If corporations are people then that’s really gross because we walk inside of them all the time.
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The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
This day in history. 1924. Franz Kafka died after a surrealistically charged life which should have its own adjective. Kafkastic? Kafkable?
Did you know that Mark Zuckerberg and the guy who played the blue Power Ranger are cousins? Just not to each other. But they are cousins.
My eyes are seared by the blood soaked nightmare of the hellscape before me.
The pungent odor of the wretched, tortured souls burns my lungs.
I struggle to breathe…Me, in the DMV waiting room
mood
let’s play a round of hopscotch 𝕆ℝ 𝔻𝕀𝔼
My daughter asked if she could marry her brother when she got older and I was SO uncomfortable because I was NOT ready to tell her about Alabama yet
Appetizer is the Latin word meaning I’m hungry now and don’t wanna wait for big food
My girlfriend told me to treat her like a princess. So i married her off to a random stranger to strengthen the alliance with France.
[first date]
him: I’m a cat person.
me: [trying to impress]
*bites him when he tries holding my hand
Me: *notices the tooth paste is low and buys a new tube.
Also me: *somehow makes that old tube last three more months.
MMORPG NPCs will be like “My wife was killed by wild boars, help me avenge her!” despite the fact there are like 10,000+ priests and clerics running around who can literally resurrect people at any given time.
bears
Co-worker: I’m in the doghouse with my wife.
Me: What did you do? Stay out too late with the boys?
CW: No, I sent $60,000 in Apple gift cards to someone in Nigeria who said we owed it for the electric bill.
Me: …Oh
[at aquarium]
That’s a lot of octopussys to have in a tank.
“Octopi”
Oh sorry…that’s a lot of octopussys to occupy a tank.
Studies suggest you should get 8 hours of sleep each night…
…18 if you’re obnoxious.
[On the phone]
Friend: I have news. Are you sitting down?
Me [from my wheelchair]: No.
Interviewer: How did you hear about the position?
Me: *sweating profusely* W-with my ears.
The joy you get as a parent when you buy a big pizza and garlic bread to share, but they don’t like it! 😍😍
everyone wants a sensitive girl until she cries because that cloud is beautiful
GIRLFRIEND: I’m breaking up with you.
ME: Is it because in December I dress my pet pig in red and call it Hamta Claus?
HER: Yes. Yes it is.
The man who invented the iPhone battery has died.
His funeral will take plac
her: take off my bra
me: ok
her: take off my panties
me: wow ok
her: stop wearing my clothes
people always love to claim that a celebrity’s death is “unexpected” but they never actually release the data on which celebrities they expected to die that day
disney ceo: live action little mermaid
animator: yep
ceo: it’s in the ocean
animator: got it
ceo: coral reefs
animator: understood
ceo: lots of fish
animator: [nose suddenly bleeding] i don’t- what is.… finsh?
My 3yo just straight-faced handed me a mirror and asked if I wanted to see something yucky!
😬
*2 days before payday*
Me: CLEAR!
Teller: I’m telling you that this is unnecessary
Me: *places defibrillator onto check* I SAID “CLEAR”!