Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I count the fridge as one of my erogenous zones.

Dear Stephanie on Facebook,

I do not care that you are watching The Breakfast Club.

I only want to know what channel it’s on.

*Held up the grocery line because the card reader couldn’t read my Apple Watch*

Elderly Man behind me: (Exhales) Let’s move this along, future boy

The opposite of goth is stopth.

Adulthood – Pros: you can eat ice cream in bed. Cons: this will somehow make you sadder.

Good mental health at work and good management go hand in hand and there is strong evidence that workplaces with high levels of mental wellbeing are more productive.

📸: @lizandmollie

#positivethoughts #positivemind #positivelife #dailymotivation #keepmovingforward

I feel seen.

Valentine’s Day makes me realize how single I really am. But I’m still gonna sleep like a baby knowing I’m not getting cheated on.

Whenever someone doesn’t text me back, I just assume we’re in a fight that I wasn’t aware of.

*manager storms backstage* Kandi, your twerk looks like the first signs of Parkinson’s. Foxxxy, you couldn’t get a Werther’s Original hard.

“Five year plan?”

[shuffles papers]

…written down here somewhere

… Ahh, here it is, lemme clean the cheese off this Mcmuffin wrapper

Just discovered my 7yo wearing his underwear backwards again. Playing classical music while pregnant is bullshit.

Him: You’re on a diet. Why buy all this candy?
Me: Because the alternative is called stealing.

Me: They call me snowcone
Him: Sweet and fun to lick?
Me: In a constant state of meltdown

Truth or dare?
-Truth.
Ok, go.
-I get sexually aroused by ALF.
Okaaaay…
-Your turn. Truth or dare?
Um…dare.
-Put on this ALF costume.

Cashing in my goldfish today.
Wish me luck!

Her: Have you sold anything since you became a writer?

Me *stares around my empty house* everything

boss: why did you cross out “world” on my “world’s best boss” mug

me: have you met every boss in the world

boss: no bu—

me: just seems like a lofty claim

boss: {gesturing at my “universe’s awesomest employee” shirt}

me:

boss:

me: this one’s true tho

[traffic jam]
MAN: [rolls down window] Dude, why?
ME: [in the next car holding a rabbit as it repeatedly kicks the horn] It’s his birthday

Finally cleaned out the fridge to make meal planning easier. Tonight, we’re having buttered olives with mustard and baking soda.

My wife didn’t order anything from Amazon yesterday so the UPS guy knocked on our door to see if we’re okay.

The U.S is #18 in mathematics worldwide. At least we’re in the top ten.

Anyone know how soon I should start roasting our Christmas turkey so I can be sure it will be nice and dry enough in time for the big day?

Got sent to HR for impersonating a fire alarm during a staff meeting again

*me, drinking my morning coffee in my slippers* I really need to wash some mugs

Women who say giving birth is the worst pain imaginable, obviously never waited for a toddler to put on their own shoes.

ME: I’ll have the chicken dinner.
WAITER: Yes, sir. *throws corn on the floor* Here, chick chick chick.
ME: *pecks at the ground* Excellent.

“Be a deer, would ya” she says, mounting your head on the wall.

draw me like one of your sea-borne property stompers

I always cry at wedding ceremonies because I don’t want to be there.