If couples who are in love are called love birds, then really, couples who always fight should be called angry birds!
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“Are you listening?”
“Yes.”
“Are you REALLY listening?”
“I really am.”
“But I mean, are you-”
“I’m not gonna say it, Dave.”
Men’s 3-in-1 soap is for your hair, body, and car.
“I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you and – oh sorry, wrong number.” – Liam Neeson in Mistaken
The downside of having moles on my body is that my wife loves playing Whack-a-Mole.
(People Touring My House 50 Years After I Die)
TOUR GUIDE: And over here we found a second secret room ALSO full of bacon.
I locked myself out of my office twice already today. I guess Mercury definitely in rubbermaid.
A dumpster is a sacred place. I am a bear.
me: if ur soulmate dies before u meet them do u get like a backup soulmate
professor: i meant questions about the midterm
Men come and go, cities rise and fall, whole civilizations appear and disappear but the one thing that remains steadfast is my teens unfailing attitude
That awkward moment when a zombie is looking for brains and he walks right past you…
You: Hold my beer.
Me: *drinks it because I’m not a table*
Zoology should be spelled zooology but science isnt ready for that conversation yet
Lately I do feel like my body and I are in a passive-aggressive fight that’s rapidly escalating.
So it’s okay for the cat to run away and hide under the bed when visitors turn up.
But when I do it, I’m “antisocial”.
I call bullshit.
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because you were able to steal 12 of his hoodies.
No, honey, you aren’t a “hot mess” or a “beautiful disaster”.
You are a psycho with mascara.
Word of the day:
Auspicious – Adjective – Favorable or suggestive of future success.
Not to be confused with awwspicious, an adjective meaning “suspiciously adorable.”
As in, “That corgi with the rusty knife in his mouth is so awwspicious!”
Who remembers when Pixar had blooper reels in movies 🤣
I like my women like I like my coffee. I look at coffee but I am afraid to talk to it
I’m surprised to learn very few people wash their undies in the kitchen sink
Anyhow HR wants to have another “chat”
you never realize how long a minute is until you’re doing cardio.
No self-respecting murderer is going to have the patience to stand there for the twenty or thirty hours it’ll take me to dig my own grave.
[wedding]
“Anyone know why these two should not be joined in marriage?”
ME: *from back* THEY’RE DOING A CASH BAR
*priest drops bible*
I’m sick of these libs telling me I can’t say “Happy Honda Days” because I might offend someone who celebrates Toyotathon. So, I guess I’m supposed to wish everyone a “Happy Winter Car Sale”?
On the list of things I fear the most, “death” comes in as a close second to “audience participation”
look, a three-day weekend once a month is all i ask. the rest can be four-day weekends
Milk prices could reach as high as $8/gallon soon & at those prices I’m giving everyone the OK to cry if you spill some.
For some reason, whenever anyone in my house gets a Lush bath bomb we all stand ceremoniously around the tub and quietly watch it dissolve. Today, a minute into colourful bubbling, my 11yo turns to me and whispers, “what the hell are we doing?”
Running with my dog, holding his poop in a small, lavender scented, biodegradable bag like the top-of-the-food-chain creature that I am.