Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: Gary, plse hand me the vial of ultra contagious lethal virus with no known cure

Gary, who up until now has never dropped anything: ok

Not to brag but I don’t even need meditation, my mind goes blank the second someone asks me for directions.

I like to flush the toilet a few times when I’m on the phone with someone who calls me so they know not to do that again

My life has been so screwed up when there was supposed to be a fork in the road I found a spoon.

[pearly gates]
ME: whoa
JESUS: sup bro! Welcome
M: have you… always had a-
J: falcon head? Lol yep come on in let’s weigh that heart

Eating vegetables after a failed attempt at picking up your shirt with your toes.

*whispers* forlorn corn.

America: You drive for four hours. You are still in the same part of the country.

UK: You drive for two hours. The local accent has changed twice. Bread rolls have a new name.

cop: *knocks on my car window*

me: sorry is the music too loud

cop: yes

me: *sets down bagpipes*

LIFE HACK: If a public restroom is locked, violently yank the door handle over and over like a gorilla and never accept that it’s occupied

At a wedding where the minister told everyone to stand next to the person who makes life worth living. The bartender was almost trampled.

Pretty sure my refrigerator is having sex with itself from all the noises its making.

My 5YO lost her first tooth and is very certain that the tooth fairy will give it to an old lady who really needs it

Breaking up with random numbers is my new hobby.

‘Pardon my French’ -People who you would never pardon and who don’t know any French

I put the clean laundry pile on my bed so I’d be motivated to fold it and have a place to sleep. So after a few nights sleeping on the couch I started scooping all the laundry up in my quilt, setting it on the floor, then putting it back on the bed in the morning.

5 yo- can I roll down the car window?

Me- yeah, just don’t yell at that man.

Years ago I was able to find the trashcan in a friend’s kitchen on the first try, and I’ve been riding that high ever since

“Take me with you,” I whisper, palms pressed to the windowpane, watching the trash truck drive away.

Unsure if you want kids or not? My son told me he throws the grapes that “look funny” behind the couch and I just found his secret pile of rotting fruit.

8am: eats healthy breakfast
12pm: eats healthy lunch
6pm: eats healthy dinner

11pm: rips open bag of chips with teeth & straps it on like a feedbag

Me *texting* I found a genie!

Wife: ok don’t do anything stupid

Me *finishing my 3rd taco* like what

Once I saw a post about someone setting up a snail habitat and they included empty snail shells in a tiny graveyard, in case mourning was an essential snail need

Waiter: and for you?

Me: *after rehearsing in my head for 15 minutes* the chimney changas

“Don’t worry, I’ll hold your stuff. You just worry about making friends.” – Cargo Pants

why is it called “free time” when i use it to spend all my money

You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this preschool.

Son won’t eat sandwich I made him but will lick dog bowl

I can’t remember why I walked into this room, but if you need to know the phone number of my best friend from fourth grade, I’m your gal.

Teacher: Write what you know.

Student: *writes “what you know.”*

[at the mechanic]
mechanic: what is the problem
me: my car