If coronavirus isn’t about beer then why do they keep talking about cases of it
You Might Also Like
Please sign my petition to get my husband off the couch
5: mummy I want to hug you forever *walks off to kitchen*
Me: I thought you wanted to hug me forever
5: yeah now I want cheese
Fun prank. Tell your bf you’re getting your hair done. Leave. Don’t get your hair done. When you come back & he says it looks great stab him
me: freedom implies the existence of freesub
subway: we said no
why is there Head & Shoulders shampoo. who has hair on their shoulders. whos shampooing their shoulder hair. please come forward
glitter can neither be created nor destroyed, only transferred from one location to another
6yo: “Mom, I’m excited that it’s my first eclipse, but I’m sad that it’s your last.” 💀
I caught a cute guy salivating and giving me sexy eyes at the restaurant today and I was growling and giving him kissy faces but it turns out he was eyeing the waitress behind me who was bringing out his food and so to save face I dropped to the floor and faked a seizure.
I attempted smoky eye makeup for a holiday party tonight, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight, so I’m going with that story.
oh you like road-trips? name every road then
Pretty burnt out on the typical lead female in a book who can do anything, and every man wants her. How about a middle aged woman who has had two gin & tonics by 5:30, is wearing sweats, and is glad there’s leftovers so she doesn’t have to cook yes this tweet is oddly specific.
How do I stay in shape? I stole an ostrich, it chases me around the house all day, i hate it
I’m fine, doctor. My heart rate was elevated because I was thinking about tacos
It’s spirit day dress as your idol and my son went as his dad and my daughter went as me and her twin went as a dog. Note to reader: we don’t have a dog.
I forgot to buy sacrificial goats for the eclipse on Monday (stupid!!) but then I remembered I can just log into this app and find an unlimited supply of virgins.
“Come reckon with me bro.”
-Force
So much to do right now
*cracks open beer*
So much to do tomorrow
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes
Netflix: Ok tell me one thing that happened in the last episode
Me: What?
Netflix: The guy with the mustache, what’s his name?
Me: Why are you being like this?
Netflix: *sadly* You’re always on that damn phone
[first date at restaurant]
ME: so, do you like dogs?
HER: I’m more of a-
ME: CHECK PLEASE
I’d have an extra 16 hours of free time every single day if I lost my phone!
Me: If you want to be a Jedi, you have to follow strict rules.
Rey: Like what?
Me: Don’t hook up with anyone. They might be related.
Me (screaming in baby’s face): EITHER KILL ME OR MAKE ME STRONGER!!!!
What I said:
GET IN THE CAR!What my kids heard:
Pour another bowl of cereal & watch TV.
Them: I really really really want a zigga zig ahhh
Hostage negotiator: ok but you need to let the women and children go first.
I say when we bury people we tie their shoes together. If there is a zombie apocalypse, at least it will be goddamn hilarious…
Too many toilets have automatically flushed underneath me for me not to have reservations about self-driving cars
Tiger Woods: cool name, scary place
Our youngest is making herself a smoothie so long story short does anyone know how to clean blueberries off your ceiling?
Friend: I like your blush
Me: Thanks, it’s called Panic Attack
If a spoon doesn’t stand up straight in a cup of coffee you’re not brewing it right.