If corporations are people then that’s really gross because we walk inside of them all the time.
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My friend said his dog retrieved a ball he threw over a mile away. I don’t know, that seems pretty far fetched.
We’d like to remind passengers that free in-flight wi-fi is available for purchase immediately after take off
– airlines airlining
If your partner says “if anything happens to me, I want you to meet someone new,” “anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in a traffic jam
My wife never catches me scoping out the hot chick because she’s too busy judging the hot chick.
Dang I didn’t make it to the gym today! That makes 5 years in a row
I wish a notification would pop up when I’m texting a guy and be like “Incorrect use of big vocabulary word. Buy a dictionary, bitch!”
Let’s just say she wasn’t impressed when I picked her up in my go-kart.
[Orange Juice on tinder]
TINDER: “You have a match!
Orange juice: “Oh great!”
TINDER: “It’s toothpaste.”
Orange juice: “Oh no.”
I don’t think people are allowed to complain about a Wonka Experience that sold itself as a day of magical whimsy then delivered uncanny horror beyond comprehension
*adds Doritos to wedding registry*
Was today a good day? No.
BUT
Did I manage to make it through the whole day without running over my own purse with my car?
Also no.
Me: What are you doing in your pajamas still? 3 year old: Eating frosting. Me: Fair enough.
Just saw someone holding a sign that said “Honk 2 impeach Obama”
You’d think the process to impeach a president would be more complicated
kidnapper: we have your son
dad: his fault for staying out all night
kidnapper: we took him from his bedroom
dad: well he probably wasn’t in bed like he shoulda been
kidnapper: he was
dad: on his phone probably
kidnapper: fast asleep
dad: i guarantee you he was faking it
My garden has produced some sick beets, some smashing pumpkins and some red hot chili peppers.
We go on tour in the fall.
I admit I’m not very handy, but there are many other areas in which I also do not excel.
Given the number of tampon’s wrappers in our trash either my wife is searching for the 1 with a Golden Ticket or shit just got real.
Really? Still no Kate? Has anyone even tried yelling Marco?
Me: I picked out a pricy rock I think you’ll like
Her: You mean you’re finally going to propose to me?
M: I was talking about your headstone
freak people out in public restrooms by saying “come in” when they knock on the stall door
Sometimes when I travel I toss a flashlight into my bag and when I open the bag later it’s turned on. So no lightsaber for me thanks.
Social Media and Real life
Come closer…..and let me just rest this pillow on your face.
Did you dream of me, baby?
-Are you a swimming pool full of Lucky Charms & milk?
No, silly.
-Then no.
My son couldn’t find his shoes, so I told him that I hid his allowance in them and it’s amazing how fast he found them.
so we’ve been wondering why our daughter insists on inserting the short end of the bendy straw into the juice carton. today, she explained her reasoning
It will always be this
Store Clerk: Happy holidays
Me (angrily): Merry…CHRISTMAS
Clerk (even angrier): SEASON’S GREETINGS
[we just start choking each other]
Did you know?
Baby kangaroos are called joeys because they are the enforcers for the Marsupial Mafia.
Nostalgia isn’t as good as it used to be.