Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

superman villains:

darkseid – galactic conqueror
doomsday – indestructible killing machine

batman villains:

the joker – tells little jokes
the riddler – poses little riddles
the penguin – is a penguin

Is it socially acceptable to aim a leaf blower directly into the mouth of someone annoying you?

I bet jellyfish are sad that there are no peanut butter fish.

No YOU’VE been drinking.

Makes 3 gallons of cranberry sauce so my family can eat 2 teaspoons each.

STEPHEN KING WRITING ABOUT LIVING IN NEW ENGLAND: The old man who ran the town dump communed with darkness. He kept a Hand of Glory in a 1982 Boston Bruins mug. Crows and bats were his to command.

ME AFTER MOVING TO NEW ENGLAND: Jesus, I used to think Stephen King made shit up.

Anyone can recommend a good Hobbit movie?

Welcome to Condescending Club. Even an idiot would know the 1st rule. If not, you want paaaatronizing club. You know what that is, riiiight?

Both hands Mommy!

-my 4yo the backseat driver.

It has come to my attention that I may be the only person in the world that keeps gloves in my glove box.

Nature’s first bud, spring is in bloom

The “eye for an eye” philosophy isn’t exactly a level playing field if your grievance is with a cyclops.

abandoning Dry January after I learned that January is 31 days and not seven hours

if a beer is 8 bucks it’s a show
if a beer is 14 bucks it’s a concert

Well I guess someone had to be the cautionary tale. You’re welcome, everyone.

I was going to do some yoga today, but had a donut instead

Shenanigans are the females of the nanigan species.

me: I’d like to represent myself

judge: ok

me: *wearing mustache* my client is guilty

me: *removing mustache* wait what

R.I.P.

Had a dream that someone was gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper. Woke up to find my cat gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper.

if you have ‘on that grind’, or ‘never stop grinding’ in your bio I am assuming that you are a sausage maker and i will have a dozen mild italian.

It’s my son’s birthday this week; so we’ve been doing whatever he wants since he was born.

When I said I was a “first responder” I meant that I am quick to send the thumbs up emoji in the family text thread.

I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats

I like when new parents tell you “he calls his one set of grandparents grandma and grandpa and the other grong grong and poodeepie.”

My mom told me never to steal kitchen utensils.

But, it’s a whisk I’m willing to take.

If you watch Scooby-Doo backwards its about some kids helping a business owner enter a costume contest then minding their own business.

Every surgery is exploratory if you’re confused enough

a rock fell out my pocket and i crouched down to find it and a bunch of people helped like i lost a contact. had to pretend it wasn’t a rock

Lady you have taken “hot mess” to a whole new level, you’re more a scorching havoc really

When I had no money, I had few friends, but no enemies

Btw, I still have no money, in case you were thinking of becoming my friend or enemy