Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I kinda feel like everyone shakes their head a little too much when they see me coming

I should have just told her she smells nice and left out the like Grandma’s pierogis part.

Dating is like a 2-day-old box of chocolates.

The good ones are already taken.

Thank you Twitter for introducing me to brilliant people , but your suggestions of who is similar to me is making me reassess my life.

My kids are doing things in Minecraft that are likely serial killer warning signs.

has anyone fixed the sound barrier yet

A male president? What if he gets a BONER and it presses the button to launch all the nukes

that stage of a relationship where you’re accused of things like exhaling too short, “I just don’t see how you can be in this for the long run when you’re clearly microdosing carbon dioxide”

I forgot the term “kidney stones” so I called them pee pebbles.

Interviewer: “Do you consider yourself a punctual person?”

Me: “I was born three months premature.”

Become ungovernable.

Shouldn’t women have a girlnecologist?

There are very few things more embarrassing than finding out you’ve been doing something the wrong way your entire life.

Water is the solution to any problem… Do you want to lose weight? Drink more water. Stressful day? Take a warm bath. Tired of annoying people? Drown them.

Interviewer: So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: I’m very attracted to you right now.

Driver: My God… that weasel…
Onlooker: He just went… “pop”…
Weasel’s family: *sobbing*
Ice-cream man: I’ve got an idea for a song y’all.

[on an interview]

Him: What are your bartending qualifications? *sips coffee*

Me: *slides coaster under his mug as he puts it down*

Him: *spits out coffee* Holy shit

Why do people get photo shoots done for newborns? Just find some pictures online they all look the same.

I’ve been walking on eggshells at work lately. My employer claims it’s cheaper than installing new carpeting.

When someone asks me why I’m leaving the party early, I say “I’m late for an appointment with my pajamas.”

What if you told a joke on stage then left. Then every few minutes for the next hour you peek out the curtain to see if anyone new is laughing at your joke. That’d be crazy right? That’s Twitter.

so you’re telling me a boot cut these jeans

What’s the past tense of “wake & bake”?

“Woke and boke”?
“Awake and baked”?
“Awakened and baconed”?

Whatever it is, I’m that

I hate my job. The work sucks. The people suck. The pay sucks.
*looks up and sees motivational poster on wall*
Well this changes everything

“Where do you see yourself in 5 lives?” (Dalai Lama job interview)

Everyone talks about selling excess solar to the electric company to pay for their solar panels, but nobody talks about selling excess flatulence to the gas company to pay for their Brussels Sprouts.

*husband comes outside*
“What are all the neighbors out here laughing about?”
*sees me trying to skateboard to the mailbox*

I only practice kegels so I can carry in another grocery bag when my hands are full

I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one today.

Anyway. Monkey for sale.

Doubling capacity by allowing aircraft take off from both ends of the runway didn’t go well. You learn something new every day in this job!