Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I married a smart, funny, handsome accountant, but let’s be honest, mostly I was hoping to never have to do math again.

I love Bounty but even I think this is cursed

Dear Facebook, it has come to our attention that some of you are posting new jokes. Please remember that all jokes must be submitted to twitter at least 3 years in advance

“Get off the phone”
“Wash your hands”
“Pull up your pants”
“Make me dinner”

My son runs a pretty tight ship in our household

*bumps into old work colleague*
*chats for 30 seconds*
Them: “we should totally catch up soon”
My brain: no, this was enough catching!

Rosetta Stone says they’ll have me speaking another language in a month. Babbel says one week. But this bourbon only takes, like, an hour.

If you love someone let them go, if they come back without donuts let them go again.

My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school

I hate when I gain 10 pounds for a role then realize I’m not even an actress.

You guys have made me afraid to pick up my son’s socks

The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work

Cashier: Can I see some ID?
Me *Points to my 13yo son*

Drove over 3 curbs today (personal best).

This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.

Money is the root of all wealth

Me: I’m way tougher than you.

Wife: I gave birth twice without an epidural.

Me: So?

Wife: You called in sick for an ice cream headache.

I called it a “housewarming party”. The District Attorney called it “aggravated arson”. Semantics.

I have a horrible memory, unless we’re discussing something you did wrong.

I’m convinced that anytime an employee at a shoe store goes into the back room looking for your size they enter Narnia, romp around for a few hours forgetting about work, and then come back and just tell you no they don’t have your size.

baker: making perfect baked goods is all about precise measurements

me: cool can i get a dozen muffins pls?

baker: sure thing *hands me 13 muffins*

The Bachelorette would be a lot more entertaining if the girl was a Praying Mantis.

Henchman: boss I need to take Thursday and Friday off

Mob Boss: ok but please have all your crimes done by Wednesday end of day

i love driving becuase it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad

Modern Way to Name Babies:

1. Pick 2-3 names
2. Chop each
3. Blend together
4. Mix in the letter Y
5. Allow time for mixture to settle

Congratulations on your child McKimberlynn.

me: hey there’s a bloody oar in the water

friend: that’s foreboding

me: I know what they’re for

Returning my uneaten fries to McDonald’s for store credit

nurse: height

me: 6’4″

nurse: weight

me:

nurse:

me:

nurse:

me:

nurse:

me:

nurse:

me:

nurse:

me: wait for what

me irl