If doctors were truly empathetic they would wear backless gowns too
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Because I was late to the cannibal feast, they gave me the cold shoulder.
Women on Twitter who boast about the crumbs they catch in their bras have no idea how much food I can carry around in my turban.
Her: I want you to leave me breathless
Me: *hides her inhaler
*Me getting pulled over*
Me:license and registration please?
Guy police officer :I pulled u over..
Me:do u really want to argue with me?
“Come out of your shell” they said
*2 minutes later*
“Back in the shell… BACK IN THE SHELL!!!”
Barber: “so you’re thinking like an inch off the top?”
Me: “I have absolutely no idea how to answer that question.”
WIFE: We’d have less arguments if he wasn’t so pedantic
THERAPIST [to me] Is that right?
ME: No. It should be fewer arguments
Little kids only want to be independent when you’re running late.
Star Wars? Nope
Never had any interest in watching something that starred a woman whose hair made her look like one of my dad’s tractors.
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.
-Me with beer, me without beer
Companies, stop informing me that my personal information may have been compromised, I just assume it’s everywhere at this point. Project it onscreen at a Taylor Swift concert, I really don’t give a shit.
if i gave birth in a barn and then a little boy came in and started playing the drums I would throw the baby at him
I was going to give up coffee for Lent, but then I remembered I’m not Catholic.
[before horsepower was invented]
car salesman: this baby has the strength of 7000 raccoons
asked my bf how work was today
Me: Ah, the elusive white penny
Cashier: That’s a button
[joker voice] one person steals a joke? they’re a joke thief. a scumbag. but a thousand people steal a joke? [smacks lips] that’s a meme
*Stands guard with scissors and tinsel*
Wait, you said “wrap battle”, right?
Things I learnt from Avatar:
– Kill Smurfs while they’re still young.
34 year old male arrested for having sex with a clock in the middle of a Target®. now he’s doing time for doing time
The most unbelievable thing about Die Hard is that the office Christmas Party is happening on Christmas Eve.
Watched a nature documentary with my daughter and as the hungry polar bear approached the abandoned seal pup she said, “Oh, good, the polar bear is going to help her!” and sometimes I really wish I saw the world like a 12 y/o.
Bought a pair of Converse shoes months ago and they haven’t said a single word to one another.
My brother, the dentist is getting an award tomorrow. It’s a little plaque!😂😂😂
An unintentionally hysterical ad offering proof why ‘branding’ always needs a second pair of eyes.
No one is full of more false hope than a parent with a new chore chart.
ask your girlfriend for her ring size and then give her a personalised bowling ball
It’s been a while since I’ve flown out of the Nashville airport. It’s mayhem. The bachelorette parties have continued into the terminal. Just saw a bro getting escorted out by police, he had pissed himself and was joyfully saying “trust me. Y’all WANT me on that plane!”
In my day, we didn’t have quiet quitting.
The 5:00 whistle would blare, you’d yell “Yabba dabba doo!” as loud as you could, then slide down the back of a dinosaur.