Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cops said my blood alcohol level was above the legal limit which is crazy because I don’t even drink blood alcohol.

Starbucks says it will close 150 stores next year.

And that’s just in one mall.

I ONLY EAT FREE RANGE GRASSFED CHEESECAKE!

this is why you always check the reviews before ordering one thousand live crickets

These are my roll models.

I didn’t forget your birthday I just forgot today’s date.

-me, forgetting your birthday

Misinterpreted some rabbit prints in the snow and told my scout troop to look out for babies running at 35mph.

“FINISH HIM,” I scream, as Nana takes the last bite of her gingerbread man.

If you ghost me, I assume one of two things happened

1: you fell in love with me really quickly and overwhelmingly and you couldn’t handle it and knew I would ruin your life forever because of how amazing I am

2: you died

The 4th little pig built his house into a windmill. The wolf huffed and puffed and generated enough power to last the whole winter.

DO NOT show up to my place unannounced, I will literally stare at you from the window until nightfall, I don’t give a shit.

Dogs are too pure for this world 🥺🥺
#goldenretriever #dogs

[slowly crosses McRib off my manifesto]

AA MEETING

Chairman: Please, introduce yourself

Eminem: Hi! My name is..

C: What?

E: My name is..

C: Who?

E: Hi! My name is..

C: Huh?

THERAPIST: you’re always trying to make other people happy. You should focus on doing that for yourself too.

ME:

THERAPIST: ok?

Me: would that make you happy?

[sinking in quicksand]

me: oh no

wife: we’ll be fine if we just remain still and wait for help

me: ok

[mambo no. 5 starts to play]

me: OH NO

Them: how does 9am sound?

Me: sounds like you’re dead to me

why is the debate at night time. let’s get this thing started at 4pm. i don’t need to get riled up so close to bedtime.

Searching twitter for the account of the bee that just stung me so I can pull up some of it’s old questionable tweets

Me: This is the worst day of my life.

Her: Really?

Me: *pulls out a spreadsheet ranking every day of my life so far to prove it*

* on a date snuggling *

Me: Did you enjoy dinner?

Her: Yeah, but now I feel fat.

Me: Get your hands off my belly.

Me: time to be better with my finances

Them: you could stop buying things

Me: not like that

You know those medieval paintings where the artist has never seen an elephant, but they DID read a description of them and they’re certain they got the gist of it? Anyway,

Sorry I was late I was frantically applying to other jobs

I hate hotel bath towels.
So thick and fluffy I can’t even close my suitcase!!

I will die on a white floor just to mess with the chalk outline guy.

i’d imagine the sound of clowns having sex would just be a cacophony of bicycle horns

My kid informed me that her favourite salad is butter and I felt that

*possum hospital

Nurse: Get the crash cart?!
Doctor: Give it a minute