Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

help im covered in chameleons & no one believes me

Apparently you’re not supposed to tell “That’s what she said jokes” during the Board meeting because it’s “inappropriate”

I’m in the other room and I hear my 3yo shout, “In your face, poop”. Then the toilet flushes. I would give anything to get that excited about pooping again.

I disabled the reminder beep on my microwave months ago, because what kind of idiot forgets food. Tonight I found my would’ve been breakfast burrito in the microwave. So…yeah.

Cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5

The look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless

Detective: Where were you on the night of…
Me: Kung Fu fighting. We all were. I saw you there.

Meteorologist: FINALLY getting some cooler weather around here!

Me: Phew just in time for me to move my stepson to college on Monday.

Meteorologist: Except for Monday which will be 187 degrees.

My kids can’t hear the dog barking for 15mins to come back inside but they can hear me bite into a Pop-Tart from 3 counties away.

Welcome to your 40s: here’s an extra chin.

“Our toes look nothing like that!” – Camels

if I were Juliet, I would NOT be pleased to find a man standing under my balcony at midnight. sir I am in my jim-jams

We parents need to stop threatening our kids with a lump of coal. It’s cruel and outdated.

Behave or Santa will break your iPad, kids.

The reason Twitter shows “Twitter for iPhone” or “Twitter for Android” is because Jesus will use it later to decide who goes to heaven. Android users obviously.

Smoking will kill you. Bacon is bad for you.
But smoking bacon will cure it.

[murder trial]

LAWYER: So you unplugged your wife’s life support for five minutes?

COMPUTER TECH: Sometimes that works.

Me: I feel good

My Brain: [scrolling through intrusive thought rolodex] “yeah ok, hang on”

I celebrate International Women’s Day by visiting my local CVS and torching all their ‘JUST FOR MEN’ products while screaming: “NOT TODAY!”

Me having to explain to another kid’s dad why he can’t come to my kid’s birthday party

Proper punctuation can be the difference between a tweet being well written and a tweet being well, written.

Screaming “YOU CANT OUTRUN THIS WE ARE ALL DOOMED!” at passing joggers from my window today

[making out after date]

Her: Should we go back to your place?

Me: *kisses her* …I’m not ready for you to meet my parents yet

me: three breakfast sandwiches, two everything bagels, four chocolate donuts, and coffee

drive-thru person: how many coffees?

me: one please

We named our cat Ginger, because it’s the name our toddler insisted on him having and wouldn’t take no for an answer. For a quiet life, we just went with it. Our cat is black. It confuses people, the vet included.

i eat one snickers a day to build up immunity in case someone tried to kill me with snickers

3 years into a relationship and you get a text “i need space” loooool lets sell some furniture then

[trying to unhook a bra]

*kung fu noises*

the male barbie should’ve been named barbo

Not an. Officer sitting next to me …. Now I can’t drink my… er.. water

Me: I’ll take $50 bucks on pump 1 please

Bartender: get your mouth off the keg sir

I used to laugh at my neighbour for getting the gender of his dog wrong for years until my cat laid an egg and now I suspect it’s a penguin.