If dog hair were a commodity, I’d be tweeting this from my yacht.
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Me: *Chants in Latin in a deep, demonic voice while levitating*
My mom: Just ignore him. He’s only doing it for attention. Classic middle child syndrome.
My kids are celebrating National Siblings Day just like I knew they would: screaming & fighting.
I wasn’t invited to the #MetGala this year so I’m making my own at home
My neighbor put up like $3,000 worth of Christmas lights but I showed him by putting out a nativity scene with like 20 baby Jesuses
Doctor: are u high?
Me: no, why?
D: bc ur dressed like Batman
M: well maybe Batman dresses like me
D:…
M: alright yea im a lil high
I couldn’t take Breaking Bad seriously bc Walter White looked like Ned Flanders.
I’m gonna start selling supplements that make you less healthy. Call them Smiteamins.
when i was 20 my grandma made me a homemade rhino costume. no costume party no nothin i just wore it to work
Just sayin’ witchdoctors are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between witches and doctors.
me: yeah I’m a writer I’ve been published online
uber driver: oh cool me too
fly splatting on windscreen: same
Once I ‘get’ a man, how do I keep him, you ask?
It’s simple you idiot. I add cheese to everything. He makes lasagna; I add cheese. He wants to have a pass; I throw straight cheese. He wants to discuss fundamental physics; I buy string cheese…
Terminator: I’LL BE BACK
Me: Ok so I’ll see you…termi-later haha
Terminator: Actually I probably won’t be back
Our family’s sole contribution to evolution is a diminished sense of smell.
My husband is taking me to a scenic bridge today so i guess this is goodbye
I was thrilled when this beautiful girl came up and asked me for a date.
Then I realised it was just because I work at a dried fruit stand.
That water trick was miraculous, but let’s see Jesus try walking on Legos.
whenever a study shows excessive screen time causes brain damage i’m like yeah. me know
Me: You’re supposed to be in bed. 11-year-old: I tried. Me: You tried? 11: It didn’t stick.
me: where can I find shovels and toilet paper?
clerk: going camping?
me: no
I bought a pair of underwear today.
In the front it says ‘I would do anything for love’.
In the back, ‘But I won’t do that’.
Her: I’ve never had a piercing.
Me: Guess we’re not counting your voice?
Sure, tell me about the dream you had. It will give me a chance to count my teeth with my tongue.
Toddler: I don’t like you. *hits*
Adult: I don’t like you. *tracks your movements for the rest of your life*
Me: I wish for a lightsaber.
Genie: Be realistic.
Me: Ok, I wish for a boyfriend.
Genie: Would you like your lightsaber in blue or green?
went into the office today to catch up w my boss and he was like “i can tell you’re really intelligent” couldnt work up the courage to tell him its just a little bit of psychology and pretending to look focused while he talks 80% of the time
I just heard one of my kids say to her sister, “Hold still. I know what I’m doing.”
Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go interrupt what I assume is amateur surgery.
Surround yourself with people who google the menu of the restaurant beforehand.
my son bet me that he could make a piece of paper fly farther than i could so he spent 10 minutes making the fanciest paper airplane i’ve ever seen. the look on his face when i crumpled mine into a ball and launched it across the house was priceless. sucks to be a loser lmao