Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: WHEN I WAS YOUNG WE HAD TO PAY FOR LONG DISTANCE CALLS
a young person: that sounds terrible
me: IT WAS

I told this cashier she kinda looked like Lorde, and as I was walking out, heard the lady behind me assure her she did not look like Jesus.

Playing horsey, but it’s just my 2yo granddaughter riding my last nerve.

The average time it takes for an elderly woman to get her ringing cellphone out of her purse is 11 days.

Him: Will you marry me?

Me: omg what did I do, why don’t you want to have sex with me anymore?

It’s not “Quiet Quitting” if you won’t shut up about it.

[stubs toe]
“GOD DAMMIT”
God: No problem, bro.
[toe goes to Hell]

They say Life never gives you more than you can handle.

Life seems to have me confused with twelve jugglers.

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Cuz saying ‘pulled me under’ sounds weird??

Every person you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.

Make it worse by asking if they’re drinking enough water.

if you encounter a bear in the woods, make your self as big as possible. Talk about how much money you make and how hot your girlfriend is.

So disappointed. I was unable to witness the awesome spectacle of the Perseid meteor shower in the middle of the night because unfortunately the view in my location was totally obscured by a thick layer of bedroom.

Human: your name is Flipper
Dolphin: (angerly) uh ok, HAND

Who called them ghosts instead of post-existing conditions?

At the urinal in an I-95 rest stop bathroom:

Siri’s voice (from my back pocket): Turn left.

Man to the left of me: Please don’t.

Person: I evaluate the efficacy of new medications

Me: *nodding* a curator

In New York, people are paying up to $100 for a “cronut,” which is croissant/donut. We call these people “midiots,” which is a moron/idiot.

If I die, tell them to reconstruct me from sock DNA.

Her: do we have an LED lightbulb

Me: you don’t have to spell it the kids are asleep

Normalize responding to work emails with:

“What the fuck are you talking about?”

Twitter is like a rocking chair.

It gives you something to do

and takes you nowhere

me: do dragons eat treasure? why do they want it

google: we’re doing this again?

If you need another reason to stay off Facebook there’s a “turn yourself into a ‘Peanuts’ character” thing going around.

ok ladies and gentlemen of the jury, before i get any farther along in my testimony, i would like for you to take a moment to recognize the “jurors are beautiful” shirt i am wearing

The most stressful part of my day is when my 5 year old shows me what he made in Arts & Crafts and I have to guess what it is.

Diarrhea awareness week starts today. Runs through Sunday.

I was very proud of myself for eating a healthy dinner. So naturally I rewarded myself with a bowl of ice cream.

supermarket employee [scanning 34 different types of cheese]: you sure do like cheese

me [nervously looking at my shirt pocket where a mouse pointing a gun at me is sitting]: cheese

air hand dryers are afraid of people and when you put your hands near them, well, thats them screaming.