If Dean is Dean then why is Sean Shawn?
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Patient: I’m going to miss you. If I need anything how do I reach you?
Me: Pentagram and a dead goat
[In the gym] hey guys it’d be a lot easier to lift these weights if we worked together
Only 1 in 6 Americans can find Ukraine on a map…
Putin is fixing the issue
by just calling it all “Russia”.
he’s got his mother’s eyes, and his father’s chin… when will this child stop collecting bodyparts
Doglike cats are some of the sweetest, most adorable creatures on the planet. Catlike dogs emerged directly from a portal to hell
Cheers Twitter.
*Batman pulls up to drive-thru*
“Large fries.”
“We’re serving breakfast sir.”
*destroys speaker with batarang*
“And I’m serving justice.”
Me: Can you remember life before Amazon?
Husband: Yes. We had more money.
Can’t afford rent so I started living in the moment.
Me: You’re my favorite kid.
My kid: My favorite adult is Santa
Someone asked me why I was wearing a fake AirPod… bro that’s my hearing aid
You take the good, you take the bad, you take them both and suddenly you’re accused of being a kleptomaniac
Wife: *packing a bag*
Me: Where are you going?
W: I’m leaving you for my boss
M: Don’t go—
W: It’s too late, you can’t change my mind
M: —before I’ve written him a quick ‘Thank You & Good Luck’ note
W: I despise you
Hermit crabs fact: They can be got rid of with a special shampoo but hermits are often too reclusive to visit the pharmacy.
The doc was like “…..Some of these sinus medicines will make you very drowsy, which is fine. Nap whenever you can.” & I was like “Don’t threaten me with a good time.”
Sincere, like a compliment from a car salesman.
Me: Well, basically it sounds like when you’re crouching in an abandoned building on a remote planet in the future and a Cylon is scanning for your presence to destroy you.
Dishwasher Repair Man: That will be $200.
[self checkout]
daaaaang i look good
Panda express…🐶🐾🐼💨😅
She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.
Whatcha doing?! 😏🤣🐶
At an Italian restaurant for dinner with my 5 yo. She got visibly annoyed that the parmesan cheese wasn’t coming out of the shaker fast enough, unscrewed the cap and dumped a mound on her plate. And just like that she already embodies the spirit of women getting sh*t done.
“Eat her already!” – Animal watching people kissing
Remember you could bludgeon your enemy King with a wheel of cheese and eat the evidence.
“Well I guess I better get ready for work”
*gets out of bed*
“Ok I’m ready”
Me: Why are any of us here, really? What’s the point? Is there something bigger?
Cop: No, I meant why are you here, in this bank at two in the morning
wish I never spent that $20 my grandma gave me when I was 12, I could really use it right now
How many people out here using bar soap? I don’t think my kids would even be able to identify it
Hallmark movie writer’s room:
“Alright, let’s get started.”
(4 minutes later)
“OK, that’s a wrap on 27 movies, good job everyone.”
Sat next to a cute family at church yesterday. The little girl yells, mom I smell beer! It’s not beer it’s whiskey. Read a book stupid kid.