Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I left my kid in daycare an extra half hour so I could eat Doritos without sharing and I have absolutely no regrets about this

Episcopalian sounds like a drunk person trying to call a cat

Her: “Add insult to injury why don’t you”

Me: “Your broken leg looks fat in that cast”

Me: pass me that cup

Kid: *gives me cup*

Me: I didn’t say simon says haha

[Later]

Me: PASS… MY… INHALER

Kid: not falling for that again

me: I just hate delivering bad news over the phone

firefighter: *staring at burned down building* ok but you still should’ve

I’m not crazy, I’m just mentally spicy.

god: make a guy who brings children presents

angel: aww that’s nice

god: have him slide through chimneys at night

angel: wait what

god: i want him to scream ho ho ho while riding a flying sled pulled by a bunch of those horned horses

angel: dude

Sorry I missed your call, the frogs had my phone again.

Lots of stores are gonna close as a result of this. That means there will be roughly 700% more Spirit of Halloween stores come October

Toddlers can actually be very generous despite their reputation. Sometimes they’ll even offer you the food from out of their own mouth.

Sweetie, I didn’t mute you. I turned the quality filter on and then all your tweets disappeared.

Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene are really unnecessary.

crow 1: wanna hang out?

undercover cop crow: you’re busted for attempted murder

Breaking news: There’s been an alarming rise of close call heart attacks. The first symptom is, “you almost gave me a heart attack!”

I once stayed at an AirBnB with a big sign above the sink saying to not spit in it. I stood there with toothpaste in my mouth for many minutes before finally spitting in the toilet. I still don’t know what they wanted us to do, and I will never forget.

Don’t get upset if you hit a lot of red lights on your way to work. You’d turn red too if you had to change in the middle of the street.

I decided to become a dad when I noticed how many kids never finish their nuggets.

I actually enjoy homeschooling my kids. What’s my secret? I’m doing a terrible job.

I thought we agreed on rhyming wedding vows Brenda I looked like an amateur out there

M: Wanna try tantrum sex?

W: You mean “tantric”?

M: *stomps feet* Fine! We’ll do it your way!

When someone asks me why I’m in a wheelchair, I want to say something ridiculous like, “I’m not standing up until my grandson gets a Golden Ticket to Willy Wonka’s Chocolate Factory.”

When I was sixteen, I had to learn how to drive a stick, because we couldn’t afford a car.

“I finally caught up with my son.”
“That’s good. Progress. How did it go?”
“Badly. I cut off his hand THEN told him.”

– Vader & therapist

9yo: have you heard the song “I like big butts and I cannot lie”?

me: yes, but that song is inappropriate.

9yo: oh… so I should lie?

My husband: When have I ever steered us wrong?

*Flashback to 2014*

My husband: Trust me, investing a huge chunk of our life savings in RadioShack is going to make us millionaires.

As the zombies swarm, I ask for one last selfie. By the time they realise their dead flesh won’t activate the touch screen, I’m long gone.

I don’t wanna brag but I have definitely pet my slippers thinking they were my cat

“Adults are lame. After they have kids, they never do anything exciting.”

-my son, blaming the victims

College: Now that you’re making tons of money with your degree, please donate back to us every year
Me: lol
College: lol ikr?