If coronavirus isn’t about beer then why do they keep talking about cases of it
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“Can you move it? Then it’s not broken. Go play.”
– Dad Medicine 101
My son has said Mom 327 times from his room this morning.
He’s 21 and home for the summer.
It doesn’t get better.
There are two wolves inside you, I don’t remember what you’re supposed to do with them but I DO remember they WILL NOT do that thing with peanut butter that dogs will.
If Jennifer Love Hewitt so much, maybe she should marry her!
My girlfriend and I started dating after her car ran into mine.
We met by accident
Remember when you could lay in one position for hours, now you have to rotate like a rotisserie chicken every 15 minutes or a hip hurts.
“can you explain the gap on your resume” can you explain the gap on your staff?
Me: Nice abs, bro
Gym bruh: Uh, thanks?
Me: *pulling a sheet cake from my gym bag* Be a shame if something were to happen to them
Sperm 1: “Geez I’m exhausted, how much further to the Fallopian tubes?”
Sperm 2: “A long way, we’ve just passed the tonsils…”
[ My unaired House hunters episode ]
Realtor: So what’s your budget?
Me: My budget?
Realtor: And why do you have a rifle carrying case with you?
Me: [zipping case closed and breaking down tripod] I think I misunderstood the title of the show.
Ribbon gymnastics class only it’s me trying to detangle the cord on my headphones.
Batgirl: I have a riddle for you, Riddler.
Riddler: Oh?
B: Notice anything different about me?
R:
R: *jumps to his death from 46th-floor window*
Me: got the Infinity Gauntlet from Thanos
Iron Man: snap and bring everyone back
Me: [turning things into puppies] hold on
Name this drama.
If boarding school taught me anything it’s how to get on planes and trains.
About to check Facebook? Let me save you some time. One of your friends has updated their cover photo to a picture of the beach.
13-year-old: I need cool clothes.
Me: I think your clothes now are pretty cool.
13: That’s the problem
3: I know what’s keeping me awake
Me: What?
3: The air
Me: Oh good, I was worried it was something I wouldn’t be able to fix
[vet office]
Hi I am here to drop my cat off. Just a check-up.
*doctor walks out*
“Hi, I am Dr. Curiosity we-
I’ll take my cat elsewhere
Me: Two men enter, one man leaves
Friend: Do you have to say that every time you drop me off at work?
sometimes I throw random produce into my basket at the grocery store so I don’t look like an 8 year old who just got an advance on their allowance
It’s a good thing I’m not a bird. They’d be telling me I needed to fly south and I’d be like look guys, I only do right or left.
“if you could be any animal what would you be”
a cat
“why a cat”
[imagines being a complete shithead for literally no reason]
naps and stuff
My wife: “What’s Twitter like?”
Me: “It’s amazing.”
Her: “OK, I’ll join.”
Me: “Oh look, Twitter just shut down forever. That’s too bad.”
I remember when a computer didn’t automatically connect to the internet, it used to make a screaming noise. We should have listened.
still thinking about the time my bf told me I was “boring and unoriginal,” and the only thing I could respond with was “no, YOU’RE boring and unoriginal”
I take my kids on vacation because I think it’s important for them to experience new and exciting places where they can cry for more screen time
In hindsight, I made two key mistakes on this family vacation:
1) Going on vacation
2) Taking my family
If you’ve seen one Santa, you’ve seen a mall.
Whoever removed the 30th and 31st from February, come get the 14th too