Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

back to work

son: can I borrow your tie for my interview

dad: my what

son: I need a tie

dad: one more time

son: *sighs* your business necklace

Being off twitter for so long gave me the time to appreciate what’s really important in life, so I’m back on twitter

ME: *spills red wine on carpet* I am so sorry
MY GIRLFRIEND’S DAD: That’s ok. So John, what do you do?
ME: *pulls carpet cleaning spray from my bag* Funny you should ask..

Raise your hand if you’ve ever tried to breathe quieter while walking up a hill so strangers didn’t call 911 to put you on life support

We don’t have voluntary control over our internal organs because our brains don’t trust us enough to keep ourselves alive.

Taught a parrot to repeatedly say “WHERE ARE YOUR GLOVES?” and now I don’t have to talk to my kids until Spring so that’s pretty cool.

*phone rings*
“Yeh hi who’s this? Sure he’s here hold on.. Drastic Measures! Call for u.”
“Who is it?”
“Drastic Times”
*crowd goes wild*

Oh no Moo Deng noo!!

[date]

him: I loved Captain Marvel.

me: Me too!

him: What was your favorite part?

me: *sweating* The uhhh…marveling

Always use a fish knife when eating fish, a tomato knife when eating tomato, and a Swiss Army knife when eating a member of the Swiss army.

My brain doesn’t sea typos until I’ve already hit send.

ME: hey buddy you should wear a mask

CLARK KENT: but the glasses have been working fine

There’s only two types of people in the world; people who think they can categorize everything, and people who are not morons.

Was putting away laundry and spotted this betrayal in my wife’s closet. Troubling times my friends, troubling times.

I stole one of those Krispy Kreme “HOT NOW” signs and hung it over our bed because good communication is important in a marriage.

Things that alarm my 5yo

Defcon 3: My 5yo is sick

Defcon 4: My 5yo is hurt

Defcon 5: My 5yo found a piece of tomato peel in her marinara sauce

I appreciate that the saleslady informed me I’d be more comfortable in a 36B cup size, but this is a Best Buy & I’m looking for humidifiers.

[if my cat tweeted]

When “over 38” is sad and missing her boyfriend, I try and cheer her up by peeing on her shoes and puking on her phone.

Her: You have a cigarette machine in your kitchen?

Me: Well it would look ridiculous in the living room…

If a huge bird swooped down and snatched my infant I’m not sure if I’d scream, “my god, my baby!” or “Honey, Honey, get the bird book!”

My tumbleweed is never where I left it.

30% of Satan’s workday is responding to accidental summonings caused by predictive typing.

I think the first person to see a pug was like wait why is that sweet potato snorting?

I’ve never felt more geriatric than when I just looked up movie times and audibly gasped at the audacity of a 9:45 pm start. No sir! I will be 30 min into my melatonin induced coma by then.

Hey, which Instagram filter takes out all the insecurities?

This could be us… but you playing

Some days I feel like my life is going super well, & then I get my hair caught in my umbrella.

And also my car door.

My favorite thing about teaching high school is when a student turns something in a week late and then emails two hours later because I haven’t graded it yet. It’s great.