If couples who are in love are called love birds, then really, couples who always fight should be called angry birds!
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Stuffed animals are strange like an actual tiger will tear you to pieces but here ya go kid, sweet dreams.
The other day I walked past a neighbor’s house and the parrot on their porch whistled at me.
If I were a therapist, I would prescribe this to everyone with depression, every day, forever.
BRB gonna walk past my neighbor’s house
REAL LIFE JUNGLE BOOK
Chapter 1, Page 1:So Mowgli gets straight up eaten, like, right the heck away.
My new boss just described me as “dramatic but not problematic” and I’ve never felt more understood in my life
My wife just told me 11 more things I do wrong after she said she wasn’t talking to me anymore.
SON: mommy I’m scared of the bogeyman
ME: there is no bogeyman honey
SON: he’s not real?
ME: oh he’s very real. but I hunted him down years ago
SON:
ME: there was so much blood
SON:
ME: [whispers] his head is in the basement freezer
Starbucks says it will close 150 stores next year.
And that’s just in one mall.
My toxic trait is that if you see me naked, that girl from the ring murders you in 7 days
My baby: Blabalaba! Bolababa!
Me: Yeah, that’s a fair point – I guess it’s really a personal choice, not a matter of figuring out one best practice for everyone. Thanks for talking this out with me.
Calling them “tricks” undermines everything I’m trying to do with the yo-yo.
when wolves raise a human child no one cares, but when i raise a wolf as my child and send it to elementary school everyone freaks out
I miss this era type of pranks😭
Me: I hate it when people make me wait.
Chef: Just do your job and take this to the table.
If the FBI want to get into an iPhone w/o users permission, they should ask someone who’s done it before, like U2
“I liked small butts. I was lying.” – Sir Mix-A-Lot’s teary deathbed confession
Dungeons and Dragons is popular because it appeals to the human fantasy of having a group of friends who can come over at a regular time
What if all those coins you keep finding in your couch is rent money from the spiders living in your house?
5yo: Why is he crying?
Me: That’s a teardrop tattoo.
5: Oh. Did he shank someone in prison?
M: What?
5: Remind him I want extra guacamole.
Not knowing the words to a song sure as hell doesn’t stop me from making random noises in an attempt to sing along anyway
TV COMMERCIAL: are you suffering from
ME: yes
When your kids embarrass you in public, the only viable course of action is to turn away in disgust, muttering “who raised you?!” just loudly enough for everyone to hear
1,000 years after civilization falls alien archeologists will discover a single cell from the animating of sponge bob and assume that’s what life was like. So we have that going for us
director: ok, hit the lights
me: *slaps a lamp*
director: no i meant kill the lights
me: *pulls out a gun*
Friday the 13th is still better than Monday the 16th.
Me: I ate all the chips.
Wife: What!? For the boys’ lunches!? Well, at least we still have cheeze its.
Me: You’re not going to believe this
The little Tabasco bottle waits patiently as you flirt with artisanal overpriced hot sauces, confident that you’ll always come home.
My therapist is so lucky. I’m like a Netflix Original that pays her to watch.
IKEA employees are just the souls of previous shoppers that couldn’t find the exit