Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*Me, getting my arm bitten off during a zombie apocalypse*
5: *crying*
Me: It’s okay, son.
5: You said you were gonna get me a snack.

Coffee beans are grinding. Even they get more action than I do

Seriously considering the offer of this guy on the train howling “does anyone want to get married?! I’m 48 years old!!” Might be the best deal I’m going to get at this point

Me: In my day we all had to watch the same thing, at the same time, on the same screen

My kids: NOOOOO!!!

When I see a flash mob in public I immediately join in to make it seem like they didn’t practice enough.

“If you build a lasagna, I will come.”

– Garfield of Dreams

DENTIST: Open
*patient opens mouth*
D: Nice! Stay open
*dentist sheds lab coat-he’s a hermit crab.Crawls in mouth*
D: New home sweet home!

I just saw a skunk and a possum walking through my backyard and i of course assume they’re off on some kind of adventure

AXL ROSE: Where do we go? Where do we go now? Where do we go-o-o-o?
GOOGLE MAPS: Shut up for a minute and I’ll tell you

If she hides her money in her bra, that’s called a treasure chest.

I think young people aren’t hooking up as much bc you can watch videos on your phone now anywhere. In my day you had to ask someone to go back to your room to watch a funny video on your laptop. Then you watched all 6 funny videos on YouTube and were like “I guess we could kiss?”

If you ever need to find evidence to prove someone’s guilt or innocence, always check the pudding first.

It was all over when he said, “It must have been an obstacle illusion.”

HER: you got some in my hair

ME: sorry

HER: and in my eye

ME: my bad

HER: are you sure you’ve painted before

God: you’re a capybara.

Capybara: yay!

God: you’re the largest rodent.

Capybara: double yay!

God: also you live in South America.

Capybara: so cool!

God: wow you’re in a great mood!

Capybara: just living my personal motto!

God: which is?

Capybara: don’t worry be Capy : )

“Are you sexually ac-” [my doctor looks up at me] [he marks no]

Me: I like the cuddles more than the rough hugs.

Coach: Again, they’re called “huddles” and “tackles.”

They said good sex was all about chemistry, so I wore a lab coat & slept with a beaker.

I put my shoes on like everyone else. I beckon for my footman, Chauncey, and he does it straightaway. Your guy probably has a different name

“i just followed a pigeon on TikTok,” i say to you as you are in the room with me but you are an alien from space and don’t understand and say “what?” and i point to my phone and say “i subscribed to a pigeon on my phone” and you’re like “ok? is it coming here?”

Quarantine, day 14. Me and my boyfriend spent the whole day setting up an art gallery for our gerbil.

Person: “I have a friend in a wheelchair, do you know him?”

Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have a friend who’s stupid, do you know him?”

The only time anyone’s ever gotten choked when having sex with me is when they got bored and started eating a sandwich.

JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt

ME [going in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it

[interrogation]
Cop: what were you doing last nite?
Me: I was killin my neighbour, Bert
Cop: louder for the tape please
Me [leaning in]: I was filling in paperwork. I’m a busy guy

Imagine being the person that got a message from an almighty powerful God and it was: ‘There’s going to be a floody floody’.

“I’m a night owl”

all owls are night owls. you are a regular owl.

i missed therapy because i was up until 4am making this

The local diner is now selling rolls of toilet paper displayed in the glass case alongside their pie, which is really confusing.
Unless you’ve ever eaten their pie.