If completely vanishing from people’s lives is “ghosting” them, then only talking to people once a month should be called “werewolfing.”
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I can understand your anger at me, but what could you possibly have against the horse I rode in on?
Everything that my lip balm is, I want to be.
Rich, Hydrating, and Age-Defying.
Friend: What’s the consequence for bigamy? Me: You have to visit TWO sets of inlaws over the holidays
If I have a son, he’s going to be named Alvin Simon Theodore, and it’ll be funny as hell whenever anyone gets mad and yells his full name.
“Having sex for money is bad because it is counterfeiting feelings” wow dude, I have bad news about every other customer service job ever
Seagulls are the annoying drunk white girls of the bird community.
Tried belly dancing but ended up looking like an insect about to die.
[watching christmas movie]
Me: who’s your favorite character?
Daughter: I like the grinch.
Me: but he’s the bad guy.
Daughter: maybe he stole Christmas only cause they wrote that really mean song about him first.
Me:
Daughter: maybe whoville had it coming.
my lawyer: deny everything
me: no
Watching A Quiet Place and being reminded of all those times I’ve got home drunk trying to be as quiet as possible……I’d be dead in the first 30 seconds of this movie.
[her thinking to herself in the restaurant] he seems nice and normal
[me thinking to myself] she let the waiter twist her pepper 8 twists??
My ex once told me that she still had feelings for me but then clarified that they were all negative ones
The secret to effective prayer is asking for things that would have happened anyway.
Me: You haven’t fought with your sister in two whole days.
10yo: I know. We should send her to camp more often.
Dr: Do you abuse alcohol?
Me: Only when I can’t get the lid off.
The one nice thing about your friends’ divorces is no one invites you to them.
I bet
“Lady In Red” is my favorite song about a guy that’s trying to get laid even though he can’t remember her goddamn name.
Me every day: You kids drive me insane. I need a break.
Me before a kid-free trip: I CAN’T LEAVE MY LITTLE SUGAR PLUMS
Husband’s at Costco and sending me pics of beef stroganoff in a pouch. That’s enough excitement for one night.
Man: You’ve been very loyal but it’s best we part ways
Dog: I don’t understand. What’s the problem?
Man: Your talking kinda freaks me out.
The road to insanity is paved with failed login attempts.
When I die, instead of being cremated or buried, I’d like my body to be thrown out of a tree onto a group of teens
I’m inventing a new holiday where you take back one gift you previously gave someone.
Bookshop in Fowey, Cornwall.
When my youngest brother was little he was being bullied and went to my parents for help. They told him “Sticks and stones may break my bones” they then asked him to finish the phrase and he said “but chains and whips excite me” he seriously thought that was he second part.
*Librarian walks in* You know what’s great kids? You don’t need wifi to read a book!
*Kids boo*
*Someone in the crowd yells “NERD”*
“Be the change you want to see in the world. ”
Me: Cool, can I be a 10 and two 5’s?
ME: we need to talk
BOYFRIEND: I agree. I was thinking—
ME: the fact that Rudolph’s nose was shiny says nothing about its actual luminosity & if it DID glow, red is the least bright light that human eyes see which is why it’s used in observatories. It wouldn’t help Santa at all
If nothing else, the iOS7 update has proved it’s usefulness by automatically adding the little accent mark to the word jalapeño for me.