Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My friend’s kid just asked the server for ballsack vinegar and now he’s my favorite person.

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?

Me: Because you like me

Cop: omg shut up I do not

Never considered this before, but I might be a “local woman”

Parenting tip: Unplug the microwave before dropping acid because you’ll inevitably put the baby in there for safe keeping.

4 out of 5 dentists recommend Trident sugarless gum. The 5th dentist is busy butchering protected wildlife.

genie: [unloading my dishwasher] this is ridiculous

If someone asks us why we didn’t have kids I ask them how many people they’ve had sex with, and when the awkward silence hits it’s peak I’ll ask if I’m playing the none of your business game correctly.

[9 PM, Sunday night]

Child: Oh. I need to bring in 36 cupcakes to school tomorrow.

REP: we are pleased to provide u with the highest level of customer service!

ME: oh sorry, got the wrong number. was tryin to call comcast

I had been watching a tv series with the subtitles on & when it got to The Big Dramatic Lovemaking Scene after a whole lot of episodes & the 2 main characters FINALLY began to kiss, the subtitle said “smooches.” I laughed so hard I nearly fell out of my chair.

mary: excuse me, waiter? i asked you to stop bringing him juice

waiter: we did, we’ve only given him water

10 year old jesus: *winks at camera*

My trainer says not to drink beer bc it makes you fat.

So tonight I’ve had a six pack of red wine.

Coworker: Are you into heavy metal?

Me: Uranium is OK I guess.

C:

M:

C:

M:

C: I like Metallica.

That’s not even on the periodic table

*combines 2% and 1% to create 3% milk*

my babysitter let my kid make 11 milkshakes and now there are an absurd amount of boys in the yard. You better believe I’ll have my wife say something.

Knees weak arms are heavy he has osteoporosis already, he’s only twenty.

Happy Earth Day. You don’t look a day over 4,400,000,000 and get hotter every year.

If you are gonna do conspiracy theories go big or go home.

The average Apple employee works 6 hours longer a day than an Apple battery.

him: *dying* avenge me

[later]

widow: ok who put him in the thor costume

Marriage,
Or as I like to call it;
The wonder years

Wonder why she is mad this time
Wonder why my stuff is on the lawn

My husband said “I wondered where you were,” as if I ever moved more than two feet from the buffet table.

[Family Feud]
What’s your answer?!
*whispers into microphone*
Please help me, I don’t even know these people

Drove a wedge of suspicion today between the fast food employee at the first window and the one at the second.

“you’re the first girl i’ve brought here”

the bartender:

Me: I found this in the fridge with your name on it. Are you gonna eat it?
CW: That’s my stapler
Me: You didn’t answer my question

Haha, all I’m saying is there’s no need to put a little umbrella in my drink… It’s already wet.

“Cool.” was my spouse’s text reply to me getting our Pearl Jam tickets today.

So anyway, after I bury the body in the back yard, I have an extra ticket if someone wants to go.

God making man in his image was the original selfie

The pen is writier than the sword.