Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Toddler: I want toast

Me to husband: I don’t want to give her toast

Husband: just tell her she already ate it

Me: you already ate your toast

Toddler: *eyes narrow*

Husband: you said it was yummy

Toddler: *walks away*

Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: why are you leaving?

-me, watching an Avengers movie with my family

99% of my Dad’s excellent driving record is due to the defensive driving skills of other motorists.

Them: Are you going to be part of the problem or part of the solu-
Me: Oh problem, definitely
Them: That wasn’t…it was a rhetorica
–
Me: I have some ideas on how to make the problem even funnier than it is

The movie scene where discarded clothes lead to lovers in bed, except it’s my clothes leading to my wife picking them up and cursing me.

People will smugly use shrove tuesday to say you can have pancakes any day of the year, and then get weird when I respond by holding mistletoe over their head.

Grab and smash, smash and grab such is time spent in a mammogram

The next person to take my tweets seriously is getting $500

I’m not saying it rains a lot in the UK, but I am amazed we don’t get more medieval-style terrified by the occasional snatched glimpses of a giant ball of fire in the sky.

My husband has been gone for 6 months. He’s on his 4th tour of Ikea.

On average I spend about $80 a year to watch bananas turn brown.

Awesome hanging with yall just real quick can you guys not tag me in the pictures cause a few years ago I accidentally faked my own death

The more I learn about Myself the more atheist I become.

it’s called “no YOU were supposed to pay the electric bill”

Standing on the corner with a cardboard sign that says ‘will work around red flags.’

Michael Phelps & I have a combined 19 gold medals & 4 DUI’s.

Don’t mess with me man, I will put glitter on everything you love.

🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

Therapist: Do you think it’s ok to cry?
Me: Sure. Like if you have to go to Costco on a Saturday.

11: how large is Scotland Yard?

Me: a yard is 3 feet. So…

11: never mind, I will ask google.

me: don’t you dare tell me I’ve had enough

him: sorry, but—

m: *shouting* what kind of barman limits customers to just one?

h: *sighs, pours*

m: finally! I’ll have another one of those delicious cookies too, please

h: now may I go back to giving communion?

Him [angrily]: You borrowed my car and it’s a mess. McDonald’s wrappers, fries on the floor…
Me: Let me stop you right there, because first of all, I never TOUCH McDonald’s. It’s Wendy’s.

“This undercooked pasta is an absolute car crash”

What do you mean?

“It’s all denty”

And they lived apathetically ever after.

My wife started clipping coupons to help me save money.

She keeps them in the side pocket of her $800 purse.

You’re not a real family unless you all have different names for the same dog.

You can abandon any ideas of serving me with papers, sir, for as long as my foot remains in this toilet, I am only subject to Maritime Law.

me: *kicking stirrups* go on now git

gynecologist: stop that

Huge sale this weekend, we have too many mountain lions, please come buy a mountain lion, this was a horrible business plan, one guy got ate

For Mother’s Day, I told my teens, I’m going to reenact every detail of each of your births.