Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

interviewer: are you a good listener

TV captioner: yes

interviewer: can you type quickly and accurately

TV captioner: oh yeah

interviewer: sorry, we can not hire you

dorian gray goes on hot ones and he eats all the wings no problem but then when he gets home his portrait is really sweaty and begging for milk

Maternal instincts are incredible. For example, now that I’m a mom, I automatically start salivating if someone uncorks a bottle of wine within a half mile radius of my location.

My vehicle’s anti-theft device is standard transmission.

Don’t ask about my weird flex, this is the position I’m stuck in.

That’s a nice piñata you have there… it would be a real shame if something weren’t to happen to it.

When a cop opens the car door for you, promises you an overnighter and talks about bonding… you’re not on a date with him, you’re spending the night in jail.
I know this now.

Nothing creates permanent frown lines quite like receiving anti-aging skin products as a birthday gift

When the insurance company wants a diagram of the accident…👇

i thought i heard a dog approaching but it was just some hot girl’s keys jingling. i fixed my hair for nothing

Her: “My baby paints with her food because she’s artistic.”

Me: “That or your baby paints with her food because she’s a goddamn baby.”

Some think kids are selfish, but when 8 sees I’m carrying too much stuff at once, he comes over and gives me a lengthy explanation as to why Black Panther could beat Spider-Man.

I don’t understand why my husband has to pay for a UFC fight when he could just throw one piece of candy on the floor in front of our three kids.

pony: is this your card?
me: yes! cool trick!
pony: thanks
me: can you do any others?
pony: *sighs* no

I believe the main difference is that one will see you later and the other will see you in awhile. I could be wrong, I’m not a zoologist.

*gets off on a technicality

Technicality: Perv.

Just watched the first half of Goodfellas, and it’s great. Being in the mob looks super fun, can’t wait to watch the second half where I assume the good times continue to roll.

I’m what the New York Times once referred to as “an acquired taste…like bleach.”

Doing stand up comedy feels like I’m doing a book report on a book I didn’t read.

Woman: *being eaten by a Werewolf* My god, they’re right. Your hair IS perfect!

I like when candies have offseasons, like Easter is the Super Bowl of Cadbury Crème Eggs and then the eggs go rest up for training camp

“Get at least 8 hours of beauty sleep. 9 if you’re ugly.” – Betty White

If we can put a satellite in orbit around a comet 4 billion miles away, perhaps someday we can put a working wireless printer in my office.

It’s not a real relationship, until you’ve apologized to a locked bathroom door.

The best way to get the woman of your dreams is to comment “gorgeous” on a minimum of 52 of her selfies.

Jesus: Listen guys, why has someone written ‘nail appointment’ in my diary?
Judas: No idea, J. No idea.

OBITUARY WRITER: How would you describe him?

WIFE: Very still, pale, awful social skills

OBITUARY WRITER: I mean before he died

WIFE: Oh! Haha sorry! Yeah, the same

Don’t waste your hard earned money on escape rooms when you can simply walk into an Ikea the wrong way.

My teen: How do you not know how to play video games?

Also my teen: So all you have to do is press left, right, up, circle, triangle, square all while holding onto the upper left button.

This year for Mothers Day, I’d just like all the charging cables back that my kids have stollen from me