If diamonds are a girl’s best friend how come diamonds never drunkenly make out with me?
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I’m hiring a motivational speaker for my lazy eye.
Netflix is asking every five minutes if we’re still watching and I think it must be suffering from separation anxiety now that people are going outside again.
My grandfather came to this country with nothing but the shirt on his back. When he got here, the cops made him put on pants, too.
If you drop a peanut in a shag rug forget it, let it go.
Sounds like a bargain
Found some beef jerky under my kid’s pillow, and now I have some questions for the tooth fairy
Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
Shaking hands is so weird:
“Nice to meet you, have some germs and dead skin cells.”
I have no idea where my birth certificate or social security card are, but here are 417 receipts from Target from the past 2 years.
At what age do humans become manipulative pieces of shit? Is it three? Feels like it’s three.
Before handing your wallet and wife’s necklace over to that angry gunman, pause to consider how sweet it would be if your son became Batman.
I’m doing crunches twice a day now…
Captain in the morning…
Nestle in the afternoon.
CYCLOPS: what’s that screaming?
PROF. X: I maxed out the difficulty in the danger room
WOLVERINE: [running through the aisles of a virtual grocery store trying to avoid talking to neighbors, old class mates, and ex gfs] NOOOOOOOOOO
I’m thinking about giving up sugar.
Ok. I’m done thinking about it.
Me: i hate it when I have to come in to work
Boss: i hate it when you have to come to work, too
a good argument tactic is if the person is eating or drinking something all you have to do is call them whatever they’re eating and or drinking “okay whatever you say dr. pepper” etc.
*weather drops 2 degrees*
me: it’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas
Drinking alcohol before pregnancy can cause pregnancy.
It’s really telling how society and Hollywood has been producing all sorts of content about others, but almost none about me, personally 🤔
My Christmas shopping will be financed by my swear jar again this year.
For a one-way mission to Mars, we should send a blogger. Not so they can blog about the experience, but so there’d be one less blogger.
My wife is getting rid of all the clutter. If you see the kids and me standing out by the street, it means we didn’t make the cut this year.
my mom when anyone would walk on the carpet she just vacuumed
I have a pet termite named Clint.
Clint eats wood…
I’m sorry I’m sorry
The universe contains protons,neutrons,electrons and morons.
Doctor: I have good news!
Me: oh thank God
Doctor: Do you want to die?
Me: No!
Doctor: Right I thought you were gonna say yes ok I have bad news 🙁
Wife: *banging on bedroom door* I know about you and the murder
Me: oh shit
Crows: *in bed with me* finally we can be together
HER: it’s pretty sad when people are incapable of moving beyond small talk
ME: do you like things?
The Masters would be a lot more interesting if there were starving alligators roaming through out the golf course.