Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

They say it takes 10,000 hours to become an expert at something. Please. You wanna know expertise? I’ve spent over 300,000 hrs being a moron

Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year. For Christmas can I get zero emails from the PTA, and just one a day from the school?

[drive thru]
GUY ON INTERCOM: can I help you
ME: yeah are you guys open

We need less flight attendants and more Costco sample ladies on airplanes.

*writing a new season for Game of Thrones* okay now let’s do a silly one

The 70’s were tough. My dad would kick my ass if I died from a peanut allergy.

*sees lost cat*
Hey buddy you lost
*reads tag*
there’s a phone number
*dials number*
*little cell phone in cats pocket starts ringing*

Cult Leader: Our god must be appeased

Me: Maybe he’d like to be acarroted instead

Cult Leader: …

Wife: Omg I can’t take you anywhere

universe: you deserve a break

me: wow thanks

universe: *winks*

me: *tumbles down the stairs*

Aw, crap. My airbnb has one of those cellars with a man locked in a cage who claims he’s just a normal man who was kidnapped but the property owner says he’s actually the devil in human disguise and if I let him out, his evil will end the world.
AND the wifi is spotty. Christ.

[sees annoying coworker at store]

Him: Hey, what’s new?

Me: [gets right up in his face] Stuart, EVERYTHING in here is new.

I don’t buy tupperware containers, I steal them from my parent’s house like an adult

Okay hear me out. A morning after pill. But for calories from a heavy dinner.

carving our initials in a hotdog before it’s boiled

“just sayin” who asked you though?

[Date]

Me: You’re a scientist?
Him: Yeah
M: You like chemistry?
H:
M: Wanna get in my genes?
H:
M: *slow winks*
H: Are you having a stroke?

Nobody learns to parkour faster than a parent chasing a toddler with a sharpie

When I got my new jacket ,they said it was reversible. I tried it both ways ,but I had a hard time working the zipper behind my back

me: I heard this cemetery was haunted

caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything

Me: how many bears do you think we could fight as a family
Wife: none you idiot
Me: oh
*growling from closet*
Wife: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE??

4 YO: Mom, Can you help me open this?

Me: Yeah, in a minute

4 YO: Ok. Alexa, set a one minute timer

Reminds me of the old Steven Wright joke about a baby with a diary. “Day 1: Still tired from the move. Day 2: Everybody talks to me like I’m an idiot”

Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off

so we have ice (water) hockey, field (earth) hockey, and air/table (air) hockey…. folks I believe it is time for fire hockey

Han: Leave us alone, you fat slug!

Jabba: *speaks Huttese*

C-3PO: The mighty Jabbs says your words are hurtful. He has a thyroid problem.

When you hire me, I should be able to make HR click an “I agree to the terms and conditions” button like installing software updates. A month later, they ask why I didn’t show up to work on Monday and I laugh and say “Looks like somebody didn’t read page 147.”

today, on father’s day, i’m thinking about how my dad escaped three wars and worked as a janitor only to see his bloodline die out bc his son discovered menswear forums and spent the next 20 years arguing about pants

Maybe it’s time for a second child. The first one isn’t getting as many likes on Facebook now.

no officer these drugs aren’t mine i stole them

FBI Agent: We heard you were involved in an alien abduction

Me: I swear, I was not abducted

From basement: *inhuman screeches*

Agent: What was that

Me: My excessively human child