If diamonds are a girl’s best friend how come diamonds never drunkenly make out with me?
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Her: I’m not like other girls
Me, knows no other girls: ah that’s good to hear
10’s homework question: “Which appliance in your home do you think is the most useful?”
His answer: “My mom.”
Me: getting the flu shot wasn’t so bad, was it?
5: it was really loud
Me: loud?
5: yes because I screamed the whole time!
I’ve never simultaneously loved something so much and wanted it to shut up as badly as I do with my kids.
Although Paul Simon doesn’t specifically list it in the song, one of the 50 ways to leave your lover is murder.
I was trying to get the bubbles out of my screen protector and I accidentally bought a horse on eBay.
A fun thing to do is sit on the couch with black buttons over your eyes while your kids watch Coraline, then wait for them to notice.
a media executive i worked for called me once in a panic at midnight because he saw a youtube clip of a manatee with eight million views and he wanted to know why our site’s videos didn’t have eight million views and i said we should pivot to manatees
On the last picture day I sent my kids to school in nice button up shirts thinking I had things covered but I just got the proofs which are all full body shots showing their sweatpants and dirty sneakers
If you’re a cannibal, it’s technically hunting, not murder.
Trains are great for when you need the names of towns screamed at you intermittently over a loud speaker
Read about a 60 yr old woman wanting to swim from Florida to Cuba & felt inspired & wanted to help so I emailed her a picture of a boat
YES I SAW THE TYPO; A Memoir
Me: I have 3 small kids, so preparing a healthy breakfast can be a challenge some mornings.
Friend: You should meal prep at night to make things easier.
Me: I guess I should have mentioned that the kids live here at night, too.
“Now, remember,” I say, waving my tweezers. “You eyebrows aren’t twins; they’re nearly identical cousins trying to outdo each other in order to become executor of their grandfather’s will.”
Doctor said I need to eat more salad.
12: This apple tastes funny.
Me: That’s because it’s a peach.
Also me: Starts spending 12’s college fund.
i asked my mom why she was crying and she said because shes choping onions which is sad becuase as a young child she was adopted by onions
well, my kid accomplished at least one of the two reminders she gave Alexa last night
You don’t want to be on any project or mission with a checklist that includes “backup underwear”.
Me: If there’s Super Mario then how come regular Mario doesn’t wear glasses?
Therapist: I’m going to increase your medication
you want me to attend a work meeting? the thing that killed Julius Caesar?
I call people weirdos a lot for someone who can’t leave their house without checking the stove 3x even If I haven’t cooked on it since 2009.
My autocorrect just changed “I’m off” to “I’m DTF” and changed a casual conversation with my boss into an H.R meeting.
*walks in on family gathering*
I AM NOT CLEANING UP ALL OF THIS BLOOD
Her: I love your eyes.
Me: Thanks, they were a set…
i wish there were off brand cars like “hey man check out my new Toyoga Dakota”
Ooh I do like a good funnel
How to unravel a sweater…
A thread 🧵
normalize slapping the phone out someone’s hand when they use speakerphone in public.