If dinosaurs were still alive, people would do a lot more running.
You Might Also Like
America is a country where half the money is spent buying food, and half is spent trying to lose weight, and half is spent on education.
*sees a very smooth rock*
me: nice rock
my brain: put it in your mouth
me: no?????
Dear diary,
Third date this week that went bad. The tablecloth trick is getting better though. Will try again on my date tomorrow night.
Bacon is my favorite dietary supplement.
[texting]
her: 🍆+🍑
me: *shows up with eggplant parmesan and peach pie*
her: YES!!!!
If you’re going to the hospital for a covid-19 test make sure you bring with you a valid form of identification along with a printout of your IMDB page and/or your Basketball Reference stats
[at the gym]
wheat: *flexing* you like what you see babe?
*shredded wheat walks by*
wheat: SONOFA
My daughter has created a new game show where she puts her shoes all over the house and then asks us where they are
so im jus chilig on a ledge premtendig to be gargoyle when these firemen show up tellig me dont jump but they got a big trampoline so idk
FRIEND: what r u watching
ME: unsolved mysteries
FRIEND: so just mysteries?
ME: [taking bite of edible food] i’m not sure what u mean
Her: Was your child gifted?
Me: No, we had him naturally
Before kids:
[Watching nature documentary]How do some animals just abandon their young like that??
After kids:
[Watching nature documentary][Takes notes]
[sees fly]
Hmm… I think I’ll name this creature “Fly.”
[sees bird]
GODDAMMIT
I accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now my wife takes pictures of me every 15 minutes.
Him: Maybe you should start counting your calories
Me: Maybe you should start counting your days
You guys talk about sex like it’s so great. I had sex once and she made me take off my jean jacket. Just not worth it.
Are sharks attracted to or repelled by pickles? I need to pack my beach cooler just right.
cat 911: hello
cat: i need to report a murder
cat 911: kevin, is this you again
cat: yes
cat 911: what did we tell you kevin
cat: [long pause] that my food bowl being 1/3 empty is not a murder
Jesus: love your neighbor
Me: aw thanks, yours is also great
Just by looking into someone’s eyes, you can tell if they have eyes
1968: One day, computers will improve every area of our lives.
2018: Watching a rapper take a bath with a hairless cat.
I can’t afford Ugg boots, so I just never shave below the knee to create the illusion that I’m wearing them.
-Brain: Too expensive, you’ll never wear it. Don’t buy this dress.
-Heart: But what are you going to wear if someone takes you to a ball in their castle in France?
Doing LEGO with my son is like assisting during surgery.
6yo: Flat gray piece.
Me: Here.
6: 5 square red blocks.
M: Here.
6: I said RED!
Check on your friends stuck in quarantine with kids that never stop talking.
We are NOT ok.
I always go swimming with a spoon in case I need to defend myself from a jellyfish.
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
*scoops litter everyday for 17 yrs*
Kids: We want a kitten!
Me: How about unlimited candy, an Xbox and a PS5 instead?
Keep the business cards from people you don’t like. That way, if you should ever hit a parked car, you can leave it on the windscreen
The last time I was this drunk and covered in glitter, it had nothing to do with Christmas.