If denial isn’t a skill, how can my brain convince me that I can reach in my purse with wet nails and it’s going to be be fine?
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Scientists discovered the largest prime number yet (23 million digits) when it was given to them as the confirmation number after a customer service call with their internet provider.
Worst day ever. Accidentally touched a Magic Eraser and now I’m a muggle.
Son: Dad, is cousin Billy a mosquito?
Me: In Alabama?
S: Yeah.
M: Of course not. Why do you ask?
S: Mom said he was the product of insects.
After I dropped my daughter off at college, my youngest son said “We’re finally empty nesters. Let’s start traveling”.
No need to write it down, I’ve a photographic memory
*looks hard af*
*pukes polaroid*
Her: Let’s just drop it.
Me: Fine.
Her:
Me:
Her: I just find it funny how…
Me: *opens car door and shoulder rolls out into traffic*
The dinner I made tonight wasn’t great. Luckily it only took 2 hours to make, cost $83 in ingredients, and needed multiple pots and pans.
Definition of Rap Songs: Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung.
[holding a playstation controller while i watch Friends and pretending i’m controlling chandler]
Can’t trust anyone that refuses to admit
They are wrong.Sidenote: I do have a place to hide their bodies.
The first thing you’ll need if you’re planning on stealing an ostrich from the zoo is a car with a sunroof
Aging has caused me to need glasses. Glasses of beer. Glasses of wine. And glasses of bourbon.
Shaking hands is so weird:
“Nice to meet you, have some germs and dead skin cells.”
I like my women like I like my glasses: thick, transparent, and uneven
No my carpet doesn’t match my drapes cause I don’t have carpet , Duh….
Everything that is wrong with America, in one image.
date: “i like dangerous guys, are you dangerous?”
[thinking about the amount of plugs i have in one outlet behind the tv]
me: “yes i am”
keep your circle small. bridesmaid’s dresses are expensive.
Hulk Hogan tries to quietly rip his shirt off during a funeral.
Me: Janet’s boyfriend reminds me of Gandhi
Wife: He looks nothing like him
Janet’s bf: [tapping on car window] Don’t forget about Gandhi
Your parents taught you to wash your hands after you pee. My parents taught me not to pee on my hands in the first place.
I’m no candle in the wind. I’m a flamethrower at a baby shower.
Christmas decorations should come with coupons for couples counseling.
There should be a dimmer on refrigerator lights so you’re not hit with full sunlight blast when you’re cruising for food at 3 a.m.
My son, in the restaurant: “Mom! If you don’t stop dancing to Despacito I’m literally going to drink and drive, and I don’t have a license yet.”
[ER]
ME: [scared] well?
DOCTOR: ur ok
M: so it was just a dream
D: o no ur body is filled with lizards but ur system is accepting them
Every time I think the younger generation is stupid, I remind myself that we took a long time to figure out that WWF was all fixed !!
Wife: *working a crossword* Seven letter word for female.
Me: Ironman
Wife: Get out!
Me:
One of my moles: I shall grow a hair for you, master