If da Vinci were alive today, the “Mona Lisa” would have been called “IMG-20121020-00463.jpg”
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My son was loudly barking like a dog in the other room and I told my husband to go take care of it and now there’s 2 people loudly barking like dogs.
I’d like to thank the people who buy the gift bags. Because of you, I have never had to buy a gift bag. Thank you, from the bottom of my large gift bag filled with smaller gift bags.
Mom Math:
If Child A has 2 scoops of ice cream in his bowl, and child B has 1 3/4 scoops, how many days will Mom have to hear about it?
I love giving a little kid the tongue, and then watching him run to his mother holding the severed tongue I just gave him.
*getting undressed in front of someone for the first time*
sorry i look like this, i honestly didn’t think i was ever gonna do this again
*grammar police reads ransom note*
“Bring the money hear in too days, or she dead”
*grammar cop dies*
“Damn, he had 2 days until retirement”
That moment when Exam Invigilator looks at your answer sheet and address whole class
“Students, please make sure that you are reading the questions carefully”
Yesterday, myself, Miss 9 and husband were sat on a train in and around a man with a book entitled Surrounded by Idiots.
Best table by far
[at quick clinic]
Nurse: (sarcastically) Is it okay if I check your temperature?
Me: Come on, I can’t be the only person that’s refused to be weighed.
i love when dog owners are like “our dog is very food-motivated!” like yeah. it’s a dog
*hands out cups of all purpose flour to marathon runners*
If you pretend you’re skimming you can straight up throw rocks at people.
I changed my relationship status to “I’m sharpening my knives” on Facebook so my boyfriend’s family will never come visit
“People who shed hair should clean up their hair”
14yo horrified, cleaning bathrooms for the first time in his life.
Can’t afford rent so I started living in the moment.
The guy with the worst grades should get to give a graduation speech too. Let me hear both sides
Imagining a reverse Beauty & The Beast where a witch punishes a guy by turning all of his perfectly good household appliances into human beings
360-degree action cams finally finding a valid use case
Own pets. That way no one will ever know who made that terrible smell
Sir. Your burrito is $5.97. With guacamole, your total comes to $386,932.32
I was on the phone with my parents and I brought up how I’m parenting differently than they did, so they became defensive saying “Well, look how well you turned out” and I heard my wife laughing all the way from Target.
He may not be a 10 but he covers his food when he puts it in the microwave
Me: *wolf whistles*
Son: What’re the trailers for?
Farmer: Goin’ to market.
S: Why 3 of ’em?
F: One carries cows, one hauls pigs.
S: That one?
F: Totes m’goats.
I’m writing code, not making diamonds. Continuing to apply more and more pressure will not produce a better outcome.
Me: Do you ever have one of those days where you just want to stay in the shower?
All other inmates (in unison): No.
Headline: Oscars stars hit the red carpet
Red carpet: I’m so bruised.
There are four golden girls and four teenage mutant ninja turtles but ask yourself, why have we never seen them all together in the same place?
If I were rich, I’d have big soft monogrammed towels for when I bathe at the gas station.