Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What you call “Brunch” I call “Breakfast for Alcoholics.”

My 6yo’s homework today is learning how to count backwards.

Yep that teacher knows about DUIs alright!

Me: And I would do anything for love.

Her: Put your phone down.

Me: But I won’t do that.

Her: You said anything.

Me: No I won’t do that.

If you tell me you have a quick and easy recipe and I have to scroll to get through all the ingredients that’s not a quick and easy recipe.
Also, you’re now dead to me.

Setting my alarm for 3am.
Going to text this to a coworker and go back to bed until 6.
Then we’ll be even.

99 bottles of beer on the wall?

Challenge accepted

Me: I should tell him how I feel.
Beer: Nah.
Vodka: Just be sweet about it.
Whiskey: Or yell it.
Tequila: MAKE SURE YOU CRY GUYS LOVE THAT

When people get food poisoning they always tell you it came out both ends. But there’s no need to malign the a** in that scenario, the food was going to come out of there regardless of whether it was poisonous

COP: “How’d the pizza go missing?”
HIM: “It was the cat.”
COP: “There was no cat.”
HIM: “Someone broke in.”
COP: “The doors were locked.”
HIM: “It wasn’t me.”
COP: “There’s cheese on your nose.”
HIM: “I want a lawyer.”

[Bar]

Friend: I’m just lucky, I guess. Nothing ever embarrasses me.

Drunk Me: Challenge accepted.

some people have asked how long the park is closed when someone is eaten. i mean for the person eaten it’s closed forever haha… but for everyone else no closures

Hey men, we women love it when you hit us up out of the blue for sex. I mean really, I’ve been waiting for this day for a year, Josh.

[opens GPS voice command]
FIND DOGS TO PET

Oscillating fan: [looks at me in anticipation]

[turns away with disappointment]

I bought my mother-in-law a pair of ankle weights for her workouts. She’s proven to be a much stronger swimmer than I’d imagined.

If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.

Me: no way you could see that with your naked eye

7yo: *shocked* my eye is not naked

Who decided to call them “wedding vows” instead of “veiled threats”?

Gurl are you Quantum Mechanics ’cause you got 10 different interpretations of everything, none of which fully corresponds with reality.

“I mean if you do the math the most weight I can really gain from the pound of pumpkin pie I ate tonight is only one pound” I thought fatly.

ME: Well, time to make like a tree, and leaf.
HER: *giggling* So, my place or…
ME: *starts sprouting leaves from my fingers*
HER: WHAT THE

WIFE: Are you dipping your fries in mashed potatoes?

ME: The Amazon is on fire, Helen. The old rules are dead.

My daughter has a middle school government test today. So I figured the best way to help her study was to weave the material into our convo when she complained this am

me: it is lonely at the top.

therapist: yes, but why is it written under ‘ describe your sex life?’

pope: love all
*everyone cheers*
*he serves a tennis ball right into the crowd*
pope: fifteen-love

God: *closes a door*

Kids: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED

Maintains eye contact with the cashier as he rings up my gloves, duct tape, knife and tampons

Please hold so I can transfer you to a supervisor and accidentally hang up on you.

The Macarena began playing through the dental office speakers as I lied helpless with the hygienist’s hands in my mouth today. #survivor

*always thought ‘copulation’ was the amount of police officers in a given country.