If courage is buying an entire tub of ice cream and immediately throwing out the lid, then yes I am definitely brave.
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me: are you guys going to publish my book on negotiating
publisher: no
me: ok
The Office: Coronavirus
Michael ignores the “work from home” memo because he thinks that everyone should be together at a time like this
Dwight acts completely normal & claims genetic immunity
Angela wears a hazmat suit
Kevin says that he’s had it for weeks & feels fine
Mondays aren’t too bad if you remember one thing: Use short bursts —flamethrowers don’t hold much fuel.
I just received a bottle of wine that was regifted 3 times before it cycled back to me.
So, basically, I bought myself a bottle of wine.
My husband just walked in on me drinking cake batter from the mixing bowl and had absolutely no reaction. He’s my soulmate.
BRONTOSAURUS: Why don’t you wear that sweater I bought you?
T. REX: I don’t think I could pull it off
It’s bullshit that you can accidentally make a baby, but not something awesome like a soufflé.
Stop telling people to cut toxic relationships out of their lives! I’m starting to run out of friends you guys.
My first day working as a consultant at Microsoft! All going extremely well apart from tripping over a cable. 99% sure I plugged it back in the right socket.
“Hi, I’m here for Paradox Club.”
-Actually this is Oxymoron Club.
“Ok, same difference.”
*looks at group*
-Oh, this guy is good.
Yup!
“Do you believe in evolution?”
“No”
“Global warming?”
“No”
“Racial Equality?”
“No”
“Then what makes The West superior?
“Science! Logic!”
Wife: “Do you want to watch Batman Forever?”
Me: “I’ll watch it for a couple of hours.”
Wife: “I hate you.”
Your time is priceless, here’s an hourly rate
Returning to the office, after working from home for 18 months, and all I worried about was would I have enough snacks to get me through the day
I have no tolerance for people who refuse to give different voices to characters in a book they’re reading to their kid.
Given the amount of clowns around here you’d think it would be more entertaining
My organization style can be best described as “just don’t look in that room.”
I’ve been on my best behavior ever since the words “you can be charged as an adult” applied to me
PSA:
Drunks will undercook grilled chicken every single time.
Friends don’t let friends get drunk and grill chicken.
“Let’s play 21 questions”
Nigerian Girl: how tall are you?
Nigerian Guy: Rice. What’s the worst thing you’ve done with a guy?
Today, a man looked me right in the face & said “You’re not hot!”
Actually it was a cop &he said “Here’s your ticket. Have a nice evening.”
Girl you got more red flags than a well played game of minesweeper
A cashier was giving me my change and said “have a good…” then looked at my face and said “…sleep.” This seriously just happened
Sometimes I look at my children and think “What did I do to deserve this?”
And other times I think “What did I do to deserve this?”
Getting to watch kids discover “firsts” is really amazing, like when the 3yo announced his toy was doing a handstand with his feet
*locks hands with stranger in elevator*
im nervous, this is my first time flying
DO NOT show up to my place unannounced, I will literally stare at you from the window until nightfall, I don’t give a shit.
[Spills wine]
“My medicine!!”