If Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you tie enough balloons to your house, you will eventually find a dog.
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If babies named Todd don’t call themselves “The Toddler” then what’s the point of having a douchebag baby name like Todd?
Olive Garden said “when you’re here, you’re family” so I always bring a family therapist, a lawyer, a young priest, and an old priest with me, in case they are anything like mine.
[being pulled from a burning car]
fireman: any idea how it started?
me: I used my keys
Don’t do drugs, kids.
The extra demand will drive up the price for the rest of us.
me: *slides $10 to barista* you know what to do
barista: [when my drink is ready] Brad Pitt!
me: oh no i’m not him lol. people confuse us all the time though.
Some days you just feel like a hotel microwave. You’re here, but you don’t have enough power to actually do anything.
*hands out cups of all purpose flour to marathon runners*
National Donut Day is like The Purge for delicious, round pastries.
Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.
The absolute CHAOS of this onesie my mom sent us for the baby…
Me: A stranger is just a friend you haven’t met.
Stranger: No.
The answer is funnier than the question
Wife: Why are you so out of breath? You drove here.
Me: Yeah but I was listening to Slayer in the car.
You know your cooking sucks when you toss your leftovers down the garbage disposal and it throws them up again.
Twitter is a great place to befriend people who you’d never let in your house.
*in the front row of a James Blunt concert raising a sign that says THANK YOU every time he sings the words ‘You’re Beautiful’
MUGGER: *pulls out a knife*
ME: *pulls out a jar of marmalade and two biscuits*
MUGGER: Lovely.
Get in loser grandma lost at bingo and has gone after the priest.
[dragging knife across my cheek] you should be so lucky to find my hair in your food
Wendy’s manager: you are very fired
As an adult you’re either extremely dehydrated or have to pee every 5mins, there is no in between.
It’s only Canoodling if it’s with an actual Canadian.
Otherwise it’s just store brand noodling.
my 15 yo doesn’t understand why he gets diarrhea after he eats only Pepperoni sandwiches, ramen noodles and 37 pizza bagels every day. It’s a real damn mystery.
*Job Position: Astrologer*
Interviewer: Tell me about myself
Had a customer accuse me of working at home (I work in a quiet office), said she could hear my wife and kids in the background. I don’t know if she’s delusional or if I should get out immediately.
My dad thinks I have so much free time that he bought me a book of 1000 dot-to-dot puzzles to “keep me busy”
*shows up to date with horse drawn carriage*
“I’m so surprised!”
Yes it’s a terrible drawing of a carriage but he didn’t have thumbs so
him: who is your fantasy?
me: huh?
him: who would you like to be stuck in an elevator with?
me: the elevator repair man.
when she block me on everything
