If Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you tie enough balloons to your house, you will eventually find a dog.
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11yo said he can’t wait to grow up so he won’t have to do chores anymore. I had forgotten how cathartic it is to laugh until you cry.
If my husband doesn’t like my cooking, he can buy his meth somewhere else.
I can always tell, after reading the first page, if a script has, at least, two pages.
Welcome to Cupcake Yoga! NomNomaste.
If I was president I would put Netflix, Hulu, Prime, HBO, and every other streaming service in a room together and make them collectively decide how loud each volume number is
How the hell did we sit cross-legged all the time as kids?? I just sat cross-legged to play with the dog for a few minutes and I guess I live down here now because there is no coming back from this.
[Dog asleep on rug] I once killed a bear with my own two paws
[Legs move wildly]
THAT’S IT I’M WAKING HIM
“No Henry. Let sleeping dogs lie.”
Realtor: This house will need a lot of work, but it has good bones
Dog: WE’LL TAKE IT
I just learned that there’s a porn genre that involves being fucked and fed junk food at the same time so I guess this is “goodbye.”
Hell hath no fury like a pizza pocket that hasn’t had proper cooling time.
I dunno Discovery Channel, if you think crabs are the deadliest thing you can catch, you’ve obviously never slept with my sister Ashley.
A lady at the store was returning a dozen donuts. I’ve never been so confused. What kind of monster does that?
America’s national mascot should just be a drunk white girl typing on a shattered iPhone.
If the earth is flat, so is my stomach.
“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance”
-Alcohol
If I ever get married, I’m not wearing white. Nothing to do with the whole virginity thing, and everything to do with being a sloppy eater.
Me: I need to know where you are at all times. If you go somewhere new, text me. Understand?
Taco truck driver: Okay.
Wife: There is something wrong with you
Me: What a thing to say just before our dog’s first salsa lesson
“I’m gonna sneak past you.” No you’re not. You’ve alerted me.
LIFE HACK: give ur next child a normal name
ME: are u still mad that ur mother and i named u Life Hack
No, no, no, you don’t have to engage in a long explanation of why you’re single. We’ve spent five minutes together, I think I’ve got it.
Poor superman.he can’t go commando without the whole world noticing
if you were really my friend, you’d know my favorite kitchen utensil. it’s the ladle. ok we’re friends now.
girl: tough guys are hot
Me:
*hawk lands on my bare arm*I have a gauntlet I just never use it
*hawk gnawing on my shoulder*
I love this
Me grinning like a jackass with my luggage labelled “ wayward son” and waiting for them to ask checked bag or carry-on
100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.
My kidnappers sent me back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers
Yes I have strong principles, no they do not guide my behavior in any way. And that’s Valid.
me: i’ve started seeing someone
therapist: as in dating or like hallucinations
My local weather app tells me conditions are good for breathing but tough for running, which fortunately blends perfectly with my skillset.