If coronavirus isn’t about beer then why do they keep talking about cases of it
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Amuse yourself at dinner parties by stealing one of their forks and replacing it with one of your own
Me: Well…my zipper broke.
HR: You still have to wear pants.
Me: *in my underwear*
Honestly I don’t see what the issue is.
*crosses legs*
*3.5 thank you very much.
[first date]
“What’s wrong?”
I don’t like the ambulance in this place
[sniggering] “You mean ambience”
[next table] NEE NAW NEE NAW WOOOOOO
Remember when I told you that joke about the chiropractor?
It was about a week back…
(Slaps knee!)
*about to check bank account*
Me: “I’m guessing I should probably have about $200 left”
*bank account*: $3.64
Me:
Whenever someone asks how i’m doing & walks away before i answer..I write “GREAT” on the side of thier car with my keys!
So You Think You Can Peel A Kiwi
* on my death bed
Me: One thing I want you to do for me…
Wife: Name it?
Me: I want you to marry Larry.
Wife: (pause)You sure? I thought you hated Larry?
Me: I do.
*3yo’s birthday*
Me: happy birthday, can you blow the candles out?
3yo: ok *blows hard*
Me: great job
3yo: great blow job
Me:
3yo: ?
Me: …. just eat the cake
Having a child doesn’t make you a father. Sneezing as loud as you can after cutting the grass does.
Psychiatrist: what are your future goals?
Me: I can’t tell you because you’ll try to stop me
This hasn’t helped my bull get any sleep at all. In fact, the closer I get to him with the bulldozer, the more agitated he gets.
“My safe word was Worcestershire.”
— A ghost
I didn’t say you are fat, I just said that going out with you feels like going on a double date
This Independence Day please remember that fireworks are not a toy, they are meant to be aimed at the nearest British ship.
this is awesome. I didn’t even know I had a first season. W
I made all my money in the 80s selling Rubik’s Hammers. They were for b****-a** Cubes that thought they were smarter than you.
me: how should i tell my kids they’re adopted?
kid: not like this
My girlfriend told me to take a spider out instead of killing it. We went and had some drinks. Cool guy. Wants to be a lawyer.
Money doesn’t impress me. You know what does? Treehouses.
School is starting soon so time to settle this debate once and for all
What color is math?
I told myself I’d behave today… then I saw my reflection and thought, maybe tomorrow
7: Today in school we had to write 4 sentences about what we ate for breakfast his morning.
Me:
Him:
Me: I forgot to give you breakfast, didn’t I.
saw girl I have crush on with her new fiance at Ikea but you know what they say, when God closes a Stǿrås Innjørdën he opens a Főnstǝrviviǵ
WIFE: He makes everything into a wood pun
ME: This couch has such great lumber support
WIFE: See??
THERAPIST: Try to stop
ME: Oakey dokey
Please pray for my 5yo who demanded I get him a glass of water because he’s “too thirsty to walk to the kitchen”.
7yr old: Mum, what happens if you eat lots of tinsel?
Me: probably emergency surgery to prevent obstruction somewhere in your digestive system.
7yr old: *blank face* *small voice* you get tinselitis.
Whoever named them “sugar cookies” could’ve tried a little harder.