if twitter really is dying, my confession is that i never noticed the comma in that one pride and prejudice quote, so up until recently i always read it as “you have bewitched me body and me soul” in a leprachaun voice and i never understood how people found that romantic
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Me: *establishes dominance by removing the toilet seat*
Wife: Good move, smart guy. What are you gonna do when you have to….
Me: Shit.
tfw you have a meeting with your boss, and you aren’t entirely sure if you quit or if you got fired but you definitely don’t work there anymore
Unfortunately for Jane and Skipper, the hypnotist forgot to bring them out of the trance.
Me: big date tonight. Any advice?
Pal: just be yourself! Pay her a compliment, ask her a question, talk about your interests…[Later]
Me: Hello. I like your teeth. What’s the capital of Venezuela? I enjoy food
Imagine you were a vampire nowhere near the Middle East and don’t know who Jesus is but the day after he dies you gotta figure out why lower case t’s started hurting.
Friend: How many girls did you date before you met your wife?
Me: That was so long ago. Who really rememb-
Wife: Thirty-seven
One job requirement for a substitute bus driver is being able to navigate with directions given by 4th graders.
She: 5 mins babe
He: Ok*discovers a new planet*
*travels to it*
*discovers life*
*returns back*He: Ready?
She: 5 mins babe
I believe we’re entering the ‘training for hell’ phase of summer.
I like to go to death metal shows and throw throat lozenges on the stage, it shows I care.
Why does George Zimmerman keep popping up every 6 months or so? Is he the McRib?
Husband: you might want to start adding an occasional LOL
or I’m kidding
or smiley emoji
or I love you into your texts…so if anything ever happens to me it throws off the investigation.
[my kid, literally every school morning]
“I hate mornings. I’m not getting up”[1st day of summer vacation]
“dad, can we watch the sunrise”
dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a trader joe’s
I accidentally took an extra step when I reached the top of the stairs and now I’m in a marching band.
Imagine the shock of seeing her in RL with her average sized eyeballs and no antlers…
I’m not saying they’re stupid, but certain people I know would use a broom on a fire extinguisher after reading “sweep side to side”
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but it’s time to throw out that tater salad from Thanksgiving
An easy way to tell people you don’t like them is to send them a Christmas card with glitter on it.
Her: Stop being so territorial.
Me: *peeing a circle around her* I have no idea what you mean.
Me: Dyin’ hard or hardly dyin’?
Bruce Willis: How do you keep getting into my house?
March 16
After a pretty wild late night last night, I was awoken at 8am by my neighbor mowing his lawn.
At first I was going to confront him about it but then I thought, whatever. He can just mow around me.
Protip: If your wife says don’t put your oversized grilling spatula and tongs in the dishwasher, just hand wash them, she means right then.
If I was planning a heist, I simply wouldn’t hire the guy who always loses his temper and kills somebody
My teen said my new shoes are dank, so now I need to google what that means and decide if I’m happy or mad.
(Over the Ouija board)
-Wheeere have you plaaaced your hoodiees..
fertility doctor: it’s almost like your sperm are avoiding the egg
stormtrooper: *sighs*
Me: You were supposed to be cleaning up your room before bed.
9: I want a hug
Me: I’ll never say no to hugs, but your timing is very suspicious.