If Disney did a film about a pet rock, they’d still find a way to kill off one of the parents.
You Might Also Like
After 20 years of marriage, my wife still makes me smile. Usually at family gatherings where she threatens me if I don’t look happy.
The real reason why they don’t make affordable jet packs for people is because they might start sky fights.
cop: is this your chocolate factory?
wonka: why do you ask
cop: we have reports of maimed children and slave labor
wonka: that 8 year old owns it now
[job interview]
“So what are your goals for working here?”
To be home by 5
[asking a girl out]
ME: So do you have a dog?
HER: Yes, I do. She’s very playful.
ME: *nervously* Do you know if she’s busy later?
My mother’s relationship with waitstaff assumes that the menu is an enemy code they’ll decrypt together.
*Cleans house*
*looks at family*
“I’m going to have to ask you to leave”
I just saw a skunk and a possum walking through my backyard and i of course assume they’re off on some kind of adventure
Hey ladies, if you want a free pelvic exam, I suggest you try the old “gyne and dash.”
wife: YOU changed the sheets?!
[flashback to me eating nachos in bed after she told me not to and getting cheese everywhere]
me: Surprise!
Sometimes men engage in risky behavior.
Like when they buy a vacuum cleaner for their wife for her birthday present.
*carries 11 bags of groceries and like a whole mattress on one arm and my phone in my free hand*
i’m so old i’m almost back in style
me, angry: I’m LEAVING-
doorknob: nope *catches purse strap*
Those who carry teensy cute purses shouldn’t throw stones at those who wear cargo shorts, because I can carry more stones.
Weighing your giraffe: a guide:
1) Become VERY strong
2) Weigh yourself
3) Weigh yourself again, holding your giraffe
4) Subtract figure one from figure two
I love how we all talk about The Last Supper painting & nobody mentions that all 13 of those guys were sitting on the same side of the booth
DATE: did I say something to upset you?
ME: *stabbing my pasta extra hard with my fork* everyone is entitled to their opinion about the best ninja turtle, Karen
Ever notice how many towns are named after their water tower?
SAURON: I shall create three rings for the elves, seven for the dwarf lords and nine for mortal men
HOBBITS: wow ok none for us cool
SAURON: and thus I shall have dominion over all the civilised races of middle earth
HOBBITS: WOW
life hack: DO NOT TRY TO CUT CHERRY TOMATOES IN HALF WITH YOUR FOOD SCISSORS
Is there also a milkshake that will keep all the boys away from my yard?
none of the animals i designed and invented are at the zoo. do they even check the suggestion box
Shuffling into the kitchen in a robe Sunday morning to change the clock on the microwave is the lamest form of time travel ever.
It still pisses me off that teachers gave us shit about paying attention and then had to take attendance to see if one of their kids was missing
At some point the blessing in disguise is going to take off the disguise, right?
When I was younger, I always wanted to become a Gregorian monk.
Unfortunately, I never had the chants
Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Absolutely not. Trust me, I’ve looked.
Prayers for my teen who has a long, uphill battle overcoming her mom hugging her at the bus stop.
[last night]
*does dozens of squats to impress a cute guy at the gym*[this morning]
*takes half an hour to get down a flight of stairs*