
*runs into long lost friend*
Him- I started out on the bottom now I’m a district MGR. what do you do?
Me- I disappoint people
“Umm, what are you doing? Can you not? Seriously, get off me!”
– The first horse ever ridden (probably)
Desperation
-Fragrance by Social Media
When you set up a LAN for an 8 yr old kid’s birthday party at and then they ask you to play
Always keep a dog eared book on your nightstand so that people think you know how to read.
Finally! 😈
[in the bedroom]
Husband: Close your eyes. I’m going to do something you’re really going to enjoy.
Me: Okay.
H: *takes the kids and leaves for the day*
I’m only dating bad texters from here on out.
Who knew life could be so quiet and….peaceful.
My neighbor’s 2yo is on my front lawn shouting NO NO NO NO. Not sure what she’s protesting but I’m gonna go join her.
if a staircase can spiral so can i.