If da Vinci were alive today, the “Mona Lisa” would have been called “IMG-20121020-00463.jpg”
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[After Sex]
Him: how was it for you?
Shakira’s hips: well…
we’re gonna need another temp
I told my therapist I was upset she raised her rates again and she said that while I can’t control the situation, I can do something to control my reaction.
My son came home for spring break with all clean clothes and doesn’t need me to do his laundry and I am just so very, very confused.
Me: Could you tell me where the fitness center is located?
Flight attendant: Please return to your seat.
My wife complains when mosquitoes get into the house, but she gets super mad when I release bats in the living room. Make up your mind, woman!
#SomethingYouDontWantToHear
Oops. The surgery went well but…..
I am “I have to go to bed because my back hurts from sitting on the couch” years old.
You can tell how single I am by the way my cat and dog wear their sombreros with quiet dignity and acceptance.
[walking out of bathroom]
me: oh boy, do NOT go in there
*guy walks in anyway*
*comes out screaming*
me: ya it’s like super haunted
♫Whip me up, Before you Nae Nae
Don’t leave me hanging on like a Bae Bae♫
My mother, who has never drank or done any drug, is in Amsterdam. So, watch out, Netherlands, someone’s about to respectfully tour the crap out of your windmills.
A woman on the subway asked if anyone wanted to turn their life over to Jesus Christ today. She seems nice but if you don’t believe in God, I don’t think the New York City public transportation experience is going to convince you.
My wife left me for a fisherman.
Poor guy’s still reeling.
ESPN was showing the 1997 spelling bee smh, like a spelling bee is even a sprot.
“Let’s go over this one more time.”
“I know what-”
“ONE MORE TIME.”
“Fine.”
“What is it you’re looking for?”
“A garbage bag.”
“In which room?”
“The kitchen.”
“What do you do when you find it?”
“Bring it to you here.”
“I’m counting on you, Tim.”
I love this time of year because I can leave my husband at home with the kids & say I’m going Christmas shopping when really I’m just out driving around in my car to get some peace & quiet.
My dog, every day, brings out a shoe, a shoe of mine in my current shoe rotation, and won’t let it go until I give her a bully stick. It’s extortion!
Eucalyptus are the only plants named after what they would say if pruned
Toddler: we watch peed her pants
Me: you peed your pants?
Toddler: no PEED HER PANTS
Me: who peed her pants!?
Toddler: we watch PEED HER PANTS!!!
Me: Peter Pan?
Toddler: ya peed her pants
Kill me once, shame on you. That’s pretty much it.
Show her how romantic you are by sprinkling body parts in a trail leading to the bed.
Kylo Ren: I will finish what you started
Me (running relay race): dude just take the baton
saying “james?” to my mom when i open her car door so people think it’s an uber
Dog (curled up, napping): I never poop on the carpet and I love cats.
Wife: Is the dog talking in its sleep?
“Shhh let sleeping dogs lie.”
My kids ask the dumbest questions in the car like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.
i hired way too many actors for my movie about weather. it was overcast, is what im saying
Magician: an ordinary deck of cards right?
Guy in front row: that’s a ham.
Magician: [whispers to assistant] get eagle eyes out of here.
to discover what’s going on with justin bieber we caught up with his manager scooter braun, who is named after two different types of razors
Sci-Fi Author: In my book I invented the Torment Nexus as a cautionary tale
Tech Company: At long last, we have created the Torment Nexus from classic sci-fi novel Don’t Create The Torment Nexus