If courage is buying an entire tub of ice cream and immediately throwing out the lid, then yes I am definitely brave.
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Mortal Kombat was inspired by parents who co-sleep with their children
Marriage is seeing your spouse happy, and wondering if it’s because they’re fantasizing your death.
Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.
The Purge, but instead of 24 hrs of killing whoever we want, we get to tell our friends that we really think the person they’re dating is trash without consequences.
“I think I stepped in some upchuck”
What’s up, Chuck?
“Not much, but my name’s not Chuck”
*vomits*
The best essential oil is melted butter hands down.
As a kid I only had the box of 8, but now that I’m an adult I can afford to eat an entire 64-count box of crayons.
The first person to see a sunset was probably like well this ain’t good.
Cop: Are you drunk or high on drugs? Me: No officer. Cop: Your pupils are dilated. Me: (Paranoid) WHA!, how’d you know I teach fat kids?!
To keep people on their toes, when offered food at an event, I ask “Are there bees in this?”
Back from the dentist, my teeth are now the most expensive things I own.
hikers: a yeti oh my god don’t eat us ahhh!
adorable snowman: rawr
hikers: awwww
*starts eating them*
hikers: AWWWW
If you are trading Cephalopods, it’s important that you exchange those that are of equal size and value.
You know….
Squid Pro Quo
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow- you didn’t waste any time, did you Becky
Now that we’ve mastered induction cooking, can someone invent a coffee cup that stays cool in the microwave?
[showing date a picture] that’s me and my brother at summer camp [showing a pic of me holding a big fish] and that’s us after his accident
Interviewer: have you ever made, eaten or even seen a sandwich?
Dude: no
Interviewer: you’re hired welcome to Subway
friend: how’d you learn to speak dolphin?
me: with ease
Every news show is like “are you actually seeing what you’re seeing? We’ll ask an expert and a liar!”
Jesus: so just a dinner with the boys?
Judas:
They say olive oil is really healthy and you should put it on everything, but it makes my cat look like an otter.
I assume anyone sitting alone in a car in the dark corner of a grocery store parking lot is waiting to meet a hitman who is running late.
I took my dog to see “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it. Which surprised me because he hated the book…
*gets neck cracked by Chiropractor*
Hey I didn’t know our necks turned like an Owls
Fun fact: Through late fees, I alone kept Blockbuster going from 2003-2005.
Any wedding can be a fairy tale wedding if you serve porridge and release three angry bears into the reception hall
Whenever a guy peeps into my phone, I open the front cam and take a selfie with him.
[movie date]
me: i snuck in some snacks
date: omg !!!!!
me: *holding ramen noodles* do u have any boiling water
Welcome to Condescending Club. Even an idiot would know the 1st rule. If not, you want paaaatronizing club. You know what that is, riiiight?
urns are so stupid. when I die, I want my ashes on display in a mini aquarium