If Dave Grohl cheated on his own wife? He could cheat on anybody..
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Don’t ask God to cure cancer & world poverty. He’s too busy finding you a parking space & fixing the weather for your barbecue.
A coven of witches with grandkids who call themselves the PentaGrans.
Thanks for following.
Don’t call me a pessimist. Call me a cynic. A cynic sounds smarter.
“I have a coupon for a large 2 topping”
“What toppings?”
“Pepperoni & a small cheese pizza”
“Sir you can’t top a pizza with a smaller pizza”
my nudist neighbours are moving away and selling everything and I’m thinking the washer and dryer will be worth a look
I bet dogs have a really hard time playing Twister
Left paw: grey
Other left paw: darker grey, but not the darkest grey. Sort of in between
My new sunglasses blend perfectly with the color of my hair so I won’t feel so stupid the next time I lose them on the top of my head.
A homeless man randomly asked me if I was from Minnesota yesterday, so I replied, “no, but once I stabbed a guy who grew up in Minneapolis”
(skipping class)
friend: what about the hall minotaurs?
me: you mean hall monitors?
*slow stomping noises*
Doctor: “I’m afraid you have loser says what disease.”
Me: “What?”
Doctor: “lol”
Me: “Is it serious?”
Doctor: “What?”
Me: “lol”
walked in on my grandma petting my dogs head whispering “you’re so lucky to be illiterate”
Short notice, but does anyone fancy spending a month on a private island in the Maldives? I’m looking for someone to join me ASAP as I’d prefer to leave this Sunday. Must have a private island in the Maldives, otherwise you’re wasting my time.
I can still remember that one Memorial Day weekend when I had too much to drink and cooled off in my neighbor’s birdbath ten minutes ago.
Someone once told me it couldn’t be done, so do you know what I did? I immediately said, “Ok” and stopped trying and I’ve never been more relaxed.
[Smoke billows from a pizza Oven at Papa Johns HQ]
Me: I see a new Papa has been chosen.
The twelve days of Christmas be like:
Days 1-4: Birds
Day 5: FINALLY, A DECENT GIFT
Days 6-7: oh… more birds
Days 8-12: Slavery(?)
girlfriend: are you really dipping THOSE in honey mustard?
me: yeah babe, the sauce isn’t just for the nuggets
girlfriend: it’s definitely not for the ice cubes in your soda
going to the ER y’all need anything
I’ve been reading your Oscar tweets, and America should not vote on things as a general rule going forward.
The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever
My 7 year old asked me if he could have a poster of an “artist named Eminem” and I flexed on him by telling him how I saw Eminem live in his hometown of Detroit.
“They’re gray with gray stripes”
– me warning my dog about skunks
interviewer: the job starts at 30k but in a year you’ll be making $40k
me: *gets up* ok see you then
My wife and I were happy for 24 years. Then we met.
I need someone to pretend they’re coming round, so I will burst into life and actually clean this stupid house.
Neighbor’s rooster hacks & crows like he’s been a lifelong smoker
Just sold my homing pigeon on eBay for the 32nd time.
I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up later.
My boyfriend threw out the packaging for our turkey crown. The packaging with the cooking instructions on it. Because I am a generous and mature person I said “never mind, I should have said.” And HE SAID “yes you should have really”.
And that’s what happened your honour.
Apparently the hardest part of exercising is keeping that shit to yourself.