If completely vanishing from people’s lives is “ghosting” them, then only talking to people once a month should be called “werewolfing.”
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*marshmallows
*chocolate
*graham crackers
*lighter fluid
*matchesCashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”*wine
*tampons
The only thing worse than getting caught sneaking alcohol into the house by your wife is being called amateur by your teen son.
We installed those slam-proof bumpers on all of our doors. My kids’ fingers are safe, but I have no way of knowing when my wife is mad at me.
I have a picture of Leonard Nimoy holding a kitten.
I call it Spock and Aww.
Thank you. Goodnight, everybody.
Karma has taught me to never laugh at a stranger being attacked by a seagull.
[moments after time traveling to 1863]
LINCOLN: four score & seven years ago
ME: [behind a tree] JUST SAY IT NORMAL
Cop leans over body:
Looks like *removes shades* cement poisoning
Or a case *removes mustache* of gravity
Or *removes teeth* aaah gaah bwaa
Need to get rid of an annoying guest or person on the phone? Take a kazoo to the speaker and blow it directly into their ear.
You’re welcome.
[learning to drive stick]
Dad: hands at 10 and 2
Me: ok
Dad: now go ahead and shift
Me: *sweating*
Dad: shift
Me: *slowly moves hand*
Dad: 10 AND 2 ARE YOU TRYING TO KILL US
All of my best ideas involve jail time.
please do not approach me unless i have an exclamation point above my head indicating i have a quest for you
[First date] You didn’t google the menu before you came to the restaurant? This isn’t going to work.
The scariest thing about the terrorists is how fast they can do the monkey bars in their training camp videos.
Like seashell soaps, my Ferrero Rocher are decorative.
how I passively talk to my kid
“customarily, the clothes go in the hamper”![]()
Cakes!
– the sequel to the cake I had earlier.
Punched myself in the eye trying to pull on my skinny jeans again
“Huge”.
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If you startle me, I blow up like a puffer fish and roll away.
Yesterday was the shortest day of the year until I read your blog.
“What do your tattoos mean?” They mean I can sit still for a long time
Me: Mistakes my own hair for a spider at least once a day & screams
Also me: [watching Criminal Minds] I could totally be a cop
I’m still waiting for the chicken pot pie I cooked last weekend to cool down.
[First date stroll in the park]
Me: So you work at the planetarium?
Date: Yeah.
Me: Thats so cool *points to the sky* What’s that constellation called?
Date: The sun.
A tartan is what you get when you sunbathe on the asphalt
Hot woman *points at my empty glass* hey, want another?
Me: Why would I want another empty glass?
[later]
Me *stops brushing teeth* hang on
Sir, you can’t walk up to the drive through window.
[45 minutes later]
*gallops up to window on stick horse*