Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

starting a cleaning service for people with ADHD. I won’t be doing any of the actual cleaning, I’ll just be calling you at random times to tell you I’m on my way to your house and I’ll be there in about 45 minutes

My little niece ate her chocolate Easter bunny’s face because she “didn’t like the way it was looking at her”

I’m locking my bedroom door tonight

wife: what are you thinking about

guy who invented coffee: what if we pick the fruit off this plant, remove the seeds, roast them on a stove, let them cool off, grind them up into a near powder, pour boiling hot water over them, and then drink it

Day 1: This is a great chance to rediscover my love of cooking!

Day 5: *sink full of spoons, trash full of empty jars of peanut butter*

You should never forget where you came from. That’s probably where your keys are.

Want to know the secret to looking young? Pick up a bottle of sunblock, and put it on 20 years ago.

Mugger: Give me everything you got

Me: Hope you like a low credit score and insomnia

A guy on a scooter just yelled at me for being on my phone at a red light so I yelled at him for being on a scooter

911: what’s your emergency sir

me: I can’t find my butler

911: perhaps he is pretending to be a 911 dispatcher like you asked sir

me: will you pretend to be my butler until he gets back

I’ve opened a can of worms. They just sit there, the worms. Hardly the chaos that’s been advertised.

The Supreme Court was making history, holding arguments over the phone because of Covid-19, when all of a sudden there was the distinct sound of a toilet flushing.

Her: Men are lucky. You just get to wake up & be hot.

Me: Not true. I still have to put my contacts in so I can see how hot I look.

H: …

[At bar]
BARTENDER: I dont think she wants to talk man
ME: [dabbing on pickle juice as cologne] I think I know what the ladies want pal

😤😤

“So your new carol is just eight verses of you demanding figgy pudding with increasing hostility.”

“That’s right.”

“And it’s called We Wish You A Merry Christmas?”

“Yes”

“Buts it not really about Christmas is it? It’s mostly about figgy—“

“—figgy pudding yeah.”

cruella deville’s mother being killed by dalmatians is the funniest possible origin story. like what if batman had said “i am going to wear robbers”

Amazing how a fight can break out at the grocery store over something as simple as knocking over someone’s cart and demanding they fight you

[on a first date]

Her: I don’t like guns

Me: *casually unrolls my t-shirt sleeves*

Roses are red
Violets are blue
Meet me in bed
To learn something new

Pfff….poetry is easy

Before handing your wallet and wife’s necklace over to that angry gunman, pause to consider how sweet it would be if your son became Batman.

[Interview with a time traveller]
“What’s life like in the year 3000?”

It’s pretty much the same as 2015 but you can download a towel

Sex is like riding a bike…..no matter how confident you are, you’re not allowed to do it naked in the park.

psychic: “I see… I see kids in your future”
me: “but I’ve had a vasectomy”
[9 months later … me tending a goat farm]
“This’s bullshit”

Dentist: Mike, you really don’t need to get undressed when you get in the chair.
Me: Oh, no, it’s no problem really. I don’t mind.

Me, making resolutions in January: This is the year I work on myself for a change.

And then 2020 laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed.

Planet of the Apps.

[Concert finishes]
Me: *taking a bow*
Violinist: Hey, give that back

me as a serial killer would be trying to snap someone’s neck and just making them look to the left real quick.

If someone says, “I hate to ask you this, BUT…” you should have 4 designated friends who will jump on you & carry you out of the building like secret service agents.

It costs nothing to be kind. But then again, it costs nothing to be a sociopath. So you see my dilemma.