Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve been eating this memory foam for weeks now and I can’t even remember why I’m still eating memory foam

things i’ve picked my teeth with:

– pen lid
– unfolded staple
– aggressive licking
– a blade of grass

things i’ve never picked my teeth with:

– toothpick

I’m closing my pizza parlor. The Board of Health revoked my slicense.

I’m not saying it’s hard for me to lose weight, I’m just saying if you interrupt me when I’m eating I’m starting over.

I don’t cry when I cut onions because I have this little thing called composure.

John: Yesterday…

Paul: All my troubles seemed so far away

George: But now it looks…

Ringo: Waterslides hurt if they aren’t wet enough

“You’re so funny!”

Thanks, I didn’t get laid in high school.🤘

*THE BIRTH OF PHILOSOPHY*

THAG: How can CAVE be a thing when CAVE is by definition absence of rock?

THURG: *gnawing dinosaur leg* Haha Thag never find mate.

Things books give you unrealistic expectations for:
-mysteriously inheriting from a stranger
-solving murders with zero actual training
-anything romantic ever

My husband surprised me by inviting his new boss and wife for dinner so I surprised them with an icebreaker of mocktails and Cards Against Humanity

me: *chopping onions*

wife: shouldn’t you use a knife?

me: i took karate lessons for a reason, linda

guy inventing chess: this is an allegory for the medieval system of monarchy

guy inventing checkers: hoppity hop, hop hop hop

me: [waiting in line at the bank]
other bank robber: “keith just go to the front”

When I need a dose of logic and rational thinking I turn to my dog who has to this day never cut her own bangs.

“Here comes Paul. We better turn red, fast!”

– every stoplight

60% of parenting is making grand plans to do something special with your kids and then hoping they forget about them so you don’t have to go.

Dr: Do you limit your alcohol intake?
Me: Yes. As soon as I pass out, I’m done.

FRIEND: it’s all about picking your battles

[later]

WIFE: i can’t believe you ju-

ME: *holds up hand* i choose gettysburg

The Willy Wonka grandparents were connected under the covers, like a rat king.

🤣😂🤣😂🤣

ME: Man, I really should get glasses. I’m blind as a–
BAT NEXT TO ME: blind as a what
ME: um
BAT: as a what
ME:
BAT: say it

What do you mean I didn’t bring anything into this relationship? The washer and dryer were mine

KATY PERRY: Can I use a real tiger?
NFL: No way, that would be dumb.
KATY PERRY: Oh I’ll show you dumb.

MOM: Would you like some spaghetti before your big rap battle, sweetie?

EMINEM: That sounds wonderful, thanks Mom

I hate when people text me: “Call me.”
I’m gonna start calling people and when they answer, I’m gonna say: “Text me” And then hang up.

daughter: can i keep the night light on?

me: and provide the monsters with a beacon to your location? use your head, sweetie

My therapist said to choose a “calming” word to keep repeating to myself when I’m angry. I chose “Stabbing”.
We’ll see if it helps.

<thud>

*shoe lands on sidewalk
*picks up shoe
*sees it’s my size
*looks up
*sees man stuck in tree
*sits
*waits for the other shoe to drop

Thanks Facebook for letting me know Bobby from kindergarten and Bobby’s two hacked accounts all have birthdays today