Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I hope this cauliflower salad I’m bringing to the BBQ gets me laid.

I am the King of the Universe and I have a son and he occasionally appears on grilled-cheese sandwiches. #yup

me: be gentle, it’s been a while for me

turbo tax advisor:

*Romantically carries pizza over threshold

If someone sends you a link marked ‘Madonna Singing Naked in the Bathtub’ don’t open it.

It’s Madonna singing naked in a bathtub.

[ looking at family pictures ]

Kid: where am I?

Me: you weren’t born yet

[ later ]

Kid: *drawing family*

Me: where’s mommy?

Kid: you weren’t born yet

Damn

Ladies call me “the turkey sandwich” because I seem bland and boring at first, but then I continue to be boring.

Watching Prosecuting Evil. Annnnddddd every episode so far is within 100 miles of my house. No worries, absolutely no reason to worry.

I’ll straight up listen to yacht rock on a house boat and house music on a yacht I really don’t give a shit anymore.

Lost in the desert, you scan the horizon with your device. To the east, you see the leaning tower of Pisa. To the west, you see the familiar pillars of Stonehenge. That’s when you realize you should have brought binoculars instead of a Viewmaster.

The thing about my dogs barking is I can never tell if there is a murderer breaking in or if my neighbor closed their car door in the driveway.

I’ve realized about a third of my life is spent trying to ignore the fact that I have to pee.

Commissioner Gordon: It says here that bats sleep upside down and wee over themselves.

Batman: We also poop.

CG: We?

B: They. I mean they

For those of you wondering why there’s no swim-up bar in the Olympic pool that swimmers can visit mid-race for a pina colada, it’s for financial reasons: given the cost of hiring bar staff and the 8-person limit in the pool, there’s just no way a bar would be financially viable.

“When I said Legos, I meant Roblox, but don’t worry about it. Santa knows what I meant.”

My 4YO, on the evening of December 23rd.

Now that Fox News is 18 can we send it to Iraq?

If I’m extra friendly and super sweet when I see you again, it’s cause I’ve forgotten your name

I’m not moody, I’m just on shuffle

BaD BoY!!

You never hear of Albert Einstein’s evil twin brother, Frank.

DJ Aligator is my favourite musician named after two things that tried to bite me in my twenties.

me: your wife’s surgery was a success

him: great. *pulls me aside* so how long until we can have sex?

me: *shrug* I’m free whenever

I enjoy romantic scrolls up and down your timeline.

I hate when you go to a surprise party, and all anyone wants to do is talk about your drug problem.

My wife is having hot flashes today which explains why the air conditioning is set to below freezing and there are several penguins in my living room.

I just know they’re trying to reach him about an extended warranty.

I just saw a payphone and bet my 6yo $5 that she couldn’t tell me what it was.

Safest bet I ever made.

Well, that’s one way to clear a train quickly.

I wish my ears would visibly lay back like a cats when I’m pissed off so people would know when to leave me the hell alone.

Would love to comment on the scam lady but I took out student loans to get a theatre degree from a liberal arts school, so.