Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I wonder if people in Fiji pay $6 a bottle for “American Water.”

7: Dad what does this word mean

Me: Bring me a dictionary

*Smack up side the head

Me: Now go google that shit

[Wife finds me crying on kitchen floor]
Me: I fell & spilled honey on myself.
Wife:
Me: Will you ki
Wife: I’m not kissing your Honey Boo Boo

My dental hygienist is probably thinking, I bet i could braid this guys nose hair.

Judge: how do u find the defendant

Me: he’s that dude in the orange jumpsuit your honor

I didn’t mean to like your selfie I was just trying to get dried salsa off my phone

ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.

CO-PILOT: …What?

Dude, the fact that I called YOU to bail me out of jail is quite the compliment, so let’s dial back that “It’s 4 am!” attitude, mmkay?

*puts down window
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yes
*puts up window and drives away

When it comes to depression, sighs matters

[High school reunion]

Person: “I don’t remember you.”

Me: *starts crying*

Person: “Now I remember you.”

Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?

Me: The company moved.

I: Where?

M: They didn’t tell me.

[blind date]
Me: So you can’t see me?
Him: Nope. Not at all.
Me: (stops sucking in gut) This is the best date ever!

Hello. I am Public Restroom. Would you like some toilet paper that melts in the palm of your hand? Here, have some empty soap, my child.

I want to open a coffee shop at the Family Law Court called Grounds for Divorce

CDC: To prevent coronavirus stay home, avoid physical contact and don’t go into large crowds.

Introverts: I’ve been preparing for this moment my entire life.

Detective: cause of death
Coroner: too long in a sensory deprivation tank
Detective: that makes no sense
Coroner: i know what it does Dave

I feel like trying new things in bed. Like getting up for instance.

went fishing caught a bass

Fight fire with water. Idiots.

*rubs temples*
security guard: Hey you! Stop touching the historic buildings at this ancient religious site!!

I got a raise! On my meds dosage. But still

(me, five months after an argument with my boyfriend)

And another thing!

relax, they say, as if that’s even a real thing

i used to side with chief brody but now i’m team mayor because the shark’s only gonna eat 1-2 more people & he’ll be stuffed. we’ll sell soo many shark toys

Sure, intimacy is great and all, but have you ever slept diagonally on a king size bed.

I’m not buying a coffee table until I finish walking around the furniture store barefoot kicking legs to see which hurts the least.

I just flashed a goofy smile at the guy coming out of the bathroom at the coffee place because thought it was my husband. Then, to make it less awkward I said, “sorry you’re not my husband”.

Don’t you hate it when you claw your way out of your grave just to realize you left your keys in the coffin?

Me)Print

Printer)No

Me)Print

Printer)No

Me)PRINT

Printer)No

Me)PRINT!!!

Printer)Here’s 8,000