Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My daughter wants a smart car for her 16th birthday. She thinks it will do her geometry homework.

Whoever invented popcorn deserves the Medal of Honor for not panicking after the first 45 seconds.

DAMMIT!

-me, trying to put my hand in a fake pocket for the 80th time today

I like to people-watch, but I’m an advanced people-watcher. When I spot another people-watcher, I like to watch them watching other people.

ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.

ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, ma’am.

I get it Bryan Adams. It was the summer of 69, but what year?

HER: do you mind having period sex?

ME: not at all. can we try the Industrial Revolution?

Everyone at this whistling convention looks extremely suspicious.

“You’re beautiful on the inside.”

– Me, to a Twinkie

All this data mining and Facebook still can’t tell me what to get my wife for her birthday.

I was in Australia once and a newscaster said in the cutest accent that a swimmer was “taken” by a shark. I asked if that meant they died and my friend said, “Well yes, but no worries, it happens. Sharks do that.”

And that’s the most Australian thing I’ve ever heard.

pitch: he’s a man who’s a doctor

tv execs: go on

pitch: but he is better than other doctors

tv execs: *nodding enthusiastically*

pitch: because of his Condition

tv execs: *sobbing, screaming, foaming at the mouth* this must be the only kind of show on the air from now on

What do the Quiet Place aliens do when the 17-year cicadas emerge and start screaming?

I use a wheelchair. I love it when people ask me if I know one of their friends in a wheelchair, like we’re all in a secret wheelchair club.

*meeting a medium for the first time*

Medium: There’s a maternal figure coming through. She loves you very much.

Me: Are there dinosaurs in Heaven?

Man arrested at airport after officials discover 35 live birds attached to his clothing as he attempted to smuggle them into the country for singing competitions

Drug Dealer: U have to tell me if ur a cop.

Cop: U have to tell me if ur a dealer.

DD: U sure?

Cop: Ya Im a cop, I know laws Oh damn it.

People who use the lift to go up one floor will be wiped out by natural selection

[face down in a bowl of hot soup]

WAITER: is everything ok?

ME: could I get a spoon or something

Him: do you have a pen?

Me: yes. (walks away)

If a car depreciates as soon as you drive it off the lot then shouldn’t the price go down when you return from a test drive?

I threw away garbage.

In the garbage can.

The day after garbage day.

My husband is horrified with me.

are u even at the cheesecake factory if there isn’t a group of unsupervised 15 year old girls there dressed like they’re going to the met gala

“soooo little update I’m kinda seeing someone..” — me to my psychiatrist about the tall shadowy figure in a bowler hat in the corner of my room

I swear I’m more than a mom. I’m a sweary mom.

My kid—who potentially had an allergic reaction to shrimp last week—just got extremely worried that he couldn’t eat a favorite food anymore, and I got to be the one to share the good news that whipped cream does not normally contain shellfish.

y’all made fun of plankton on spongebob for dating a computer and look at y’all now 💀

“If you could be anyone, living or dead, who…”
Me – “dead”

Me: How bout we head over to my place?
Her: Nope
Me: I have a dog…
Her: Get in I’ll drive