Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When walking by the school’s lost and found area dads can’t stop themselves from saying “you wanna go shopping, get a new coat?”

producer [at a stuntman’s funeral]: he died for our scenes.

damn girl r u internet explorer cause u are not responding lol

Friends: Get married. Have kids. Get a promotion. Travel the world.

Me: Still standing in the grocery store trying to get open a plastic produce bag.

We’d like to remind passengers that free in-flight wi-fi is available for purchase immediately after take off

– airlines airlining

Patron approaches the reference desk.
“Does the library have COVID tests?”
“Yes.”
“Do you have masks for the public?”
“Yes.”
“Do you have gloves?”
“Yes. My turn: do you have COVID?”
“Yes.”
“Well good I’m glad we’re both bringing something to this exchange.”

Interior designer.

My fridge is a veritable cornucopia of leftovers. I am not grateful for this cornucopia. My cornucopia is beginning to grow stuff.

Me: This escape room sucks

My boss: This is a budget meeting…

Good slumber party questions:
– What’s the furthest underground you’ve ever eaten a burger
– How many necks have you touched
– What’s pesto

Me to cat: quit looking at me like I’m an ingredient

If you turn your head back and forth really fast you can see your ears.

My middle son has two imaginary horses that he always brings to my house

It’s really sweet, but it’s costing me a fortune in imaginary hay

My girlfriend just got the definition of mansplaining wrong and now I don’t know what to do.

Me: mmm daddy, all up in there
Priest: it’s “our father who art in heaven”

Stealthily I approach the deer, removing an arrow from my quiver

Deer: I can see you AND you’re literally saying that out loud

i cannot relate to all these YA main characters that have the focus and determination to complete their little tasks and save the world. after about two weeks when the hyperfixation of it wore of, i’d let the planet die bc i discovered knitting

employee: should I restock the vegetables

manager: why aren’t you using the time-saving code words from my training

employee: fine, should I *air quote fingers* reproduce

Cat that has never been so insulted in all nine of its lives of the day.

*adds Doritos to wedding registry*

Cheers to all who skipped that one dish at Thanksgiving because you just didn’t trust the person who brought it.

melted five butterfingers together and made a butterfist

Remember when The Backstreet Boys told us to show them the meaning of being lonely and we were like ok

Today’s horoscope.
●Sagittarius: You’re about to have issues with an Aries.

●Aries : Sagittarius think you suck.

Mechanic: You’re ready to roll.

Me: I think I’d rather drive.

Drove to my parents house to exchange ham and coconut cake from 6 feet apart. It was like a weird ham and coconut cake drug deal.

Maybe Hitler started WWII after being constantly attacked by time travelers.

If I take anymore ibuprofen, I’m going to have to log it as a snack.

I’m tired of people saying “here’s my go to lazy meal” and then they start chopping an onion