If dogs ever learn to talk I want everyone to keep in mind that mine is a big fat liar.
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Ummm yeah I want one of those phone case’s where I can put my credit cards in with my phone so when I lose my phone I’m also broke. Genius!
The bartender just threw the bottle of vodka in the air and caught it. Maybe next time it’ll turn into a college degree.
Date: I love chicken
Me [trying to impress]: I’m actually a HUGE coward
ruin Thanksgiving for everyone with a detailed description of how you prepared the turkey
[grocery store]
CUTE GIRL {bumps into my cart}: Oh, I’m sorry…that was on accident
ME: Well you know nothing ever happens “on accident”
CUTE GIRL {flirtatiously}: Haha, so are you saying…
ME: Yes, the term is actually “by accident”
[Arriving at party]
Host: Why are you wearing only a nappy?
Me: I was told “infancy dress”.
Host: I said “in fancy dress,” you moron!
I never thought geometry would be any use to me in the real world, but look at me now, one more game of beer pong to win back my house.
Heading out crocodile.
See you another time alligator.
My safe word is “insufficient funds”.
Please, if you ever offer me a snack and I say no, ask me again, I didn’t mean it the first time
At urgent care with my 8yo
Nurse: is she allergic to anything?
8yo (child of a lawyer): We don’t know because I haven’t tried everything.😆
(May have a sprained or broken foot 🤪)
Me: *calls friend* Traffic isn’t moving, no exits, doesn’t look good.
Friend: You’re being dramatic.
Me: We are building a new society on the shoulder.
F: Seriously?
Me: I’m a huntress now. Hope I can provide for the village. Wish me luck.
My kid’s latest report card looks like someone with a stutter is trying to swear.
Ten million people accused me of exaggerating today.
The bigger issue about the Hobby Lobby decision is the fact that people working in a craft store are getting laid more than I am.
Husband said, “If you were really THAT funny you wouldn’t have to always say COME ON, THAT WAS FUNNY.”
So now I have a tombstone to select
Wife: how much did it cost to rent that bouncy castle?
Me: I dunno. Buying it wasn’t cheap tho
If you ever hate someone, give their kid a whistle.
Just ordered me some pizza!
Gmail: Please sign in again for your safety.
Chrome: oh wait, I remember the password, never mind.
im a single issue voter and this is my issue
You can tell a lot about a person by their avi.
For instance if they use an egg, they’re probably a chicken.
30% of Satan’s workday is responding to accidental summonings caused by predictive typing.
DRIVING CLASS: 10 and 2
REAL LIFE: 7 and french fries
Pickled cat.
My gf said, “I’m backing the car in the garage. Would you let me know when I hit the wall?”
Me: Sure.
[BANG]
Me: it’s 4 35 pm.
I’m convinced that Santa is so jolly because he knows where all the naughty girls live.
[meeting Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson at Comic-Con]
THE ROCK: You want me to autograph your jar of pickles?
ME: What? No, I want you to open it for me.
[dog park]
Go get it, boy!*dog returns with silver watch, silver bracelet & silver necklace*
Ugh, you’re the worst golden retriever ever