Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Looking for family dinner suggestions. Last night we had: No! No! No! And Yuck!

My old WiFi name used to be BoratVoiceMyWifi but I’ve since matured

“Let’s walk over there” “ok” -couple a cows

*calls mom*
“Ma I made 3 friends on twitter today”
*long pause*
“Mom?”
*mom stares at 3 fake twitter accounts she made, fights tears*
“Mom?”

“What’s up, doc?” says Bugs Bunny. “Not you,” laughs the doctor. “Take these little blue pills.”
*Looney Tunes music plays*

Me: Hello, my name is Vikki and I’m an alcoholic.
Operator: Ma’am, this is AAA.
Me: I know. I’m an alcoholic and now my car is in a ditch.

*visits random websites just for the cookies*

Who called them riverboat casinos and not dealerships?

people who separate your hahahas into ha ha ha, whats going on there

hey can i get an ETA on that this too shall pass?

8 asked if I had to choose between not having him or not having chocolate for a whole week what would I do and I said I couldn’t believe he’d even ask me that and then I packed a bag for him and said I’d see him in a week

I want to be gangsta but my grandma said no

Next time someone says “I’m a hugger” and tries to hug me I’m gonna say “I’m a biter” and see how it goes.

satan: [pulling me aside] hey we’ve had some complaints

me: about the laughing?

satan yeah [scratching horns] i gotta be honest a lot of the demons are creeped out

me:

satan: you really shouldn’t be enjoying the torture this much

How people watch movies when they’re:

DATING *hold hands*
ENGAGED *cuddle*
MARRIED *one person turns the volume up while I choke on a piece of popcorn*

Imagine having a subordinate at work who can’t perform basic job duties, requires constant oversight, and questions your every decision with another supervisor. Parenting. I just described parenting.

The easiest way to bundle your home and auto insurance is to live in your car.

Periods are stupid. Why am I being punished for not being pregnant? Shouldn’t confetti be falling from my uterus?

“Hello, this is Steve, my wife is listening.”

– How I answer every phone call since my wife bought Bluetooth for my car.

whelp that’s enough instagram for today

Gross negligence implies the existence of tasteful negligence

If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time to just before a famous person was supposed to be assassinated and borrow money from them.

People ask if I’m worried about growing a third arm after getting the vaccine and honestly I could use more hands.

Nothing is worse than seeing a gorgeous girl that I’d never approach or stand a chance with and then finding out she has a boyfriend

Got some shoes from a drug dealer , I don’t know what he laced them with coz I’ve been tripping all day.

Anytime I am searching the stock room at work and a coworker asks “Looking for something?” I jump out of my skin, and its not from them sneaking up on me, it’s b/c that’s what villains says when they have something you need, or they’ve caught you trying to escape their evil lair

friends who just got married: We were kind of hoping you’d stick to the registry.

me *crestfallen*: you don’t like the jukebox of screams?

I think it’s adorable when kids lose their teeth, they look like tiny meth addicts.

if u ever feel insecure just remember that there is at least one couple where your name is a sensitive topic. kinda sexy of you to be that important

my grandma has declared she is “93 and over it” and no one has the heart to tell her she is actually 102