If Disney movies have taught me anything, it’s that the whole ENTIRE world speaks English. Including animals and inanimate objects.
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man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot
me: I guess you could say I made a [turns to camera] grave mistake
Apparently hospitals are not the best place to start unplugging things so you can charge your iPhone.
Make librarians cry by calling it a “Book Museum” while taking pictures with your iPad.
41 years old and I find myself in the grip of an identity crisis. Do I became a hat guy or a shaved-head guy?
Pretty sure nobody would run marathons if they were never allowed to talk about running marathons.
“She is not fine.”
~Sun Tzu
Me: [butchering a raw pork shoulder]
Child: Can I poke it?
Me: What?
Child: Can I poke it?
Me: Poke…poke the pork?
Child: Yes.
Me: WHY
Child: It looks squishy.
Me: It IS squishy.
Child:
Me:[5 mins later]
Wife: WHY ARE YOU TWO POKING THE PORK
A good wedding prank is to say “I do” but just before the priest pronounces you man and wife, add “…karate.”
I wonder if the guy who coined the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.
*Emerging from a ten year coma*
Dad: Well look who finally got up
My mother-in-law showed up 3 hours early for Thanksgiving.
-my suicide note
My kids are fighting about who the cat likes more. We don’t even have a cat
Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done.
Me: *checking in mirror* But I still look the same?
Genie: yes, but just wait until you see everybody else.
The person in front of me paid for my coffee and I had to do the right thing, so I ordered a donut also.
My high-school wrestling coach called me “the raccoon” cause I was small but feisty and ate garbage and gave people lyme disease
[date]
HER: ok let’s both say our greatest fear at the same time, 3 2 1
HER: being alone
ME: a clown eating my hotdog
I like how this car asks me if it’s safe to move in reverse.
WHERE WERE YOU WHEN I WAS GETTING MARRIED???
Harry: I got my scar when Voldemort tried to kill me. How about you?
Me, who walked into an open cabinet door: Uh, Azkaban prison riot
This is the tale of Callie who started a service to provide fortune telling and hypnotism while driving people around. As time went on her clairvoyance weakened but her suggestive power grew.
She’s…..
Uber Callie fragile mystic expert at hypnosis
I call my phone Lois because it doesn’t recognize me without my glasses
My mom was concerned about my drinking so I told her I was done drinking for good. She let out a sigh of relief until I told her I was now drinking for evil.
saw a hinge profile that said “dom. cinephile.” like what, are you gonna tie me up with an HDMI cable and make me watch the seventh seal?
Guy Fieri got into a fistfight with his hairdresser. I guess he finally looked in a mirror and saw what the dude’s been doing to his hair.
6 yo student: It’s hot. Why didn’t you wear shorts today?
Me: Teachers can’t wear shorts to work.
6: Is it because you’d show all your mosquito bites?
WAR ON XMAS BATTLE LOG:
•DAY 6
-Ate a load bearing wall in the gingerbread house.
Hearing deteriorates as we get older. So why with every new year does the sound of someone eating become louder & more annoying?
Dr. Batty was such a responsible doctor. We could all learn from his example & not give cigarettes to the under-6s
I feel so bad for my cat, he’s sitting by the door crying out for this cat and her baby (that are on the opposite side) The same cat I caught him with the night he snuck out, but sweetheart you have been neutered for a year+ she is lying, that is not your baby
‘What do we want?’, ‘A really fast car to drive past!’, ‘When do we want it?’, ‘Nnneyowwwww’
“It’s very expensive.” – Chipotle employee
“Look, I got money to spend in here.” – Julia Roberts
Pretty Woman 2: Guacamole Costs Extra