If completely vanishing from people’s lives is “ghosting” them, then only talking to people once a month should be called “werewolfing.”
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me: cheeseburgers are better than sex
her: maybe you’re doing it wrong
me: I stick my meat between two buns and slather it in sauce, add cheese, pickles and bacon
her: I meant sex
me: me too
When my son loses his 1st tooth, Im putting $1 under his pillow and a note that says “I’ll be back with a hammer for the rest. -Tooth Fairy”
If you get really mad, stop and count to five. Then punch them as hard as you can. The five second delay will surprise them.
Well, I was having a good day until my son opened up his backpack & handed me a fundraiser envelope.
[inventing napkin dispensers]
bob: it has 2 settings
exec: ok
bob: 1 at a time
exec: ok
bob: or 37 at a time
exec: first of all I love it
[at a store]
Me: What can you tell me about those sunglasses?
*sunglasses loudly arguing about politics*
Clerk: Well, they’re polarized
So creative 😂
Sure, we’ve all been through hard times, but even when I waitressed part time during college and ate ramen noodles every night for dinner I still saved my money for important things like Charmin double ply mega rolls.
Hate it when people tell me “don’t be stupid”. It’s not like I have a choice in the matter.
Costco workers just authorized a nationwide strike, which makes sense because collective action is basically just buying justice in bulk
Cop: anything in your pockets that might hurt me?
“Nah”
*cop pulls out a pic of his ex GF and suspect*
Cop: *wiping tears* I’m over it
First rule of having a pet is to say everything twice. The second time in a sillier voice than the first.
Waits for the worst possible time to tell you that they have to pee…
~Kids
My front facing camera:
Me: I disagree.
Whenever someone says, “that’s what she said”, I like to reply with, “not to you”
Today my 6yo said it was good it’s snowing, as that means the earth isn’t getting hotter, and tonight she starts as an anchor on Fox News.
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: What is it that you are both most fearful of?
WIFE: I just…[sobbing]…don’t want the kids to suffer
ME: Eels
You had ONE job!
– insensitive greetings card for the recently laid-off.
Me: what’s the weather like?
Mom: just open the door and find out
Me: *opens cargo hatch and is sucked out of airplane* it’s
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secret recipe
Everybody has a method to their twitter madness. Don’t critique mine, and I won’t critique yours. If you don’t like how I do it, unfollow.
My ex was saved in my phone as “the antichrist” until my children were able to read.
About four minutes into any run I decide to work on my personality instead.
neighbors are automatically creepy because they’re strangers who know where you live
I play videogames for a few hours and World War 3 breaks out wtf
My boyfriend’s really happy we can meet up again now lockdown’s over
My husband not so much so
Going to a DaBaby concert because I need some alone time, and I know no one else will be there.
Saw online –
I love my wife dearly, but she just used the word “whatevs” for the first time, so 17 years. It’s been a good run.
I call my wife the iNag because she has 32GB of complaints and they’re set on shuffle.