if Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you’re a girl who reads books, you will eventually fall in love with a water buffalo
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If dolphins are so smart, how come they work at Sea World?
You don’t even want to know what people have used the ice tongs in your hotel room for.
People who dip their pizza in ranch dressing have killed and will kill again.
If I had any self control I’d probably eat that too.
4 drew a picture of a unicorn and asked if I’d stick it on the fridge and I said no because unicorns don’t like cold places but really it’s because the drawing was shit
You can’t boss me around. You’re not my bladder.
H: Let’s have dinner on the deck tonight.
Every mosquito in a 17 mile radius: OKAY!
If anyone deserves an Oscar, it’s me for nodding and pretending to understand the directions you’re explaining to me when I know I’m going to use Google Maps regardless
The best part about putting your cat on a diet is the frequent wake up calls every couple of hours starting around 2am 🙃
No One Puts Baby in the Corner: A Feng Shui Guide to Nurseries
I’m Asian. We literally have no wrinkles until we wake up one day with the jowls of a Saint Bernard.
My 19 y.o. watched a show where a romance ended badly.
In a distressed voice, she asked: “WHY can’t we just have a HAPPY ENDING?”
I involuntarily muttered under my breath: “Because we don’t have the money to pay the masseuse.”
19 y.o.: “What?”
Me: “I didn’t say anything.”
*spits out mouthful of peacock feathers* I’m sorry, I thought these were for just anyone to eat. *gets escorted from zoo*
Me (seductively looking at a potato): would mash.
It is with a heavy heart that I announce I will no longer be accepting mayonnaise as a form of payment because SOME of you *glares at the crowd* made it weird.
I’m throwing myself a circumcision party tomorrow, so anybody with a scalpel and a steady hand, stop on by. Jews welcome only with gift.
Me: Why is Amazon showing me this?
Amazon: It’s 15% off.
Me: Well, in that case…
I don’t know if this is a bacon bit or a scab, but either way it’s delicious.
Sorry you asked a yes or no question and I talked for 12 days
I just fell over putting on my underpants. Vengeance most surely will not be mine.
It’s an honour @thefunnytweeter – – thank you.
Putting on the ‘Best of Owl City’ playlist when I want to kill three and a half minutes.
Nothing makes me more stabby than when my husband ignores me and starts talking to the dog.
Me: I’m not really good with plants. They just need too much time and attention.
Her: Don’t you have a child?
I basically have 3 hairstyles…
Straight.
Wavy.
Homeless.
Some of us matured in our 30’s and naturally stopped committing crime as the risk was not deemed worth the reward
Some of us just developed bad knees
stuck on a crowded subway next to a girl playing candycrush, she made a bad move & half the car went “ooooo” in a chorus of dismay
No One:
My Family: Please check the menu of this restaurant we’re going to eat at in six months and let us know what you want.
Jokes on you DUI Checkpoint, we can no longer afford to drink AND drive.