Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Divorce update: my ex is accusing me of stealing canned soup from our former home

*wakes up, peers outside*
*closes dumpster lid and goes back to bed*

The bleeding walls and voice saying “Get out” I can live with but the inadequate natural light in the breakfast nook is intolerable.

That prank where you roll the windows down as you go through a carwash so your friends get soaked isn’t as funny when you do it by yourself

[zoo]
ME: Haha…this one’s face!
WIFE: Tha-
M [bangs on glass]
W: Stop it
M [pulls funny face]
W [elbows me aside] So sorry, 2 tickets pls

Well, I made it up past 9pm, so yeah, you could say my Friday night is wild and crazy.

[Googling instructions for disarming a bomb]
For me, disarming bombs is indelibly linked to afternoons spent in my grandmother’s kitchen, watching her carefully iron the parchment paper that the nitroglycerin came bound in (to be reused at Christm
[Hurried scrolling]

I don’t need all of these heat advisory warnings on my phone. I’ve been outside. I have skin. I know.

I made £40,000 in one day using a simple trick. Send me £2,000 and I’ll tell you how I did it

Fight

Am I fun? No. Interesting? No. Dateable? Yes. I’d place me late 20th century.

*watching an elephant eat a ton of food* wow

*my cat watching me eat a ton of food* wow

Sometimes I see an account celebrating big milestone after only 6 months on Twitter then I notice all their tweets are stolen and I get pissed that none of them are mine. Rude.

9am: protein shake, oatmeal
1pm: small salad, chicken breast
5pm: grilled salmon, spinach
9pm: 4 whole “i don’t give a shit anymore” pizzas

“Ever wonder why Rice Krispies costs the same as quieter cereals?”
why would-
“It’s because they’re sold by weight-“
Dan, NO
“not by volume”

Me: “I don’t make everything sexual”

*plugs phone into charger*

“You like that huh?”

GOD: [as a kid] DINOSAURS!

GOD: [as a teenager] You will know the profound sadness of existence, humans.

“WTF?”

“Seriously?”

“How could you?”

“Oh, man!”

“I’m right here.”

-my dog watching me throw food in the trash

I hate it when I speak French to the homeless guy saying I don’t understand English and he replies in French so I have to give him money.

Living every minute with impostor syndrome anxiety, dreading the day the other librarians discover I don’t have any cats or any cardigans.

Me: I choose Truth!

Him: What is the most time wasting app on your phone?

Me: …I choose Dare!

My ex-wife didn’t like flowers so in an effort to be romantic I covered the bed with tiny airplane liquor bottles instead of rose petals

Don’t mind me, I slept on the wrong side of the bed, spilled a ton of water on me trying to take a sip from the bottle, slipped on a plate which I forgot I left on the floor, and the most tragic of all, I accidentally put on men’s perfume

[restaurant]
*motions for waiter*
Waiter! Bill please!
*Bill comes out & dances embarrassingly to entertain me & the guests*
Thanks Bill!

Twitter announced today that they’ve lost 134 million dollars this year. I don’t know if they want us to look for it or what the deal is.

Wake up, kids! Bees can’t even read, much less spell. IT’S A SCAM!

I caught my 6-year-old trying to hide a banana peel to save it for later because he wants to make a craft with it “maybe next week.”

I may or may not have a joke about Schrodinger’s cat.