Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You can tell kids you’re friends with the President, they don’t know.

Padmé: Dating is scaring. I just want to find a nice guy who’s not going to murder me.

Anakin: You’ve chosen wisely.

No I don’t have Tourette’s. I just stubbed my toe

Been trying to get cash from my local ATM for a week but it keeps saying “insufficient funds.” You’d think they’d have refilled it by now.

You can tell a lot about a person by
what they swallow first when a cop
pulls um over.

Okay hear me out.

I cooked up bacon in my cast iron, then made sausage patties in the bacon grease, and THEN made gravy out of the bacon AND sausage grease.

I’d marry me

Just got kicked out of Walmart for having a concealed belly button.

Dear guy that just shoplifted a brick from the supply centre, how close are you to finishing the construction of your dream home?

Was thinking of going to go to the gym and run 9 miles this morning so that I can look gud in college….but then I remembered I have TikTok filters 😉

#nofilter

The outskirts implies the existence of the inpants.

The invention of the shovel was groundbreaking

Star Wars, but every character is Owen Wilson

I don’t usually sing Adele, but when I do, it’s usually on the toilet in the middle stall in the men’s washroom at work.

“It’s not you, it’s me.” -Twins looking at some family photos

[letter to vitamin company]

So your ad said that this supplement “helps with memory loss” but I’m still remembering stuff

Three primary reasons I lift weights:
1. Vanity
2. Health
3. Lifting any dog breed into the air like a little baby

She was Hannah Montana when Bush was president. Thanks, Obama.

hate seeing someone driving a cement mixer and theyre mixing the cement as they drive. mix it at home and just drive

Me: HALLOWEEN!!!

Ween: Hallo!

Trying to limit my time on Twitter. Very aware of my responsibilities. Very going to scroll just a little longer… three hours later.

You ever stop and think about how lucky your friends are that you put so much effort and care into the memes you send them

I walked into a bakery and asked the lady at the register if I could buy a bagel with cream cheese.

“Sorry,” she said. “We only accept cash.”

… and another thing, who’s responsible for non-virgin olive oil?

jfc, the doctor doing my physical just asked if I was “that twitter guy” so I said “yup, I’m the funny twitter guy,” and he responded “I didn’t say funny.” We haven’t even gotten to the awkward part of this appointment yet 🙁

*hears Siren’s song*
*eyes glaze*
*walks in a trance ten miles*
*breaks window to donut shop*

I’m here, Mistress.

*eats everything*
*dies*

why do chefs always have to cut everything so fast. It’s just an onion man why don’t you relax

To whoever started playing Jumanji in 2016, please finish your game. This is getting out of hand.

So afraid of commitment I only play “Words With Acquaintances”.

[sex]

GF: u bring protection?
ME: ya [i show a gun]
GF: not what I meant
ME: I kno, I have a fox guarding us. The gun is for if it wigs out