Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Don’t cry because it’s over smile because you had a solid alibi & no one will ever find the body.

IT: I’m hanging up

Me: is it because I called it my lappy tappy

IT: *dial tone*

Me: Would you bring me the mattress cover off your bed?

Son: *looks puzzled* The what?

Me: The mattress cover. The quilted looking sheet.

Son:

Me: The final boss sheet at the bottom.

Son: Oh that.

Predator taking off his mask, but it’s me removing the filters from my selfies.

Google just alerted me to light traffic in my area which is odd because I’m in the bathtub.

Me: Let’s go outside & make love in the rain.

Her: What if there’s lightning?

Me: Then you get to be on top…

Aladdin’s love for carpet rides must have saved Jasmine thousands of dollars in waxing fees and razors.

Uber Eats:
Food
Tip
Sales tax
Service tax
Gas tax
Just because tax
What are you gonna do about it tax

If my toddler doesn’t stay in bed this time, he’s watching Game of Thrones. I don’t even care that he hasn’t seen the first season yet.

Me: I’ve been having a lot of stomach pain.

Doc: You’re allergic to tomatoes.

Me: Oh wow so it’s a mystery then huh.

Doc: Stop eating pizza.

Me: I guess science just doesn’t have all the answers. It’s in god’s hands.

*Ubers to my parking spot at Costco*

I’m cat sitting for my daughter, and she sent me three pages of instructions, along with a video tutorial. Anyways, what’s a cat? She never specified that part.

Any dogs trainers on this app? How do I train my dog to make margaritas?

So let me get this straight. A dude comes back to life after three days and no one cuts his head off?

Toddler: *listening to song*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *takes a nap*

Me: FINALLY! A break from that —

Brain: I’ll take it from here.

I didn’t come here to be called names

[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well…u know that shop where u saw that ring you love
W: OMG YES
M: I’m catching Pokemon near there

Peter Jackson just found a postcard JRR Tolkien wrote his nephew in 1938. He’s turning it into 22 nine-hour films.

“Can you cook dinner tonight?”

Can’t. New meds say I can’t operate any heavy machinery and that stove doesn’t look light

BRAIN: it’s 4am u up?
ME: leave me alone
B: who was our grade 5 teacher?
M: stop
B: why’s our eye itchy?
M: I’m ignoring u
B: engage bladder

Air conditioning – not a fan

Me: What do you need to watch out for while trick-or-treating?

Kids: Cars

Me: And…

Kids: Wine moms

me: we should get some flowers for our new apartment

gf: orchids

me: whoa we should get married first

If I can hear you chew, I have fantasized about your death.

Look Mr. Wendy’s, I ordered a chicken club and you gave me a stupid sandwich. I have a car full of chickens on ecstasy here. Help me out.

8yo: Can you just say nothing?

3yo: Nothing

8yo: No, just say nothing

3yo: Nothing!

8yo: No, can you just be silent?

3yo:

3yo: NOTHING!

If your surname is Rice and you don’t name your kid, Fried then I can never be friends with you.

Me- We are here for some new pants for you. Please go and find a pair that you like and will wear
11- Ok
Me- *Waiting*
11- *Searches entire clothing section, returns and hands me a hat

You can pronounce it “Nude Jersey” and no one will know

Me: *leaning into him* I wanna do things to you that are illegal in 50 states

Him: yeah?

*steals his car*