Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I dumbed there ONE time and now this.

The waitstaff is making TikTok’s with my food at this restaurant I can see them doing it please I’m starving

[last night]
*does dozens of squats to impress a cute guy at the gym*

[this morning]
*takes half an hour to get down a flight of stairs*

Oh that’s cute you think the worst sound is “nails on a chalkboard”… Here, borrow my kids for an hour.

this is one of the absolute funniest things hozier’s ever done and i stand by that

Oh, you’re a stoner?
Name every stone.

ADAM: Let’s take turns naming animals.
EVE: Ok. Lion.
A: Um, sea lion.
E: Horse.
A: Uh, seahorse
E: Cow.
A: Sea cow.
E: Idiot.
A: Sea idiot!

Hey IKEA,

Marriage Therapists and Divorce Lawyers on site in your stores, you’d make a killing.

I had 13 items in the 12 items or less line, so I just put a banana in my pocket.

A guy with a ponytail wearing mirrored sunglasses and camouflage pants just checked me out and winked at me. Still got it.

4 year old: Daddy do you have any bat cheese?

Me: Bat cheese?

4: Yes

Me: Bat. Cheese?

4: Yes. Bat cheese.

Me: Why are you asking for… bat cheese?

4: For my car

Me:

4:

Me: Ahhhh batteries. You need batteries!

4: Yes bat cheese! 🙄

One time I exaggerated so hard that I died.

I always get new followers when I’m asleep proving that people like me better when I’m not talking

My kids don’t like going to bed because they think exciting things happen after they’re gone.

Little do they know them going to bed is the exciting thing.

BREAKING NEWS: North Korea may test a missil on April 10. They just need to find a gigantic bottle of Coke and a huge Mento.

Now that I think about it, I don’t believe Arnold Schwarzenegger and Danny Devito were twins at all

Proud to announce I’ve made Forbes’ “7 Billion under 7 Billion” this year

God: Basically u just chill.
Cow: Nice.
God: I mean, at first.
Cow: …then?
God: Then people murder u to eat ur insides & wear u as a coat.

POLICE! OPEN UP, WE KNOW YOU’RE IN THERE. WELL, WE DON’T KNOW BUT WE’RE KINDA HOPING YOU ARE COS IT WAS A LONG DRIVE & JIM NEEDS TO PEE.

judge: how do you plead

me: *burps* excuse me

judge: you are excused

me: [running away] gottem lol

prisoner: [wakes up half drunk] where am i

sheriff: bad news pal you’re in jail

prisoner: i can see that but where

sheriff: mississippi

prisoner: ok now that is bad news

Honestly, I think Bernie Sanders is just angry about email in general. #DemDebate

Whenever I seductively unbutton my pants, I always maintain full eye contact with the waiter so he knows I want more table bread.

Hey Billy Joel it’s called a pianist.

40% of my vocabulary consists of words that I inventaciously creatified.

Body: Damn it was a long day. Let’s go to sleep.

Bladder: Even I’m done for the day.

Eyes: Ok I’m closing shop.

Brain: How do nudists clean their glasses?

Come on royal family, it’s not that difficult to name your 3rd child. I have 3 sons, Dustin, Jacob and what’s-his-face.

*ad for swiss army knife*

Do you need to open your wine and also keep others away from your wine?

A grand jury is made up of a cross-section of the community.

I ride the train w/the cross-section & it’s mostly people peeing on the floor.