Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Have you ever considered shaving that beard and gluing it to your bald spot?
…
Oh! You meant a question about the job position!

You buy eight gift bags once, and exchange them back and forth with your family forever.

Imagine being the roommate of someone who was abducted by aliens and having to live knowing aliens were completely uninterested in the opportunity to probe you

I do the same thing every other woman my age does in the shower. Argue with people in my head.

Life is too short beautiful and unpredictable to not tell people how you really feel

Her: That’s so sweet, I-

Green Day is overrated

Her:

For only £3 a month you can adopt an economy passenger. Help us stop the brutal and inhumane way we treat them by donating today. You’ll receive a framed picture of your very own economy passenger and regular updates as to where their luggage might be. Thank you

I guess I didn’t lobby hard enough to make extroduce the word of the year.

A baby proofing service where I sic my toddler on your house so you can see exactly where you need to baby proof.

I’m not “passive aggressive”… would a passive aggressive person buy you these lovely wind chimes?

“that’s not actually your good side” look wal mart photographer I don’t have the energy for you to do me like this today

My husband & I finally have an afternoon away from the kids. And then our son texts the family group chat:

“So do we have super glue?”

Shout out to the pack of wolves that raised me to be the lady I am today.

The trick when dealing with customer service on the phone is to appear busier than you are. Ask the representative to hang on for just a second and turn away from the phone and say: “Mertle, cut Arthur a severance check please.”

*cop frisking me*
Cop: “theres nothin in your pockets that will poke me, right?”
Uh, no
Cop: “OW!”
*baby porcupine jumps out*
RUN POKEY, RUN

Me:

Mime:

Me: You don’t say!

He died doing what he loved, waving a metal rod on a rooftop in a storm, yelling FU, GOD! Although he slipped & fell, Ted’s memory lives on.

Just saw my 4yo eat a banana like a corn on the cob… so yes the quarantine has changed us.

Cops hauled me away for drawing faces on potatoes and makin’ em kiss.
“It’s just too sexy” one cop whispered to me on our way to the jail

Clerk: What do you do at work?
Me: Write stupid jokes on Twitter.
Clerk: You can get paid for that?
Me: Hell no. That’s why I do it at work.

Yes, auto-correct, I wanted to wish my friend a happy 4th of Judy.

A haunted house but it’s just people making different mouth noises in every room

Things I do to annoy my wife
1) Say ‘bless yooou’ in the same intonation as her ‘Atchooo’
2) Sing “Little red corvette… the kind you find in a second-hand store”
3) Bring her an empty plate and say “Oh no, the pasta got too close to the anti-pasta!”
TBC

me: how many trees do you see in this picture?
my toddler: all of them.

Why are people scared of flying?! The Earth is a giant spaceship with no pilots. That’s way scarier.

I always take my fingers out of my ears & clap after each karaoke song performance.

dream jobs:

• soup reviewer
• seer who prophesies your doom
• old lady who solves crimes in a little english village
• old lady who COMMITS crimes in a little english village

They should hire this cat for L’Oréal Commercial.

a woman showed up two hours early to the theatre furious because she “didn’t know it was daylight savings” and I said “do you have a smartphone? those change time automatically” and she goes “yes but why would I look at that, I know what time it is” ???? famously you do not

you’d think the thing in my house with the most cat hair on it would be my cat

just a heads-up any of you wander onto my property and say “hi! i’m from twitter!” i’m turning on the sprinklers