Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

PILOT: if you look out the window you’ll see we’re cruising at 35,000 feet

[i look out the window]

[THE SKY IS FULL OF FEET JESUS CHRIST]

My robot vacuum and I are cut from the same cloth. When we see a line of dirt on the kitchen floor, we just spin around and go the other way.

Something our American friends may not know about us Canadians: all 38 million of us know each other

*at family function..

*superglues jenga tower

[date]
bobby: so what do you do
janet: i’m a beekeeper
oy: hey give those ack

I always carry a condom in my wallet in case a date goes unexpectedly well & I need to impress her with my balloon animals skills.

I don’t remember my password, so I’ll just start my hundredth new account.

-Everyone’s mom

My neighbours are so judgemental about me working from home. Mostly because I use their home.

Did you hear about the documentary on volcanos, caves, and geysers?

It’s a hole series.

When I was 19 I worked at Staples. They showed us an anti-union video during training. That was the day I realized it’s okay to steal from work

Boxing isn’t the only profession you can pretend to do while you’re jogging, today I flipped burgers.

The man that loves to eat on a lounger by the pool is a manipooleater

You can just say something like “a group of chipmunks is called a cheek.” No one fact-checks that shit anymore

“What should we call ourselves?”

How about 22 pilots?

“Idk. Seems like an awful lot of pilots”

21 pilots?

“Omg”

“I Knew You Were Trouble When You Walked In” is my favorite Taylor Swift song about a racist shop owner.

[emptying spam]

ME: Why do I have so much canned meat?

Not to brag but growing up my boys thought a unanimous decision meant whatever mom wants.

Ever have that fantasy of pulling over on the side of the highway and running into the woods and disappearing for a few years?

Just me?

rent? again? no no you must be mistaken, i only just recently paid rent last month

coworker: you should try my therapist

me: i’ve seen their work no thanks

Women out here dating guys with three felonies

but being a sagittarius is too much of a red flag.

Baby, turn it up so I can hear the captions better

tfw you have a meeting with your boss, and you aren’t entirely sure if you quit or if you got fired but you definitely don’t work there anymore

doctor: how are u
me: good
doctor: my wife left thanks for asking

My teen said she wants to go to the mall with me so we can spend time together, and then the credit cards in my purse laughed and laughed.

I still have a Rolodex on my desk but it’s all salami

An air mattress is the best way to tell your houseguests not to stay too long.

What if IN DA CLUB was a Christmas Song?

The difference between the kids table and the adults table during holiday dinners is that there is much more screaming, crying, and arguing at the adults table.