If commercials want people to look at them they should all start with the sound of a phone vibrating
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How apt that, after listening to “hold music” for an hour, I need a hug.
Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.
Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?
FYI – so it IS illegal to put a skylight on the 5th floor of an 8th floor apartment building
I dream of living in a world where men are judged not by the color of their skin, but by the contents of their iPod.
*whispers to old lady at Starbucks*
one time they ran out of coffee here and we ate a baby
Barbie gave me unrealistic body standards like that my head would fall off.
My jeans aren’t too small, they’re my compression pants.
Me: *folding a fitted sheet*
Ghost: Ouch.
My sister asked if I stole her cream sweater. Uh, yeah. Who else would’ve stolen it? You think a burglar broke in and was like “Cute top!”
Any zoo can be a petting zoo if you’re really good at climbing fences.
*lying in bed*
*drops chip down cleavage*
*thinks, I’m so tired, leave it
*also, mmmmm, breakfast*
Twitter: Don’t say a word for 7 days. 60 women unfollow you.
Real life: Don’t say a word for 7 days. Every woman wants to marry you.
[a robber breaks into my house]
me, to my dog: sic him, boy, sic him
my dog: [coughs into his paw, wipes it on the robber’s face, and then looks at me for approval]
me: not… [rubbing my temples] not like that tho
restaurant owner: you start on monday
me: I can’t wait
restaurant owner: I don’t think this will work out then
Her: Do you want to see Downton Abbey tonight?
Me: Only if John Wick shows up and one of them killed his puppy.
Me[seeing snow for the first time]: Damn, that rain is thicc!
Kids today will never understand just how COOL it felt to be a little white girl singing all the words to “Gangsta’s Paradise”.
Husband just told our daughter we were going hiking “near the place where mommy had to pee outside”
A guy knocked on my door asking for a donation for the Abandoned Children’s Home…so I gave him my kids.
HER: do u have a condom
ME: u bet [whistles]
[an eagle flies thru the window & drops off a cat]
H: holy shit
M: ya sometimes he brings cats
I knew I’d pissed off Mother Nature when she sent a hurricane to wash my car and then left it on my roof.
[Home Depot]
Me: Hi, I’d like to return this toilet plunger, please.
Cashier: I’m sorry, is it defective?
Me: No. It worked great
I wish there was enough room on TV for another show called Judge Judy, but where people just stood around criticizing a woman named Judy.
I’m glad they call themselves attorneys-at-law. I wouldn’t want to accidently hire an attorney-at-baking or an attorney-at-pottery.
2017 – Wizard of Oz
[opening credits]
Dorothy: *opens weather app*
[end credits]
I think I married someone else’s soulmate. I wish they’d come get him.
damn demi, your rap battle opponent didn’t even try to diss your clothes. what’s your secret. [camera pans out to show all-orange outfit]
I’m in a bad mood right now so I’m hoping to hear some good news about something bad happening to someone I hate.
Tom’s of Maine is a really good deodorant to buy if you don’t mind spending a little extra to smell like you don’t use deodorant.
Him: I gave up drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year
Me: I gave up.
Drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year