Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

10: Mom.

Me: What!! It’s late.

10: Beds are basically wireless chargers for humans.

[My relationship with TV]

There’s nothing on.

*watches nothing for the next six hours.

The woman on the train next to me is having an argument with her boyfriend on loudspeaker about whether they need to buy a fridge for their new flat. She is Team Fridge, he insists he can “keep his ham in the garden”. Looks like I’m missing my stop today.

My cousin thinks the phrase is sperm of the moment. Someday, I may correct her.

doctor: i have the results of your cholesterol test

me: did i pass? haha

doctor: no but you will very soon

[zoo]
cop: what happened here?
boss: they attacked when he tried to inflate one of them
me inside enclosure: [with final breath] babloon

I only wear dresses on sad occasions, like funerals and weddings.

me: i should go to sleep
brain: read every political tweet that’s ever been written. let the rage fuel you. sleep is for the weak

I can’t afford a vacation. So I’m just going to drink until I don’t know where I am.

Next time I get asked in an interview what would I do if I win the lottery I’m going with “I’d start a cult” and see where things go from there

Big up the 12 yr old kid on my daughter’s school camping trip who has mistakenly got my number listed in her phone as my daughter’s number and so has been texting me from her tent at midnight and 2am going SO WHAT’S THE PLAN?

I’m getting old. I’m watching a horror film about a house with a hidden cellar that wasn’t on the deeds, and all I can think is how much value that would add.

Me: I’m going to be a great doctor one day

My patient: [bleeding out] when

My favorite state to visit?

Unconsciousness

Barnabas had a lazy eye.

The other, however, was a real go-getter.

Yes, the 5:00 whistle! I’m so excited I’m going to yell a catchphrase of some sort and slide right down the tail of an unidentified dinosaur on my way to clock out!

Turtleneck pro: if you wear one while you’re eating you can’t get crumbs in your bra.
Turtleneck con: see above.

#ImNotWorriedCuz I’m into this

I lose my self-control around cookies. Last week I had a package of oreos in the cupboard and i killed a guy

Shutdown Apocalypse Update: GPS is down. Using a refrigerator magnet as a compass. I think it’s just pointing to another refrigerator.

Friend: I can’t stand one-uppers.

Me: I can’t stand them more.

I used to feel sorry for people eating lunch by themselves but now I feel sorry for the people eating lunch with other people.

Buying a new phone isn’t even satisfying anymore. It’s literally just your old phone with a haircut.

[Writing Batman theme]
WRITER: So it starts by saying “Batman.”
PRODUCER: Well that makes sense, just once?
WRITER: 23 times.
PRODUCER:
WRITER: Then you just make noise for awhile.
PRODUCER:
WRITER
PRODUCER:
WRITER: Then you say Batman again.

HUNGOVER IN YOUR 20s

[takes tylenol and goes about the day]

HUNGOVER IN YOUR 30s

[writing letter] Dearest Penelope, I fear this may be the final time I am blessed to feel the warmth of the sun upon my breast. I grow more weary by the moment, and prospects for survival are slim

Ron Swanson with nurse:

Is there a history of mental health disorders in your family?

“I have an uncle who does yoga”

the battle rages on

dad: snapping a pic of your grandma in her coffin is weird
me: it’s socially acceptable these days
dad: just hurry up so we can put her back in the ground

The dogboner /Neil degrasse Tyson situation has been an elaborate ruse all so Michael hale could claim on gawker that he has a girlfriend

there had to be at least one guy in Troy who looked at the Trojan horse and was like “oh my god do not bring that wooden piece of shit in here”