if doctors are real how come I haven’t seen one in 29 years
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Those who ignore history are doomed to repeat it…
…anyway, my son is taking history again this fall.
Her: “Men are creepy!”
Me, from inside of the closet:
“Yes, we are.”
Me: How’s it look?
Doc: You have 2 months to live
M: WHAT?? You’re my dentist!
D: Then you don’t need to come back for a cleaning in 6 mos
people complain a lot about the airport but i find it pretty hard to criticize a community that so strongly embraces breakfast pizza and sleeping on the ground
It’s better to have loved and won than to have loved and lost. I don’t know why they never mention that.
salesman: you’ll like this car
me: how many dogs fit in it
salesman: how many what
me: dogs. come on dude have you never sold cars before
Hey, Christianity- what’s all the fuss about a virgin anyway? I could be a virgin if I wanted to. But I don’t. Because sex. Also? More sex.
My father-in-law has 28 grandchildren and 45 great grandchildren and he has an excel spreadsheet that he refers to regularly so he can remember all their names.
Air pods looking like an angry frog
Wife: I’m trying to decide between tacos or pasta for dinner. What are your thoughts?
Me: They’re, like, little voices that say things in my head.
Banned from IKEA again because I keep asking staff awkward questions about the shelf life of shelves.
Preschool Registration form: What’s one word you would use to describe your child?
*writes in all caps: RELENTLESS.
Much like a fairy tale princess I will sit here and wither away until some man somewhere is brave enough to bring me soup.
There’s a button on this hotel phone that says, “Pizza”.
I may never leave.
listen, if your girl ever has to move home for a few weeks to save a family business whilst in the company of a charming slacker she once had a crush on in high school, you’re gonna have a bad time
Snakes are refusing to fly on Boeing Max planes.
Elderly waiter: Would you like a doggy bag?
5yo: Why is he trying to give you poop?
This is the coolest video you will see today.
I forgot the word “espresso” so I asked the barista for a smaller, angrier coffee
British websites use biscuits.
Never ask a woman for a massage. She’ll do it for 5 minutes, then somehow trick you into giving her an hour-long one. WIZARDS.
“I heard that taking your shirt off can make you appear more aggressive and self-confident.”
“Ok, but we already said you got the job.”
Life hack:
When an annoying person ask for your phone number give them you ex’s. That way they’ll ask for you and ruin their day.
My mother, who has never drank or done any drug, is in Amsterdam. So, watch out, Netherlands, someone’s about to respectfully tour the crap out of your windmills.
Do you ever wake up.
Kiss the person beside you, and just be thankful to be alive.I did.
Not really appreciated on flights apparently
Damn you Jehovah’s, suckered me in to opening my door. Sure,I’ll read your literature, while you read my twitter. We’ll see who converts who
[pulling out of the driveway on the way to a holiday party]
HUSBAND: Oh, we’re supposed to bring a dessert.
Only way I’d want to see a jam band is if they were accompanied by a peanut butter orchestra.
I had to stop food journaling when the potato numbers started rolling in.