If Die Hard is a Christmas movie, then a sleeveless vest is perfectly suitable attire for dinner with your mother, Sharon.
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I like to say I don’t hold on to anger but I’m also still pissed at that chick that came to my bat mitzvah and then didn’t invite me to hers.
me: omg why are you so obsessed with me
cop: because you ran over 4 people back there
Saw a tempting new kind of ice cream in the case at the grocery store and, for some reason, audibly said “Hi” to it. A lady behind me said “Excuse me?” and I motioned to the glass door in front of me and realized I looked like a parakeet enamored by the strange bird in the mirror
People say “you’ll ruin your appetite” like I have to be hungry to eat.
No self-respecting murderer is going to have the patience to stand there for the twenty or thirty hours it’ll take me to dig my own grave.
Friend: Wanna go out and watch the game? We can get some food maybe.
Me: You had me at “get drunk.”
Friend: I didn’t say that.
Me: It’s a no from me.
Me: Door knobs are for losers. Just kick it in.
Anger Management Coach: *takes off glasses and starts silently crying*
Someone accused me of spending too much time on the Internet. I don’t know what to say. I am so full of emoticons right now.
my new yoga pose is called the lounging hippopotamus
Imagine you’re fine, minding your own business and then someone offers you a 50$ gift card and you end up spending 400$
Why are they called bangs and not a hangover?
My heart skips a beat and my hands clench. Lips quivering, I lower my gaze to the ground. Faced with the truth, the disappointment I feel rips through my gut like the sharpest of blades. I HAVE DROPPED MY CHEESE.
Not sure why me wife is only mad at me. My 4 year old forgot her birthday too.
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m hungry like I’ll tell you anything
I replaced the glass in my bathroom windows so the tree outside can see exactly what I do with toilet paper.
You know what paper is? I yell
A salad is just a bowl of all the things I take off my hamburger.
COP: [flashes his light into my car]
ME: *struggles to roll down window* “Sorry this isn’t my car.”
doctor: your heart rate is a little high, have you exercised today?
me: does sex count?
doctor: yes
me: then no
If you live alone and you have pets they don’t know your name
The prophecy is fulfilled
Pretty sure I just heard a grown man wrestle a bear in a bathroom stall at Chipotle.
My car broke down between the marina and the Hallmark store.
Now, I’m stuck between a dock and a card place.
MATH TEACHER: what is half of thirty
ME: thi
Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.
When a Honda Element crashes into another Honda Element it becomes a Honda Compound.
Kids will find some random stick on the ground and within thirty seconds it has a name and a very thoroughly developed back story
i actually have good reason to shoot the messenger. for one, i do NOT like what he’s telling me
Starting to think North Korea just really hates the ocean.
“I made a meal out of Rosemary tonight. Smell my fingers”
*Dating a girl named after a spice is awkward