Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The auto parts store is like ‘get our free app’ as if I’m buying parts everyday. I only need this one thing.

DOCTOR: I have bad news

MAN WHO WOKE UP FROM 5 YR COMA: I don’t mind as long as I get to see my favorite gorilla from the Cincinnati zoo

😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭

Quit coffee and now I’m like one of those fish at the bottom of the ocean that use antennae to find their way through the dark.

My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.

I’m not saying I drank a lot over the holidays, but my liver just went to an AA meeting without me.

[Shark Tank]
Ok hear me out.
-Alright.
It’s an airplane made out of cats.
-But why?
It cant crash. Always lands on it’s feet.
-Please leave.

therapist: and what motivation will we use ?

me: hate fueled spite ?

therapist: no

I may be a woman but I know all about off-road adventuring. Your tyres need to be soft when driving in sand so just make little holes in your tyres. Stab stab stab.
Follow me for more adventuring tips.

Okay, raise your hand if you put raisins in your oatmeal cookies.

Great. Now, make a fist with that hand & punch yourself in the face.

The best thing about going to my Parents at the weekend is my Mum’s meatloaf.
She can’t do the voice but she looks just like him.

I’m single by choice. Just not my choice.

[looking at pregnancy test]

Her: Well, it’s positive…so weird

Me: [Flashback to using car keys to open condom wrapper]…so weird

I was actually unaware there is a global crisis occurring, I’ve been in quarantine the last two weeks because of an unfortunate haircut

I’m starting a merciful puzzle company that keeps the edge pieces separate from the middle pieces because it’s 2019 and we shouldn’t have to work so hard to be bored.

41 years old and I find myself in the grip of an identity crisis. Do I became a hat guy or a shaved-head guy?

Dating Couple, finishing each other’s sentences: We’re so perfect for each other

Married Couple, finishing each other’s sentences: WILL YOU LET ME FINISH??!!

[running away from killer]

KILLER: YOU’RE GONNA TRIP ON YOUR SHOELACES THEN I’LL GET U

ME: MY SHOES ARE VELCRO

KILLER: NOOOOOOOOOOOO

4th of July Pro Tip: If you’re looking for quality, never buy fireworks from a guy with more than seven fingers.

Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?

Me: Because I’m riding a Big Wheel on the freeway?

Officer: A STOLEN BIG WHEEL

Another useless change! I’m leaving this app. I just can’t stick around through another update. See you guys back here in an hour.

90 people have swine flu and everybody wants to wear a mask. A million people have AIDS and nobody wants to wear a condom.

Shout out to the top 5 waters in the world, holy, tap, you can lead a horse to, baby with the bath and bridge over troubled.

Me: Do you know the difference between hot and cold?

4: They both rhyme, daddy!

Mom I wouldn’t be invited to jump off the bridge

Goldilocks taught me that you can get away with breaking into a brown family’s home and stealing their food, as long as you’re a white girl.

My family crest is just a picture of my grandfather dressed up as a giant hotdog being dragged into a cave by a bear.

convinced my 44 year old therapist to confront her husband about not liking her instagram posts and left the session feeling so empowered by the realization that while she can’t make me better, i can make us both worse.

Put my back out twerking in the library again

The lifeboat dilemma: the guy everyone wants to kill isn’t the one they want to eat.