if Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you’re a girl who reads books, you will eventually fall in love with a water buffalo
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I haven’t swam competitively since I was a sperm.
Do the things that bring you joy. Bake cookies. Take walks along the beach at sunset. Drink the blood of your enemies as part of an ancient incantation that opens a portal to the Underworld. Sing like no one can hear you.
Just said something embarrassing at a party. Prob should leave but I live here
any two men could tell me they were in daft punk and i would believe them
Toddlers and Tiaras: Fat, sexually frustrated soccer moms invest their husband’s money in ruining their daughter’s lives.
[at dinner]
Me: *rubbing sugar on my gums*
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: I dunno…saw some cool guy doing it in the bathroom
I haven’t had a cookie or a piece of Christmas candy in 24 hours. Is this a cleanse?
gf: u wanna put something dirty on tv
me: *seductively drapes my socks on television*
“Dad this is better than Applebee’s”
Well if you need me I will be over here filling out my MasterChef application.
At the pediatrician’s office:
Me: I know every word to every song I have ever heard.
Receptionist: Great, but I asked for your son’s birthday.
Me: ……
girls on tinder will say “your parents will love me but your neighbors won’t” like what are you gonna do? start mowing at 7am on a saturday??
Forget waterboarding, just put a cold hand on my belly and I’ll tell you anything you want to know.
Me at 20: I’m smarter than everyone in the world
Me at 28: I am so smart for going to the cheaper gas station
I saw the most beautiful woman at the store today so of course I did the sensible thing and imagined what our whole life would be like if we fell in love and then I never spoke to her.
felt that
Doctor: “You have a blockage in your small & large intestine”
Barista: …
Barista: …
Doctor: *Sigh* “Ok, Tall & Venti intestine.”
*steals machine parts all year*
*gets coal for xmas*
“Santa you idiot, the parts were for a pressure chamber”
*turns coal into diamond*
ME: How do I get on that goth hot air balloon?
FRIEND: That’s a solar eclipse
Want to send a 4-year-old boy into a blind rage? Repeatedly tell him he’s wrong and you are positive their names are “Batman and Robert”.
Me *checking restaurant bill* we’ll split this
Her: What, really?
Me: It’s fairer
Her: But I didn’t have wine
Me: You had dessert though
Her: I am 6 years old
Me: Get your money out
I just realized my slack status for the last hour has said “hot dog” because I was searching for the hot dog emoji so I could note that I was at lunch but I just typed “hot dog” as my status and then it just gave me that lil 💬 guy as the emoji. Everyone’s slackin me “hot dog”
Proofread twice, hang posters once
Guys, my husband has been watering A PLASTIC PLANT I put in his home office since March…
I WOULD LIKE TO SPEAK TO THE EARTH’S MANAGER
Stranger: You look just like a friend of mine
Me: She sounds really pretty
I’ve never been sucker punched but I have had someone pick up the land line when I was trying to connect to dial up, so same
My job sucks but it pays the bills.
Too bad I can’t say the same things about my boyfriend.
You: *makes tiniest movement on sofa*
Someone: “you going to the kitchen?”
I’m not smart enough to have this many people dumber than me.