Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I really wish they had told me this before I got to the morgue

Craving that feeling of immediate regret? Invite someone to your house. Works for me

My son hates how I fuss about his birthday at his workplace.

So this year the Mariachi band will not be wearing hats.

I ate a piece of chocolate and thought I found a crumb of it on my laptop keyboard and ate it but it was a bug so that wasn’t ideal.

I love my husband so much that I have a picture of his credit card on my home screen.

Don’t tell me there’s not a housing crisis; in the 1980’s we had so much housing, every pizza had its own hut.

Crows that are stuck together are called Vel-crows

Respond to every “How was your weekend?” today by staring off into the distance & whispering “So much blood…”

[Job interview]
“What are your strengths?”
Me: I fall in love easily.
“Erm, okay… what are your weaknesses?”
Me: Those blue eyes of yours.

mental gymnastics are fine if you can stick the landing

I caught myself in the mirror eating a peach and instantly realized why so many people have boundaries with me.

Gmail: Someone has signed into your account!

Me: Yeah that was me

Gmail: No it was on another device!

Me: Yes my tablet

Gmail: Someone stole your tablet?!

Me: what no

Gmail: CALL THE POLICE

“No time to explain!” I shout as I douse you in gravy.

Sorry I used your baby’s bald head as a lipstick blotter.

FOR THE LAST TIME, MY EYES ARE UP HERE

I yelled at my gynecologist

Kids eat free today? Nice… In that case, I’ll have a water and my son will have the steak and shrimp combo with a kids bud light.

Giving my wife a drum solo for christmas she ain’t better than Jesus.

No parenting books prepared me for the exhaustion of constantly being excited about the mundane stuff that blows my 4 year old’s mind. Wow, a red pen! Wow, our cat! Wow, a slice of cheese with holes in it!

HER: What kind of music do you like?

ME: Hm. Imagine dragons.

HER: Okay.

ME: Cool. Now imagine them playing banjos with their claws.

British drink offers for guests:

“Tea?”
“Coffee?”
“Water?”
“Squash?”
“Juice?”
“Beer?”
“Wine?”
“Something stronger perhaps?”
“I think I’ve actually got some [insert any quite obscure drink here] somewhere?”

Date: So… Tinder, huh?
Me: Yup.
Date: …
Me: This is kind of awkward.
Date: Maybe we should’ve used real pictures.
Me: You think so, MOM?

Coral is stupid in my opinion. You’re a rock that can die? Sounds like the worst of both worlds but “you do you”

I’m a lady on the streets but a silly fake ghost in the sheets

Cleaning out the fridge and doing dishes is cathartic. It is a perfect time to reflect and plot your revenge on every single person that has ever wronged you.

girls on tinder will say “your parents will love me but your neighbors won’t” like what are you gonna do? start mowing at 7am on a saturday??

JESUS: [walks on water]

JUDAS: Actually, the body is 60% water so it’s only 40% miracle

JESUS: You’re killing me, Judas

JUDAS: Actually..

My husband changed his brand of boxers for the first time in 35 years. I feel like I’m having an affair.

To save time, I buy my panties pre-bunched.

I wish airlines would stop apologizing for being delayed. I’m an adult, I know you don’t give a shit. I’d rather read “ehh some shit happened, it’s gonna be late”

I just saw a pizza delivery guy get in a terrible accident. I feel so bad. Someone’s just sitting around, wondering where their pizza is.