If coronavirus isn’t about beer then why do they keep talking about cases of it
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A Starbucks was robbed at gunpoint this afternoon. The culprits are still at venti.
I can’t blame this generation too much for doing stupid stuff. My generation thought 7 Police Academy movies were a good idea
My 61-year-old stepmom loves your product, Mark Zuckerberg.
Well Bob, I love to travel, and being my own boss is great. But I suppose my favorite thing about being a serial killer is murdering people.
BRAKING NEWS!!
friend: wish you were here!
me, abruptly stopping whatever I’m doing and captaining a speedboat approaching your house: oh really
[1st date]
You’re gonna love this place
*pushes you out the passenger side door and drives away
Unicorn
(ꪀ.) A single piece of corn.
Job interview with the NSA
Applicant: Would you like references?
NSA: We have everything we need.
App: You guys!
NSA: I know, right!
The Dow fell 500 points last night, indicating that the start of the Halloween season has investors spooked
[invention of baseball]
Guy: I’ll throw the ball
Me: and I catch it
Guy: no hit it with a stick
Me: then what?
Guy: someone else will try to catch it
Me: what if I miss?
Guy: someone else will try to catch it
Me: you could just say you don’t want to play catch with me dad
My friend tripped and fell, ran into a tree and broke her nose on her morning run this morning. I reminded her, I maybe got a little out of breath, but didn’t hurt anything eating cheesecake in bed.
Atlantic Canada was hit with its heaviest snowfall in 20 years. If you live in Atlantic Canada, you…probably noticed.
Got a lifetime ban from Target for spending less than $20
I’ve never felt more geriatric than when I just looked up movie times and audibly gasped at the audacity of a 9:45 pm start. No sir! I will be 30 min into my melatonin induced coma by then.
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wearing my wife’s clothes standing in the mirror.
Schrödinger: you see, there’s no way of knowing if the cat is alive or dead
Box: *violently shakes and hisses*
Schrödinger: … it’s a paradox
Box: *screeches threateningly*
At my funeral I won’t need a coffin. I will be cremated from the neck down and my head will be on a stick. If you want to say anything about me you have to hold my head stick
fleetwood mac implies the existence of fleetwood dennis, fleetwood charlie, fleetwood dee, and fleetwood frank
I love the originality of Jack-in-the-Box’s marketing. Name one other fast food chain with a clown for a mascot.
I give it a month and all of us will have buzz cuts.
I’m terrified of all my friends with babies learning that I’ve separately texted each of them: “Wow! That’s the best baby I’ve ever seen!”
My kid keeps asking if we can buy school merch, and sir you are 7 and that is a t-shirt
I lied. There was no crime. I just wanted to see how long it would take the police sketch artist to realize I was describing Patrick Swayze.
The Amazon toy catalogue came to the house and my kids have already run up a 3 million dollar Christmas list tab.
My wife is furious that I phoned the police about some kids selling homemade lemonade in the street. Specifically “they’re not hurting anyone”, “it’s not illegal” and “they’re our kids”
I’m having stuff I ordered delivered to an Amazon hub for pickup, but I didn’t realize you have to give them your Amazon username. So, I’m going to have to walk in and say, “Picking up a package for Lamont Sanford’s Friend Rollo.”
January 1st: anything is possible
January 2nd: but not today
When my kids misbehave we watch ‘Honey, I Shrunk the Kids’ and then I make them stand in a giant Petri dish while I set up the machine.
You never really know if you’re out of invisible ink