If Dean is Dean then why is Sean Shawn?
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Coworker: Do you have any snacks?
Me: WHY DOES EVERYONE THINK I HAVE SNACKS? DO I LOOK LIKE I HAVE SNACKS?
Coworker:
Me: Top desk drawer.
Sneaking into your house and eating just enough of the marshmallows out of your Lucky Charms to make you sad, but not suspicious.
If I’ve learned anything from Disney, it’s this:
If you happen across a woman’s corpse, in the forest? Kiss it.
I would steal more cars if only folks left their keys behind the sun visor like in the movies DAMN.
“Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight.” — The Swiss Army
“Please don’t do this.” – my voice mail greeting
Either this rapid COVID test is defective or I didn’t pee on it long enough.
“LOOK, MA!!!!! NO DIGNITY!!!!”
I didn’t know they can drive…
My kids are fighting over which chores they want to do and this is one fight that I’m not breaking up.
This is my emotional support knife.
I can finish The Times’ crossword in under five minutes but I struggle to eat the whole paper
Stop telling the people you don’t agree with to go to hell or we’re gonna be surrounded by people we don’t like.
*getting sexy boudoir photos taken for my husband*
Photographer: Ma’am, in the next shot, could you please put down the cheeseburger?
my new app automatically cuts wifi access to your teen’s phone if they are in the bathroom over 10min
[Tinder guy takes off his glasses for the date]
Lois Lane: wtf you look nothing like your profile pic
Me: (goes back in time to kill baby Hitler)
Hitler: Goo goo ga ga
Me: I can’t do it(goes ahead in time to when he’s a teenager)
Hitler: Nice haircut granddad
Me: *cocks gun*
Men say they love it when you get wet for them, but then complain when you flood their entire house.
The wife is out of town so you know what that means. That’s right, unsupervised eating.
8 wanted to play candy land but I told her I didn’t want to move out of my chair so she played for me & I won 3 out of 4, how can I make life like this
I’d like to thank the people who buy the gift bags. Because of you, I have never had to buy a gift bag. Thank you, from the bottom of my large gift bag filled with smaller gift bags.
Me: I’m not interested in you that way
Them: Which way?
Me: Pick one
PHARAOH: we shall build religious monuments. they will baffle future science.
SUBJECT: should we leave them a note to explain how we did it?
PHARAOH: yes, take this down
SUBJECT: ok
PHARAOH: cat, dog, snake, bird, cat, man with the head of a cat, dog, cat, bird
STOP HONKING! IF I DRIVE ANY FASTER THE TINY LIZARD THAT HITCHED A RIDE ON MY HOOD IS GONNA FALL TO HIS DEATH. HAVE SOME COMPASSION, PEOPLE.
EMERGENCY!!! THERE’S A NEW ONE!!!!!
So I was sitting in a recliner in my underwear, watching a movie, eating ice cream and Doritos minding my own business and freaking Walmart calls the cops!
a house doesn’t have to be haunted to scare me, I’ve seen the listing prices.
I wish I could put an AirTag on my sanity.
by this time next year, Ariana Grande’s eyelashes will be so long that male peacocks will challenge her for dominance
marriage counselor: you can’t run away from your problems
me: [leans forward, whispering] what if she gave me a head start
wife: I can hear u