If Dean is Dean then why is Sean Shawn?
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I told my wife I wanted a ferret, and the very idea made her so mad that for a second I thought I had mistakenly brought home a ferret.
You know how if a bear is about to attack you, you’re supposed to stand totally still? Your smarter friend that’s running just punkd you.
My 6yo told me his classmate has a pet wolf, and it’s giving him some ideas about our current pet situation
Me recordaron éste meme
When people fall with their iPhone 6 in pocket and hear a crack sound:
“Please let it be my leg, Lord.”
my diet starts tomorrow as it has every monday, and will continue to do so, indefinitely
I’m the Cinderella of finding one shoe at a sale and not finding the other and losing my own along the way.
therapist: are you still scared of your own existence?
me: I’m afraid I am
Some guy just smiled at me at the store and I didn’t know what to do; so I gave this half smirk, half confused look and I’m pretty sure he thinks I have gas
Betty White improvising on the spot while Bea Arthur and Rue McClanahan crack up laughing is the only thing you need to watch today.
Her: You secretly think your taste in music is superior to everyone else’s.
Me: Secretly? No.
Doctor: You need a kidney transplant.
Me: A transplant?
Dr: Don’t worry, I’ve never lost a patient. I know where each one is buried.
Me:
In light of all the stressful things around us right now, let’s take a moment to appreciate the cheapest luxury in the world. You don’t HAVE to get all dressed up to share a platter containing 12 pieces of toast with someone special…but don’t you think you should?
yeh i’ll get up soon i just need to look at the internet first. yes the whole thing
I know a girl that can hide eggs where your kids will never find them.
Me: The only thing I’m guilty of is starting singalongs
Judge: And that you killed a man
Me: put a gun against his head
Jury: pulled my trigger now he’s dead
Judge: mama
Why isn’t Yosemite pronounced like Vegemite?
The easter bunny left a note, it simply said:
Happy easter-fools day, I’ve hidden the deviled eggs around the house and turned the heat way up, you probably have about 25-30 minutes left before shit gets real bad!
Have a blessed day,
EB
I’d give my left arm to be able to leave work and go kayaking.
Albeit it in very slow counterclockwise circles.
Airports should have tattoo parlors for those of us with long layovers and poor impulse control
We need a dating app where you can just get directly to the point. Like hey, you think I’m cute? Do you wanna abandon society & go live in the mountains so we can train a small army of raccoons to shoplift for us when the apocalypse finally happens? No? Then don’t waste my time.
I don’t understand parents who have trouble saying no to their kids.
It’s literally my first instinct.
That hurricane will bounce as soon as it hits LA because it can’t afford the rent.
If I was a doctor I would scare my patients by pretending to go check google every time they asked me a question
Me: You bought 6 bottles of carpet cleaning solution?
Wife: Yes.
Me: We have hard wood floors.
Wife: I had a coupon that was expiring today!
“ew what is that?” is my child’s adorable way of asking what’s for dinner
The defense rests your honor.
*camera pans to defendant taking a nap*
So it’s not a good idea to shoot finger guns at a man that’s driving an armored truck. I know that now.
Perhaps you could be persuaded to look the other way, Officer.
I let soap touch his cast iron frying pan yesterday, so can I sleep on someone’s couch for a while?