If Dave Grohl cheated on his own wife? He could cheat on anybody..
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I bet da Vinci told Mona Lisa to smile more and that’s why he’s dead now.
can’t now..
having an heated argument with my toaster.
‘Let’s just agree to disagree.’
-Me, saying grace at the dinner table.
Hang in there, you can do it.
-Canadian bathroom graffiti
Boss: How were your weekends?
Steve: I coached my son’s soccer team
Alice: I helped friends move and volunteered at an animal shelter
Me: I dreamed my clothes were made of peanut butter and jelly
Back off. I’ve got enough to deal with today without having to make your death look like an accident.
invention of lasagna: what if pasta was a book
HIM: the first rule of fight club is never talk about fight club
ME: but we’re talking about it now
HIM: I mean like to your friends
ME: were not friends?
HIM: I mean kinda but-
ME: *crying* this hurts worse than getting punched
when you kill a mosquito someone else’s blood is probably on your hands.
Dolphins kill more people than sharks. The difference is that dolphins know how to hide a body.
waiter: bread for the table?
me: ok fair swap (walks away with basket of bread)
That awkward moment when I give a guy a fake phone number and he tries to call it in front of me.. #OhShiiiit
*experiencing the extremely obvious consequences of my actions*
The universe is so mysterious
I didn’t realize 80% of song lyrics were inappropriate until I had to listen to them in the car with my kids.
If salons offered free wine with a wax, Twitter moms wouldn’t have any hair at all.
“My dog’s learning to speak a foreign language.”
“Español?”
“No, he’s a labrador.”
I don’t mean to brag but I’m a lot more trouble than I’m worth.
[getting pulled over]
me: *chewing pizza* what’s the problem officer?
cop: it isn’t safe to eat and drive
me: oh I’m sorry
cop: I’ll let you off with a warning
me: thank you so mu- *pineapple chunks fall out of my mouth*
cop: *hand on gun* STEP OUT OF THE VEHICLE
Son: Dad?
Me: Yeah?
S: Do you have a plan for the ‘Zombie Apocalypse’?
M: Sure do.
S: What is it?
M: To run faster than you & your sister.
Marriage is alright if you like someone coming home and telling you about their day in the middle of your movie
I always draw track marks on my arms and cough a lot when visiting family so that no one asks me to hold their baby or help prepare food.
Giraffe: That’s the most disgusting thing I’ve ever seen!
[5 min later]
*vomits*
I put out peanuts for the birds every morning and they have started bringing me elastic bands. I don’t speak bird, what could this mean, and do I have to eat the elastic bands now?
When people say let’s stop fighting and act like a family, that’s where I get confused.
“Church of England Formally Approves Female Bishops”. Congratulations British women! You can now move diagonally!
White, black, brown, yellow, man, woman, transgender, gay, straight, Christian, Muslim, young, old, ALL of you will taste the same to the zombies.
i asked my 4 yr old niece if she wanted a baby brother or sister and she replied she just wanted pizza rolls
Angel: oh look, the humans are doing another sacrifice for you
God: [sitting in a sea of goats] it’s not another goat is it
My friend’s company gave harmonica keychains to the kids at the family holiday party because they apparently want their employees to hate being at home more than they hate being at work.
Coworker: The thing that sucks about vacation is dreading going back to work
Me: Oh I don’t need vacation to feel that way