If diamonds are a girl’s best friend how come diamonds never drunkenly make out with me?
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How do you know you been on your phone too much?
Reading an actual physical book earlier I looked up to the top of the page to see the time!
I’m terrible with names…
…just ask my daughter Barry
[dragging knife across my cheek] you should be so lucky to find my hair in your food
Wendy’s manager: you are very fired
Put your address and social security number into the GIF search then mail me your house keys to find your rapper name
I wanted to be the last man on Earth just to find out if all those ladies were lying to me.
My neighbors hate me because I still haven’t taken my Groundhog Day decorations down.
I remember the first time i asked my dad to sign something for me in high school. He shook his head and said “if i sign this, you’re going to have to learn how to forge my signature. if you sign it from the start, you’ll be able to sign whatever you want and they’ll never know.”
I got a letter from a bill collector saying this is the last time they will attempt to contact me, so this problem really solved itself
Quit coffee and now I’m like one of those fish at the bottom of the ocean that use antennae to find their way through the dark.
A childless co-worker just told me that he hasn’t been sick in 5 years
Meanwhile, I’m a dad of 3 living in a bubbling cauldron of plague-infested boogers, pee, and sick-vapor.
Sooooo……I don’t want to kill the guy
But should I sneeze on him just for fun?
I’m at the “buy bigger jeans” part of my Eat. Pray. Love. journey.
Lowes can be picky, they refused my coupon. Some lame excuse about written in crayon
Times when calories don’t count:
1. Finishing the rest of your kid’s dinner
2. Taking Mom/Dad tax when you give your kid a snack
3. Spoons of Mac N Cheese straight from the pot
4. Any stress eating related to something your kid did
Me: I’m proud of you for completing your project and I’m sorry for screaming like a feral raccoon.
10: Don’t worry girlie when I’m a mom I’m gonna do the same thing.
When you do it as an adult it’s a Wet William
men: i like the natural no makeup look
me: that natural look took more makeup than bozo the clown
[going down a slide at 4]: yayyyyyyyyyyy
[going down a slide at 40]: tell my storyyyyyyyy
if you haven’t yet today pleaseeeee make sure you get in your hours and hours of screen time. you are your phone’s entire life. it misses you ♥️♥️🫶🏼🫶🏼 always remember this
Anyone really
So I go to McDonalds & I’m ordering my food & the car behind starts honking their horn bc I’m taking to long to order. So I go to the 1st window and paid for my food & theirs too. Then I got to the 2nd window to get my food and took theirs too.
A lot of women think you have to chose between a career and a family, but I’m here to tell you that you can have neither.
HER: I’m a gun enthusiast
ME [trying to impress]: I’m sweating bullets
me: hey have you seen my keys?
patient I just operated on: no
me: go like this *wiggles*
I got laid off from Twitter for accidentally reacting with 😂 instead of 🔥 on a sexy dm room pic.
do what now??
Practice self-care like a lighthouse, let your problems crash all around you but avoid it by gazing mindlessly off into the distance.
A Hallmark Movie where the woman discovers the true meaning of love while eating chicken wings alone in a booth at Buffalo Wild Wings
I told my 8 year old son, “There’s something so special about you. Since you’re my last baby, you will always be mommy’s baby to me.”
To which he replied, “God I hope so. Aren’t you pushing 50?”