Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just blew up my daughter’s beach ball by mouth & I’m afraid this beach ball would not pass a sobriety test.

Wife: y is a penguin w an umbrella in the-
Me:*points to dog dressed as batman* so Bark Wayne isnt bored
W:
M: he needs an arch enemy, Karen

Got in a fight with my neighbor again because I tripped his breaker while using his outdoor Christmas lights as an extension cord for my outdoor Christmas lights.

DO YOU WANT ME TO RAP?
I WILL RAP!

– how I threaten my kids

You can tell a lot about people, you just don’t need to.

Just overheard someone describe their hike as “it was like mountain climbing, but flat”

Him: If it hadn’t been for cotton-eyed Joe
I’d been married long time ago
Where did you come from, Where did you go?
Where did you come from, cotton-eyed Joe?

Her: Okay. I’ll just put “single” on this Census form.

Free pizza at work got me like “Fine, I’ll come back on Monday”.

him: there’s been another burglary how do people get into that

me: no idea *putting halloween masks on the kids and handing them bags* let’s start with the rich houses

Walmart never delivered my grocery order but they gave me a $10 credit so I will give each of my thanksgiving guests a dollar in lieu of a meal. All is well.

[first day as a lion tamer]

me: don’t worry i totally researched this…

ring master: um ok

me: *pulls out a pig and a meerkat* NOW SING

Some people like to stir the pot…

…I prefer to smoke it.

a fun game to play with a chiropractor is to go completely limp after they pop your neck just to see what they do

If you tell me to pick a side, I’m always going to choose potato salad.

Wife’s friend: So what was your C section like?

Wife: Well, it wa….

Me: Omg it was AWFUL. I had to just stand there for like 30 minutes

8: What’s this music?

Me: The Ramones, do you like it?

8: No, it sounds too easy to do.

Me, offended: What’s wrong with being easy?

normal person: 9+7=16

me: if 10+7 is 17 and 9 is one less than 10 then 9+7 must be 16

God: *creates a cat* how’re you feline little guy?

Cat:

God:

Cat:

God: *creates dogs*

Me: You know better than to use that bad word.
5-year-old: Yes.
Me: Then why did you?
5: My brain said not to, but my mouth does whatever it wants.

I slip the nun 30 bucks and real quiet-like ask to see the “strong orphans.”

My dog just came downstairs with a tie and a bottle of aftershave in his mouth so I guess he wants to go out.

When boxes arrive from Amazon I just tell my husband they’re Christmas presents for him and he doesn’t ask questions.

I should probably buy him something soon.

In my opinion, we should keep on eating meat until the planet runs out. And then, and only then, do we start on the children.

When you’re single and decide to go out for dinner on Valentine’s Day.

I opened the fridge door, but something inside slammed it shut. It’s going to be Uber Eats until we can move out.

I am so tired of living like it’s the 1600s. Can I afford eggs at the market? Are my friends gonna die in the plague? Puritans coming for my sinful lifestyle. I want some modern problems. Modern Problems

When my wife and I started dating she’d jokingly tell me “Go play in traffic”. Now when she says it, she opens my car door while driving on the freeway.

I just want a man to look at me the way Doc from back to the future looks when something exciting happens.

I think airplanes would be way cooler if the wings flapped like a bird

[first date]
me: [don’t let her know you’re a microwave]
her: my food is a bit cold
me: [my head starts slowly rotating]