If dinosaurs were still alive, people would do a lot more running.
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“Whatcha doin’ right now?”
“Finishing up some emails.“
“Wrong. You’re drivin’ me to Petco.”
“Why? You have plenty of food.”
“I’ll also need you to wait in the car.”
“Wait, what?”
“And, keep it running.”
“What’s going on here, Max?”
“Nothin’. I just gotta see a guy about a thing.”
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [starts testing all the smoke detectors]
Next time I feel incompetent at my job, I hope I remember that someone once pushed a live software update that crashed half the planet.
I’m only up to Covid 15.
No Spoilers Please!
*walks away from an explosion in slow motion
*walks right into another explosion in slow motion
Me: “Oh no, it’s Scream!”
Ghostface: “It’s actually Ghostface.”
Me: {Being stabbed} “Scream, stop!”
When an IT person pisses me off I just wait until 4:45pm to crash my computer.
Officer: I’m arresting you for downloading the entire Wikipedia. Man: No wait! I can explain everything!
Tonight I realized when I’m on video calls I bite my bottom lip like I’m trying to awkwardly seduce everyone on the call. Why am I like this
So, if you get pregnant in Vegas, does the baby have to stay there?
Did you have a good weekend or did your 4 y/o tell a lady with grey hair in the greeting card isle to “Move it old lady!”?
My new party trick.. I swallow two pieces of string and an hour later they come out of my ass tied together….I shit you knot…
Establish dominance at a restaurant by bringing your own menu.
no one:
absolutely no one:
my 8 year old: i hate lasagna if someone ever brought me one when im old id make my wife eat it
I’m so proud of myself. I went to Costco hungry and only spent $17,000.
A female contestant is on Wheel of Fortune. “Give me a D” she says. “She wants the D” Pat Sajak says & then high fives the camera man.
People like Bubba Gump Shrimp Co. How about more movie character restaurants? I have some suggestions:
Samwise’s Lord of the Wings
Tyler Durden’s Chowder House
Goose’s Gastropub (tagline: We feel the need… the need to feed!)
Short Round’s Tempura of Doom
Hannibal’s
Who called them varicose and not insane in the leg vein?
“Cole Slaw” because “Moist Cabbage” was already taken.
GIRLFRIEND: I’m breaking up with you
ME: Is it because I thought cleavage was a period in history where they fought with only axes?
HER: Yes. Yes it is.
Why would a married man buy a hearing aid?
*Cooks dinner for family*
Gets arrested for attempting to cause great bodily harm
“Why did you threaten to hit that scuba diver with your canoe paddle?”
“He was putting on airs”.
8am: i’m so tired
10am: i’m so tired
1pm: i’m so tired
4pm: i’m so tired
8pm: i’m so tired
11pm: i’m so tired
2am: WHAT HAVEN’T I WATCHED ON NETFLIX, WHAT CAN I BUY ON AMAZON DOT COM, I AM GOING TO CHECK LINKEDIN FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER
The corner of this table hurt me and made me cry, so now we’re dating
When his teacher told us that our toddler is kind and sweet to the other kids in school I was so relived. If he treated other people the way he treated me he’d be in jail.
Lional Richie let the world know that he played no active role in raising babies or toddlers when he released the song, “Easy Like Sunday morning.”
My mom asked if my kids are driving me to drink with the snow days. Told her I’ve been drinking at home, stupid kids can’t reach the pedals.
ME: I wish I could just go back to the good old day
FRIEND: don’t you mean good old days?
ME: no, I just had the one
What kind of crime would I have to commit in order to get the FBI to come in here and dust?