Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

god I wish I was the person I believed I could be when I bought all this produce

she is beauty, she is grace
she crams french fries in her face

A cute bank teller told me he wanted to make love to me in the vault. He’s kinky, but at least he’s into safe sex.

I’m haunted by unanswered questions, like after the clock struck one and the mouse ran down, what happened next

how it started vs how it ended

It should’ve been a red flag when my ex told me that he got his futon mattress/bed out of a dumpster, but then I married him for 20 years.

My favorite part of the holiday party is getting to meet my coworkers’ dates & find out who chooses to put up with these people for free.

Putting a carrot next to you in bed can almost fill the space where Megan used to slep

*scrolls through Facebook on Mother’s Day*

me: EVERY SINGLE MOTHER CANNOT BE THE BEST MOTHER EVER. THAT’S NOT STATISTICALLY POSSIBLE. BESIDES, MY MOM IS.

[haunted house]

FRIEND: you scared???
ME: not because of this haunted house, but yes

Cops said my blood alcohol level was above the legal limit which is crazy because I don’t even drink blood alcohol.

[Speed dating]

HER: I’m really into astronomy

ME: the moon follows me when I drive

I highly suggest that you do not google that term.

BT: “You’ve been prequalified for a low interest credit card!”
BR: “pass”

BT: “Would you be interested in refinancing a loan?”
BR: “No thanks.”

Bank Teller: “What color lollipop would you like today?”
Bank Robber: “JUST PUT THE MONEY IN THE BAG!”

Oh, you’re a politician? Name all the politics

*goes to church

I need all this water turned into wine. Thanks.

Those American Pickers guys drove all over the country looking for antiques when they could have just bought stuff new and then waited.

Am I in my mid 30s? Yes.
Will I ever stop ending professional phone calls with “bye-bye”? NO.

Disney say they’re going to make Mickey Mouse’s hands smaller for “realism”.

Well, not on my watch.

My cat has a legal name but she prefers to go by her pet name.

eating cereal in the shower isn’t saving me as much time as i thought.

Crying is a sign of leakness.

*picks up the bagel again*
sorry i gotta take this one
*leaves office & talks on the bagel for 15 minutes solid*

[SPELLING BEE]
“Your word is HOTELIER”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“I bet my hotel is hotelier than yours”

I like ordering delivery pizza from two different locations as a race. I prize myself as the winner with two pizzas.

I hate when my therapist “makes a note” because I know that means she’s gonna try and circle back … but she wildly underestimates my filibuster skills.

once I asked my parents if they had any ghost stories, and my mom was like “well, we used to live in a farmhouse with a faucet that always leaked.” and then my dad said “one time I saw the devil”

You’re doing a great job looking at your phone

A woman rammed her grocery cart into mine and didn’t apologize, so I followed her around the store and took things out of her cart when she wasn’t looking.

excuse me